Last week, there was a police involved shooting at a distillery/nightclub in Denver last weekend. That’s generally not fodder for a humor blog, is it? Well, the shooting was accidental, and it has a happy ending. We promise.
Last Saturday, an off-duty FBI agent was getting down on the dance floor, finishing off his moves with a backflip. The only problem is that during the backflip, the pistol in his waistband flew out. The agent immediately grabbed the gun, but pulled the trigger in the process, shooting someone probably in the foot.
Now, accidentally being shot by an off-duty FBI agent who shouldn’t have had his gun on him in the first place is kind of like winning the lottery on its own, because you know the feds are going to pay. But it gets even better, because the distillery has promised the victim free drinks for life.
See? Happy ending.
There are many different ways to have sex. The Kama Sutra lists hundreds of sexual positions, and that number is doubled if you add “in pudding” to each of them.
But, if your game includes a gun–and you’re not biatheletes–then perhaps it’s time to scale things back.
Arthur Sedille, 23, admitted to police that he killed his 50-year-old wife during sex while holding a gun to her head. Sedille claims that he was unaware that it was loaded and that they had used it often during fantasy sex sessions.
If the only way to get menopausal juices flowing is with a gun, then, son, you married too old.
(With special thanks to Sarah Lena.)
Hey, NRA, at your next meeting, you might want to think about putting out some conditional rules of for new gun owners. Such as:
- If you’re inebriated and dealing with guns, you probably shouldn’t have the gun.
- If you’ve decided to play a solo game of Russian Roulette, you probably shouldn’t have the gun.
- If you’re going to the bathroom, and you have to remove the gun from your body in order to use the facilities, then you probably shouldn’t have had the gun in the first place.
Because if you’re not careful, you might end up shooting yourself.
It’s true. I must be. After all, how do I keep finding stories like the one I gave you yesterday and now what I give you today?
McBournie, don’t answer that question.
Note: carrying a gun around with you, in your pants, isn’t the best of ideas-especially if you’re going to Lowes. What are you gonna do, shoot the amount of lumber you actually want?
It appears the Pentagon shooting could have been prevented.
According to law enforcement officials, the officers were shot by guns with a previous criminal history. Unfortunately, thanks to Tennessee and other states’ lax gun laws, the handguns were back out on the street, waiting to be bought legally by some guy, who would carry them so they could commit another crime.
The answer is simple, people. Once a gun has committed a violent crime, they have chosen to become enemies of the society we’ve worked to hard to make (by shooting the Native Americans that were in our way).
We’re not saying that all guns are bad–just the ones that go bad. So please, when you are about to bring a new gun into your home, make sure to give it a thorough background check before exposing it to your family.
It’s so very easy to get a Wii controller confused with a hand gun. I mean, just think of it:
- One’s metal, the other’s plastic.
- Their unique and distinctive shapes are so very similar to each other.
- Wiimotes are well known for containing bullets.
Yup, if a child has easy access and reach to an already loaded handgun with the safety off and thus ends up fatally shooting him or herself with said gun, with the mother of said child in the same room as this is happening but not noticing any of it going on, it’s clearly because the child mistook the gun for a Wiimote … and certainly not bad parenting, right? Right?
In a typical bleeding-heart, anti-gun fashion, this story doesn’t mention that you have to shoot somebody in order to graduate from Morehouse College.
When a friend of SeriouslyGuys, Bobby Finstock, wrote about taking this morning’s depressing news and feeding it through an internal spin doctor, we were surprised to discover just how grim all of today’s news really is.
We wake up much later than Bobby — whose early mornings indicate he may be a bad Mennonite for using the Internet — so we were surprised to find the news had not improved by the crack of 2:30 pm. Fortunately, we found a terrible story with a silver lining.
13 people, many recent immigrants, were killed in a shooting spree at the American Civic Association in Birmingham, New York on Friday. Horrible, right?
The first casualty, Secretary Shirley DeLuccia, survived her gut shot by playing dead.
So, if you’re ever confronted by a gunman in the wild, play dead. Gunmen only shoot live prey and will move on to their next meal, which can be found in the dumpster behind the ranger station. Also, never position yourself between a gunman and its cubs.
Whatever happened to the old days of faking a sickness or saying a relative had died? Modern jobs apparently call for modern solutions when it comes to getting a day off. That’s why Daniel Kuch told his work that he had been shot in a drive-by shooting in order to avoid work.
The Guys encourage using these as excuses not to work:
- Attacked by a polar bear. (This ties in well with the War on Animals and is a viable excuse.)
- Dayquil fueled coma.
- Had to travel across the country for a family emergency.