Can I get a price-check on a 1-year-old?

There are a few do’s and don’t’s when it comes to shoplifting. The Guys won’t dare tell you the do’s because we enjoy being free citizens of this country; however, we will say that there’s probably one big don’t that you should put above all else: don’t leave any evidence back at the store that can incriminate you.

Examples of this can be:

Cops use super-effective moves on thieves

At a Walmart in Massachusetts, staff apparently saw three men shoplift packs of Pokémon cards and exit the store. Police searched one of the suspects’ vehicle and discovered a large stash of Pokémon cards worth 442 dollars.

Those are the facts. Here are more facts: the three men—David Danforth, James J. Davis, and Sean H. Nadeau—were arrested and now face charges of conspiracy and larceny. All are at least 18 years of age.

Okay. I’ve not bought a pack of trading cards since I was 9, maybe 10, and they were, at most, around 4 dollars a pack. I can only assume that since 18 years have passed, the prices of trading card packs have gone up. Nonetheless, how does someone steal that many packs of cards and who are they selling it to? Also, if they’re in Walmart, couldn’t they shoplift something of a higher resale value?

Danger is a turn-on

Humans are sexual beings, it’s just how we are. But why do humans make soda machines so sexy? Each of us walks around every day, doing our best not to mind soda machines sexually attractive. Police say one Oklahoma City man lost that battle.

Authorities were called to a grocery store from suspected shoplifting. When they got there, they found a man hiding behind a soda machine with his pants down, pleasuring himself, police say. But it didn’t end there. The man was charged and arrested. As he was being processed at the police station, the arresting officer walked away momentarily, only to come back and find the guy with his pants around his ankles, going at it again–while still handcuffed to a bench, according to the report.

Folks, sometimes a guy just has to blow off some steam.

A chainsaw in the hand is as good as two in the pants

When I was a pre-teen, I can remember a classmate talking to me about the jacket that he would wear into a store in order to shoplift stuff. It was a gigantic, puffy jacket, so it made sense, I suppose. But sometimes you need more room. Obviously, there’s plenty of that down your pants. Right, Anthony Black?

Buuuuuut it doesn’t work all the time. Or potentially at all. Right, Anthony Black? An employee with a vast and firm grasp on the English language, states:

“I seen the bar between his legs. It was pretty obvious. Imagine it in the front of your pants.”

It’s certainly an interesting way to impress the ladies. Black decided that chainsaw wasn’t worth the hassle, ditching it and running out the store. Which promptly led headfirst into a creek.

As if the frosting on this delicious cake of hilarity, police think Black may have been intoxicated while doing so. Because chainsaws and alcohol are a fine mix. This is the best story I’ve heard all week.

Senior citizen discount does NOT equal five finger discount

Jennie T. Gatses, from Homer Glen, Illinois, was caught by security guards at the local Dominick’s stuffing four cans of crab meat and four Wii games in her purse while out with the grandchildren.

While Gatses claimed “she was going to pay for the items once her grandchildren were in the car”, a quick record search showed that she’s been busted for retail theft a number of times previously. So she was promptly busted again.

Some might say that she’s setting a bad example for the kids. On the contrary! She’s clearly showing them that persistence yields succ…no, it’s still failure. Never mind.

Anybody got any jaaaail tiiiiime?

Protip: If you’ve got a series of warrants out for your arrest, and you live in a “3 strikes” state, it might be smarter if you didn’t walk off with cheese.

In your pants.

You never know when that pack of Kraft American singles might cost you seven years up the river. None of that for us, thanks. Personally, we’re jailhouse intolerant.

‘Blessed are the cheesetakers?’

Reading the Bible, one might be left with the impression that God frowns on stealing. Sure, it’s only mentioned explicitly in two out of 10 Commandments, but so’s adultery, and murder is in there only once.

It is this ambiguous language that may have lead Church of England priest, Rev. Tim Jones, to preach that it is “sometimes acceptable for desperate people to shoplift from large chain stores.”

While Robin Hood may have been set in Catholic England, it appears that Friar Tuck lives on, though not everyone is a fan. His spoken-word antics have called down the thunder of …

The British Retail Consortium!!!

Due to site language rules, we can’t quote their response, but let us assure you it was very mild-mannered and reasonably remonstrative, indeed.

The evidence is in his pants

A word to the wise: do not screw around with a Walmart loss prevention officer. They know exactly where to look for the goods.

For those that don’t know, shoplifting is essentially just textbook How-to-Lay-Low (Note: SeriouslyGuys does not condone or encourage the cool crime of shoplifting), and the perpetrator’s actions should be just a shade less subtle than what the Duke boys usually did after getting sprung from the Hazzard County Jail.

The accused, Daniel Larson has a heroin habit, and tried to rip off about $120 worth of DS games from the mammoth corporation known as Walmart because Scribblenauts and Just Imagine: Babies have high resell values on the China White market. Theoretically. He might have been able to get out of the county jail using a fake ID (true story according to the article), but to get past a Walmart loss prevention officer? Nosirreebob.

A note: being the most wanted fugitive and getting arrested in a Walmart over what’s in your pants is pretty lame.