The McBournie Minute: Have yourself a merpy little Christmas

Christmas is in the air. Well, that and a strong dose of car exhaust from cars idling in mall parking lots waiting for a space to open up. Yet, for some reason to me it just doesn’t feel like Christmas.

Sure, I can listen to “Blue Christmas” or watch the timeless holiday classic Bad Santa, but where’s the Christmas cheer? Where are the people smiling to each other and wishing a merry Christmas? More importantly, why am I not rushing around to get my holiday shopping done? It just isn’t Christmas because I’m done with my shopping.

I’ve had my own private little Christmas tradition since I have been a productive member of society. I figure out what everyone on my list wants shortly after Thanksgiving, and then I wait until Dec. 23 to buy anything. For some reason this year I didn’t. I’m sorry, America. I went shopping and last week I got everything done. How can you ever trust me after I ruined Christmas? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Have yourself a merpy little Christmas

The McBournie Minute: Enough with repackaging Beatles crap

I’ll get to my main point in a bit, but first, don’t expect me to be going anywhere anytime soon. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control just named my hometown, Burlington, Vermont, the healthiest city in the country. Sure, I haven’t truly lived there for the better part of a decade, but hey, I’m healthier than you. Now on to other matters.

Paul McCartney, I have a bone to pick with you, and it’s not even about the fact that you’re looking saggier than usual these days. You too, Yoko Ono. Sure, you got the raw end of the deal and all the blame for splitting up The Beatles, but what you’ve done since then is what I’m here about. Ringo Starr, you’re OK with me. For the most part, you’ve kept to yourself and gone on to do other things like “The No-no Song” and you even recently announced you’re not going to sign autographs anymore.

But for the love of Sgt. Pepper, enough with the Beatles merchandise. Every year, some new form of repackaged Beatles work or book or home movie or biography or television special is released. Don’t act like you’re not behind it. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Enough with repackaging Beatles crap

You’re doing it wrong

A bunch of people who are no good at sex are claiming their replacement habits are better than “it.” Among the activities listed in the CNN article are:

  • Wearing sexy shoes
  • Hiking
  • Mountain climbing
  • Looking at a baby’s smile (pervert)
  • Receiving money or praise
  • Shopping
  • Public speaking
  • Fine dining

OK, so even if we’re gonna admit these things are really, really nice, there’s still one question: what if you’re having sex while doing all that stuff?

Porn has taught us one thing: it can’t be better than sex if you could improve it with sex. (Take that, skydiving!) (OR, take that skydiving.)