Bacon scare over before it started

Don’t believe everything you read on the web. We have more than “some pig.”

Your reaction to the term “fake news” may vary, depending on your political orientation and how big of a role fake news plays in maintaining those positions. But, The Guys believe that we’ve discovered a unifying reason why we should all take it seriously: a PR stunt by the Ohio Pork Council nearly lead to a bacon panic. (And it still might based on how fake news travels in wider circles than refutations of it.)

The council used a USDA report on the state of our nation’s frozen pork belly inventory — it remains strong, but the surplus is running lower than usual — to launch, which explains how we’re not running out of bacon. This caused news sources, including USA Today, NBC, CBS, Men’s Health and Business Insider, to run the story that we are facing a bacon shortage, time for everyone to start writing eulogies to the BLT and investigate human-based alternatives to pig strips.

(It’s notable that the only source to not pull the story in that list is Business Insider, which is basically a blog-hosting service with a newsy-sounding name. You know, like the International Business TimesHuffington Post or Brietbart. Read and share critically, friends.)

So, to make this clear to everyone: the state of our bacon supply remains strong. We are maintaining a surplus, one that is albeit smaller than ever in the past 50 years, but that’s still more bacon than we could responsibly eat in a year. Even if we all stepped up and ate more, we’d die sooner, leaving the same bacon reserve for our greasy heirs.

We are producing more hogs than ever, so please, if you were planning a bacon riot (which is what we plan to name our next stroke), call it off.

Keep those panic hats on

The scariest food news to hit the country gets even worse. Leggo my frozen bachelor grub, lack of waffles.

Kellogg’s, which manufactures Eggo frozen waffles, blames the nationwide shortage on flooding that hit an Atlanta processing facility in September.

The shortage will most likely be in effect through the middle of next year, the company says.

“The Eggo team is working around the clock to bring everyone’s favorite waffles back to store shelves as quickly as possible. We hope to regain full distribution of Eggo products by the middle of 2010,” the company says on the Eggo Web site. “This is a top priority for Kellogg Company.”

In addition to the Georgia flooding, Kellogg’s says “equipment enhancements and repairs in our largest waffle bakery” contributed to the shortage.

With the loss of canned pumpkin and now the loss of Eggo waffles, we can officially put ourselves on THREAT LEVEL: FOODA.

Put on your panic hats

Libby’s Pumpkin, the company that brings all that delicious canned pumpkin filling which is then put into the delicious foods that are pumpkin anything, fears that it might not have enough canned pumpkin for the Thanksgiving holiday.

“Our calculations indicate that we may deplete our inventory of canned Libby’s pumpkin as we approach the Thanksgiving holiday,” Paul Bakus, vice president for Nestlé’s baking division, told the New York Times.

Commercial pumpkin-producers in Midwestern states blame the shortage on heavy rains and thus overly wet fields. With little back-up supply from a lackluster 2008 pumpkin harvest, West Coast organic pumpkin growers are trying to fill the void.

Now are the end times, ladies and gentlemen. It would not be out of line for you to throw your hands up in the air and scream in horror. I know that I am.

They can’t take our ammo, only we can

In the post 100-days of Barack Obama’s presidency, gun enthusiasts are suddenly finding it hard to find ammunition.

The cause of this de facto ammo ban? Other gun owners.

Because Obama is black and must, therefore, listen to Chris Rock, they’re buying up so much of the stuff that gun shop owners are reporting that they haven’t received new shipments on certain makes for four months, including .380 (little pocket guns) and .38 Special (Colbert’s Sweetness).

So, the gun issue may be finally resolved after all: when gun owners starve to death buying $4,000 limited edition cases of Desert Eagle rounds on EBay. (Then you may pry them out of our hands.)