More loose cannon kids on the beat

Suggested listening while reading:
[dewplayer:http://seriouslyguys.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Starsky-And-Hutch.mp3]

Wuitschick! And you, Undercover Kindergartener! In our office! Shut the door behind you!

Wuitschick, are we to understand that you temporally took the wheel of a bus when you are clearly 13-years-old and don’t even have a learner’s permit!? You might have some pull with the deputy schools superintendent, the chief of police and the Los Angeles Times, but if we catch you even smelling a gas pedal, we’ll bust you back to crossing guard so fast that you’ll think Dennis Hopper rigged the order to explode. We don’t care if the driver was having a heart attack!

And you, Undercover Kindergartner! We’ve got the D.A. and Internal Affairs snooping around to see if you planted evidence on your stepdad. Heroin at show-and-tell? That’s the oldest trick in the book. You’re getting sloppy, U.K., and one of these days, you’re gonna screw up so bad that there won’t be enough butterflies to counteract the s@#tstorm that will come of it!

(It’s the butterfly theory. You see, every major storm system begins with the fla — you know what? Ask your teacher. That is if you haven’t busted her in a student sex sting.)

Maybe it was a mistake for The Guys to create a police force consisting entirely of children. God knows we don’t get much sleep thinking about what you reckless loose cannons have been doing out there, masquerading as justice. But, dammit … we can’t argue with your results. Get back out there, and if you see Johnson and Cotton, send them in.

My grenade says you WILL give me more recess time

Remember show and tell? It was so much fun! Every week (or whatever calendar interval you were given), you got to bring in whatever you wanted to brag about-it could be a new toy, an awesome book, your emergency spleendectomy souvenirs, anything. Why, in the third grade, I brought in my pet turtle. Boy oh boy, was my class surprised when my pet turtle was actually my newborn brother (this is not an exaggerated story).

But this kid here? This kid wins it all. The Scottish lad (or lassie) brought in a fragmentation grenade. We’re talking World War 1 era potato masher style.

There’s been no word on injuries or anything like that, but man, Chuck Fenderman is going to have one heckuva time trying to top that next week.

Sharing is caring

Hey, parents: when your child brings something in for show and tell, make sure you know what they’re bringing beforehand. You know, just in case. This is especially important if they decide to bring something that is yours rather than theirs. After all, this isn’t the seventies anymore, and not everything needs to be passed around the room.