Bear arms: Siberian bear steals guns

To own a gun means you have a lot of responsibility. Chief among those is keeping your weapon secured when you are not using it, so it won’t get stolen by a bear.

In Siberia, locals are likely on edge after it was reported that a bear broke into a man’s cabin and stole two guns. The man said he went to a nearby river to get water, and when he returned, he hid when he saw a brown bear was tearing apart his place. The bear eventually left with a bag that contained a hunting rifle and an assault rifle.

The only good news is that the bear is probably going to hibernate soon. It will be much easier to disarm then.

Scientists unearth 30,000-year-old virus, doomsday imminent

Avid readers of this site will know that The Guys aren’t ones to sound the alarm over any old thing. But today we suggest you make your peace with your maker. Things are about to get bumpy.

Scientists are about to move a recently-discovered virus that’s lain frozen and buried in Siberian permafrost. The virus is gigantic in size compared to viruses we all know and catch — and it’s also 30,000 years old. Researchers claim that the virus poses no threat to humans, or civilization, but if you had the end of the world in your hands, wouldn’t you say the same thing?

The only bright side here is that if science ever gets around to cloning wooly mammoths, we can defeat them with germ warfare.

Jurassic pitri dish

When it comes to the War on Animals, climate change is mostly a good thing. We keep killing off species or causing them to lose their habitat. But then, there’s a bad side, too. Something ancient has come back to life.

The permafrost of Siberia is more like temporarafrost at this point, and when it thaws, so do all the secrets that have been kept hidden for millions of years. We regret to inform you that a 30,000-year-old virus has awoken–and it’s hungry.

The Pithovirus has been found in soil samples from Siberia. The good news is that it only attacks amoebas, for now. We’re sure that in no time this paleovirus will kill us all.

It’s the cherry cordial of biological science

Frozen mammoths are back!

Wait, correction, no they’re not.

Nope, never mind, their blood cells are back.

Hold on, it now seems that the frozen blood cells are liquid.

We at SeriouslyGuys don’t actually know what’s happening with the newly discovered frozen mammoth blood cells, but we can only assume they’re made of alcohol. While we normally don’t advocate for the return of an animal, bringing this one back would mean we could literally drink its blood. So there’s that.

Gettin’ Serious with Sasquatch

After years of Jack’s Links’ flirtations in their “Messin’ with Sasquatch” campaign, an international team of super regular-ass scientists have agreed to meet in Siberia to finally seal the deal and get serious with the legendary beast.

Russia, the United States and China — and four other nations that aren’t normally at each others throats — will form the first coalition of its type: the sharing of research about and hunt of the Siberian Yeti. Local game wardens of the conference location called in the greatest Bigfoot minds of our generation with motion-triggered camera footage of what they believe may be the creature.

Nobody is quite sure what Bigfoot truly is, whether he is a missing link between men and apes, a leftover Neanderthal that managed to get out of our Sapien way or even a medical experiment gone horribly awry. Hell, we’re not even sure if he’s really abominable or just a lovable goof. All we know is that, if they exist, there are only a few of them, so they will be very expensive in rug-form.

Big hairy Russian wants to find big hairy snowman

Nikolai Valuev is a tall man. A former world boxing heavyweight champion, he retired in late 2009, presumably to become a butcher or deli-owner. Perhaps even owner of a sweaty and destitute gym. Anything, as long as he gets to punch things that won’t punch back.

Well, that must not have been all that exciting, because he’s now starting up an expedition to search for the yeti in Siberia. The trip will only take place over the space of two days, presumably because Siberia is super-duper-cold all of the time and most anyone that goes into the land will die.

A spokesman for the Kemerovo regional administration said that the boxer was keen to “talk to the yeti about life”.

We can only assume that Valuev will speak to the beast using his fists, which, as science tells us, is the most efficient form of communication.