Gettin’ Serious with Sasquatch

After years of Jack’s Links’ flirtations in their “Messin’ with Sasquatch” campaign, an international team of super regular-ass scientists have agreed to meet in Siberia to finally seal the deal and get serious with the legendary beast.

Russia, the United States and China — and four other nations that aren’t normally at each others throats — will form the first coalition of its type: the sharing of research about and hunt of the Siberian Yeti. Local game wardens of the conference location called in the greatest Bigfoot minds of our generation with motion-triggered camera footage of what they believe may be the creature.

Nobody is quite sure what Bigfoot truly is, whether he is a missing link between men and apes, a leftover Neanderthal that managed to get out of our Sapien way or even a medical experiment gone horribly awry. Hell, we’re not even sure if he’s really abominable or just a lovable goof. All we know is that, if they exist, there are only a few of them, so they will be very expensive in rug-form.

Big hairy Russian wants to find big hairy snowman

Nikolai Valuev is a tall man. A former world boxing heavyweight champion, he retired in late 2009, presumably to become a butcher or deli-owner. Perhaps even owner of a sweaty and destitute gym. Anything, as long as he gets to punch things that won’t punch back.

Well, that must not have been all that exciting, because he’s now starting up an expedition to search for the yeti in Siberia. The trip will only take place over the space of two days, presumably because Siberia is super-duper-cold all of the time and most anyone that goes into the land will die.

A spokesman for the Kemerovo regional administration said that the boxer was keen to “talk to the yeti about life”.

We can only assume that Valuev will speak to the beast using his fists, which, as science tells us, is the most efficient form of communication.