Singaporeans handwringing over handwashing

Singapore is on a mission to clean up your emissions.

Specifically, they’ve launched a campaign to raise the standards of their public restrooms. Called the Happy Toilet Programme, they are appraising bathrooms on a star system and bring them all up to at least a three.

For those of use who are accustomed to ones and twos (on the floor of our) bathrooms, this may sound a little crazy. But, as Restroom Association Singapore President Tan Puay Hoon said:

“For us, toilet etiquette reflects Singaporeans’ culture.”

We’ve said it a million times before, people. How you poo is how you love.

Here today, gone tomorrow

Cancer takes a lot of things. People, hair, enjoyment in life … but we never stop to think about the cure. I mean, we love being able to beat cancer, but we never think of just what it takes to beat cancer.

Here’s what it takes to beat cancer: your fingerprints.

How do we know that? A man from Singapore was detained for four hours because no one could figure out who he was through technological ways (obvious ways, like vision, are a different story). Of course, they couldn’t figure out his identity because his cancer medication, capecitabine (also known as Xeloda in the United States), managed to erase his fingerprints from his body. His doctor is now recommending that all patients taking the medication now carry a doctor’s note to identify who they are and why they’re off the grid.

In other news, makers of overpriced machines that burn off your fingerprints in science fiction movies all suddenly jumped out of windows in tall buildings.

Dirty armpit sniffer fails to get away clean

A man in Singapore who was unable to control his passionate love for armpits (Ed. note: big ew) was sentenced to 14 years in prison for attacking women to get his sniff on; he was also caned 18 times just to make sure he got the message. Or maybe that’s the other way around.

Anyways, the moral: if you want to get up in someone’s armpit, it probably doesn’t hurt to ask first. Unless, you know, they’ve got a can of Mace in their hand. If so, then sorry dude, it’s gonna hurt to be you. Besides, shouldn’t you have been in stereotypical France anyways if you wanted to do this?