Rock beats scissors, dual lightsabers beats taser

A man from Hillsboro, Oregon has been arrested and charged with assault after allegedly attacking customers at a Toys ‘R Us store with … drum roll please … wait for it … two plastic lightsabers.

The man, armed with two lightsabers and his abnormally high mitochondrial count, started swinging the toy weapons at customers in the store last week. You can just see the transition from Jedi to Sith.

When the police were called, the 33 year-old moved out to the car park. When cops confronted him there, he began attacking them with the lightsabers, and when one officer shot a taser at him he “knocked one of the wires away”. Such skill and finesse.

It was all for naught, though. Police eventually got the better of Master Porkins, who now faces “allegations of disorderly conduct, theft, assault, resisting arrest and interfering with a police officer”.

If only he knew the power of the jail time …

Update time! Back in April, we reported on a Welshman dressed in a shoddy Darth Vader costume attacking a Church of Jediism. Obviously copious amounts of alcohol were involved in the age old battle between nerd and nerdier (you can take a guess at which is which). Said Dark Lord of the Sith imitator, Arwel Wynne Hughes, was arrested.

Flash forward to now! Arwel has managed to avoid jail time, using the age old defense “I was so drunk, I don’t even remember it taking place.” You would think that the video taping of the incident (done so because “the church” was taping their “service”) might jog his memory, but, well, I can’t say that I’ve ever actually heard of Wales being done for their progressive attitude and inherent of adaptation of new technology. Alas. A great disturbance in the judicial side of the Force remains.

Fun Fact: In the 2001 United Kingdom census, 390,000 — 0.7 percent of the population — listed Jedi as their religion.

That’s most assuredly .699999999% more than I ever would have guessed.

Sith Lord fights Jedi and religion but not the law

Oh, those wacky, zany Welsh people! Whatever will they get into next?

Apparently, it would seem to be shenanigans involving the Sith and alcoholism. A North West Welshmen has admitted to assaulting a man and the man’s cousin with a metal crutch. Now, this isn’t very unusual; the situation, however, is very much so out of the norm. Barney Jones, who had founded a Jedi church in his backyard, was attacked by Arwel Wynne Hughes, Dark Lord of the Sith (who, given that he was Welsh, probably had a name similar to Darth Wrtnhgjnrtanllms) and the sauce, all while Hughes was wearing a black trash bag and yelling “Darth Vader!”

Yes, you have indeed read that story correctly. Weep for humanity.