Air Force succumbs to Skynet persuasion, dooms us all

Most people think that the military would be our last line of defense. Be careful with that line of thinking-it could end us.

The United States Air Force has sent the X-37B, a secret unmanned space plane into the great beyond. Its mission? That’s classified (we can only hope that it was zapping ET), but apparently it was a raging success. What won’t be a success is when the space plane kills us all.

Oh sure, Chris is just ranting and raving his wild theories again, right? Well then, tell me this college boy: what’s to stop the space plane when it does gain a murderous and brutal sentience? What’s that, no answer? I’ll tell you what’s to stop it: us.

Someone, get me my off-button gloves.

Japan already handing their nation to robots

It’s a well known and scientific fact that Japan has some of the worst teachers ever. Obviously bothered by seeing this documented in many real-life fictional accounts documentaries on film, Japanese teachers are sick and tired of dealing with their students, instead wishing to deal with the sharp-end of a knife instead. So, in order to combat this, Japan is putting Saya the robot into the classroom. You know, the same country with the rent-a-cop robot.

Saya has been used previously as a receptionist at an Israeli University, and — now that she’s moved up in life from there — she’s prepared to take on the classroom. The robot’s skill sets include “[being] multilingual, [organizing] set tasks for pupils, [calling] the roll and [getting] angry when the kids misbehave.” Thank god and the First Robotic Law that it can only get angry; it certainly can’t do anything about the students misbehaving.

Japan’s plan is to have a robot in every home by 2015. But certainly not more people. Nope. That’s out of the question. No coitus for the otakus. But now, not only will we have robots in every home, but we’ll have them in every school! This is fairly questionable, given that the AI has the intelligence of a two-year-old. More use for it will be created by the students that’ll learn how to manipulate it and turn it into Skynet a killing machine.

There’s only one thing to do: we have to fight these robots and put them down for good. Now, come with us if you want to live.