National Zoo’s shameful revolving door strikes nation’s capital

The only way to win the War on Animals is to make sure we don’t fight the same enemies over and over again. Once we put an enemy combatant in lock-down, then we had better make sure they stay there. And yet here we are, watching non-profit animal cuddlers trying to lure a fugitive bobcat back into its cell.

At 25-pounds, Ollie is considered a threat to small animals, low-flying birds and Italian restaurants.

Ollie, a 25-pound bobcat, escaped from the National Zoo sometime Monday morning and is wandering free through our nation’s capital. This tiger-adjacent predator has access to the very strip clubs that our legislators and lobbyists depend on for nightly glitter-coatings that are essential for effective policy-making.

And what’s the taxpayer-funded zookeepers’ plan? To offer up food until she moseys back into her pen: “‘We very much believe that she will want to come back to her habitat,’ [zoo official Brandie] Smith says.”

See? This is why we have to silence the national parks and other sciencey-types. If they’re not with us, they’re against us.

Time for a Smithsonian intervention

Don't be like your namesake and wait until after death to ship all of your old magazines and skulls to some ex-colony.
Don’t be like your namesake and wait until after death to ship all of your old magazines and skulls to some ex-colony.

OK, so this clearly isn’t a bar, Smithsonian Institute. But, it is your friends, The Guys, who love you very much, but are a little concerned about your hoarding problem.

At first, it was fun hanging out at your place. There were all kinds of cool stuff lying around, like dinosaur and astronaut bones, plus the occasional old wooden sailing ship. And you never even asked us to pay for anything. (Well, never directly.)

But, when we’re finding entirely new species of dolphins just lying around in dusty stacks of god-knows-what … it’s time to recognize that maybe you’ve attached too much value to stuff you’ll never, ever use. What museum would this skull even go in? Natural history? In the non-existent Decapitated Dolphin Wing?

We’re worried about you, Smithsonian. You’re not alone if you want to get better. (But we’re still not donating. Did you see the price of your cheeseburgers?)

Science is looking for a shark-eating ‘sea monster’ — really

Next time you go to the beach, remember this: don’t fear the great white shark, fear the thing that eats the great white shark.

Scientists are a bit concerned that there’s something big out there in the ocean, after a nine-foot-long great white that had a tracking device under its skin went missing off of Australia. According to the data from the device, something big must have eaten it. Now, scientists are looking for, and this is what they called it, a “mystery sea monster.”

In case you’re ready to call this a Syfy channel stunt or bad science, note that the Smithsonian Institute is involved, and they’re not exactly known for their quackery.