There’s no infestation like a New York City infestation …

New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that, despite the city’s best efforts, you just can’t kill off a New Yorker infestation. “Babies born in New York City in 2009 can expect to live on average 80.6 years, roughly 2-1/2 years more than the most recently reported national rate of 78.2 years,” the mayor told members of the press, ruefully shaking his head.

It was hoped that, by shortening human lifespans, this research would lead to a cure for the city’s bed bug problem — a plan that animal rights activists hailed as a fun exercise in role reversal. Alas, all of the Mayor Bloomberg’s initiatives, “including bans on public smoking and the use of trans-fats in restaurants,” have only resulted in more New Yorkers living longer neurotic lives.

“If you want to live longer and healthier than the average American, then come to New York City,” the mayor said before distributing cyanide capsules and pistols to his staff. “Me? I want off this merry-go-round, and I’ll do the same for anyone else.”

Smoking bars in Boston to eventually go up in smoke

Ten years from now, the world of Boston will be an entirely new place. Yes, annoying Red Sox fans (redundant?) will still live there, and you’ll be able to find plenty of weird Celtics’ fans, but what will you not be able to find? Those cigar and hookah bars that are the city is apparently riddled with, and thus need to be removed.

Yes, the Boston Public Health Commission has decided that they know what’s best for you. What’s bad for you? A smoking bar that can only affect you in a negative fashion if you willingly go into one.

Plus side: In place of the hookah and cigar bars that won’t be there anymore, you might have another Walmart or five built instead. Huzzah!

Con side: Every year from now, there will be an 8% decrease in the number of snotty hipster girls littering the city, and thus, less amount for you to hit on. Which we know you love to do.