Study: We’re not as manly as we used to be

The internet trolls are right, men today just aren’t as manly as they used to be. But it’s not how they think it is. Turns out we don’t have as many swimmers.

Between 1973 and 2011, men’s sperm counts have dropped by more than half, according to a new study. That means that you’re not as potent as hairy, mustachioed men of the early 70s. But it’s not something that’s happening to men worldwide, it’s only men in western countries that have fewer sperm. Researchers think it’s related to weight, lack of exercise and smoking.

That’s not fair. Men in the 70s used cocaine to stay thin, the only exercise was disco dancing and everyone smoked.


Who mourns for Philip Morris?

Buck up, cowpoke. We'll save your job yet.
Buck up, cowpoke. We’ll save your job yet.

As The Guys wind down Movember (two participating, one waiting for this to all blow over so we can focus on his anti-cancer bar crawl in March), we turn our gaze onto the unsung heroes of cancer fundraising: cigarette companies.

If it weren’t for corporations like Philip Morris producing a known carcinogen and attempting to first cover up and then downplay the cancer and other health conditions they cause, what would we be growing mustaches or running laps around a high school gym for? And have we ever thanked them? No. Instead, we’re forcing them to change their packaging and hurting their sales.

Well, we hope you’re happy, because now Philip Morris has to find a new product to sell. One idea is to go into vaping, but that’s already got a bad taste to it — both literally and by people who vape. We owe some new ideas to Philip Morris — something that is both needed and fits in their wheelhouse. We suggest the following to save our butts:

  • Tracheotomy Rings: Smokers are so dedicated to Philip Morris’ products that they burned a new smoking hole into their throats. If that’s not a literal niche for tobacco companies to fill, than what is?
  • Fancy Coffee: Dunkin Donuts already recovered from everyone quitting donuts by transitioning into coffee shops. If basic people are already addicted to pumpkin spice, imagine how many lattes Philip Morris will sell with a double-pump of nicotine?
  • Cuban Cigars: Nobody knows what’ll happen with the opened Cuban embargo now that Trump is the President-elect and Fidel Castro is dead. Unless Philip Morris, an American corporation, buys out the Cuban cigar market. The cigars will be trendy, and the tobacco lobby beats the old Miami Cuban lobby every time.

Weekend science: Drink before you smoke

Everyone knows that smoking is bad. Many people know that drinking and smoking is fun, but we now know that drinking when smoking can be good for you.

According to a published scientific study that has no chance of ever being pulled or refuted, if you drink a couple glasses of red wine before lighting up, you may block some of the damage from tobacco smoking. Turns out, red wine’s benefits on your cardiovascular system can block the short-term negative effects that cigarette in your hand will have on your arteries.

So smoke ’em if you got ’em, but knock a couple back first. We may be enablers, but we don’t want you to die.

Best Korea releases best anti-smoking ad

This is why the Harry Potter stories weren't originally supposed to follow Harry into adulthood.
This is why the Harry Potter stories weren’t originally supposed to follow Harry into adulthood.

It’s fun watching a totalitarian regime that depends on controlling information in an unprecedented age of information sharing. Recently, we saw North Korea accidentally release an undoctored photo of dictator, Kim Jong Un. Like a soapy dog out of a bathtub, once it got out, there was no pulling it back in.

So, now the North Korean government decided to launch an anti-smoking campaign — because, holy crap, do people smoke a lot there — the last thing it needs is for the face of its regime to be photographed with a Camel hanging out of his yap. And, of course, that’s what happened.

We’re pretty sure Best Korea’s anti-smoking campaign will go about as well as an anti-polo shirt campaign at a frat house — after all, people who live in repressive regimes could use a cigarette if they can’t get a meal. But, they’ve definitely made smoking uncool for the rest of the world.

Secret to looking young: Drinking

The secret to looking young isn’t in your medicine cabinet, it’s in your liquor cabinet.

According to a new study, if you want to hit the pause button on aging, you should have a drink. Researchers measured the wear and tear of life on a person’s body, and their actual age. They found that subjects who drank once or twice a day aged at a slower pace than those who didn’t drink. However, if you drink heavily and smoke, it’s like hitting the fast forward button on your body.

Our interpretation is that you’ll slow your aging process if you drink heavily, but lay off the smoking. The Guys will live forever.

Take it from Dr. Snee: You say you want a resolution

Yeah, I'm not too thrilled about the new year either, Exhibit Y.
Yeah, I’m not too thrilled about the new year either, Exhibit W.

Why, hello there, patient readers. Sorry I haven’t answered your letters recently. I’ve been busy, fighting some paternity suits from my totally unrelated chain of sperm banks and fertility clinics. Needless to say, I’ve got a lot of unhappy mothers to accuse of postpartum depression under oath. (Not sure what the legal defense is against allegedly cuckolded dads is, though.)

Anyway, it’s a new year, which means it’s time for the same old boring resolutions. So, if you haven’t quit quitting smoking yet — which odds and these Camel dollars say otherwise — then congratulations! You’ve made it over the hump: one week. Your body is no longer addicted to nicotine. Technically.

However, there’s just one minor obstacle to get over: the rest of your life. Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: You say you want a resolution

More American smokers lie to CDC

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released the results of their latest headcount of American cigarette smokers and found that more of them have learned to just lie to their doctors about the amount they smoke.

The amount of proud idiots who still tell their physicians that they smoke more than 30 cigarettes a day are down to a mere 8.3 percent. Meanwhile, casual smokers have retreated into the closet with the “one-a-dayers” — only 78.2 percent foolishly admit to smoking every day, and of those that do, over 21 percent were able to at least claim they smoke less than 10 cigarettes a day.

Medical professionals are encouraged by these latest numbers, but are concerned that the rate of smokers learning to lie is slowing. Dr. Tim McAfee, director of the CDC Office on Smoking and Health, believes that intensified efforts to make adults feel guilty about their health decisions could raise this five-year period’s rate of closeted smoking.

“We know what works: higher tobacco prices, hard-hitting media campaigns, graphic health warnings on cigarette packs, and 100 percent smoke-free policies, with easily accessible help for those who want to quit,” said Dr. McAfee.

Ask Dr. Snee: Who wants to live forever?

OK, so nobody asked, but goddammit, you guys, I’m getting pretty damn nervous over here. It appears that you sons of bitches have decided not to die anymore, which puts me in one tight pickle–mostly with my bookie, Eduardo.

Look, you like this semi-regular Dr. Snee feature, right? You’d hate for it to disappear and potentially reappear under a different name in South America, correct? Then you better start living like you’re dying, because I’ve got everything to lose.

Here’s the game plan …. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Who wants to live forever?

Regular smokes aren’t obscure enough

When last we talked to you, loyal reader, about cigarettes, it was in regard to the danger that their new packaging may now be creating. Graphic! So so graphic! And the unheralded racism!

Well guess what, world. It’s not over yet.

R.J. Reynolds has decided to create a flavor for their Camel cigarettes-hipster. Okay, it’s not so much a flavor as it’s a packaging subline for the former Camel Blues, formerly of the Camel Lights nomenclature, but never has the sweet and fulfilling taste of nicotine felt so smooth and pretentious. The Williamsburg Camel cigarettes are being based off the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn, New York, reportedly the hipster capitol of New York.

According to Camel’s very own website, the Williamsburg experience is summed up as being “about the last call, a sloppy kiss goodbye and a solo saunter to a rock show in an abandoned building.”

We can only assume that the cigarettes will taste like ridiculous old 45’s and be shaped like douches, in honor of their target demographic.

Take it from Snee: LOLSmokers

The FDA unveiled a series of new warnings that will go on cigarette packs. Instead of the text that tobacco scientists concocted back in the ’60s to keep LBJ feelin’ a-OK, they’re using graphics, which have lowered smoking numbers in other countries.

Yes, yes. But have you been to other countries? They have dances and songs and holidays where they break eggs over each others’ heads.

When it comes to the school dance that is human culture, Americans are the jaded loner smoking in bathroom. You think some graphics are gonna get us out onto the dance floor for the Electric Slide? Pfft, fat chance. It’s stupid, you’re stupid and our nonconformist lungs would be winded by “woogie-woggie-woggie!”

Still, let’s take a look at what the government’s gonna throw at 500 years of an awesome tradition, from John Smith to Kirsten Dunst. (Warning: some of these are gross.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: LOLSmokers