Take it from Dr. Snee: You say you want a resolution

Yeah, I'm not too thrilled about the new year either, Exhibit Y.
Yeah, I’m not too thrilled about the new year either, Exhibit W.

Why, hello there, patient readers. Sorry I haven’t answered your letters recently. I’ve been busy, fighting some paternity suits from my totally unrelated chain of sperm banks and fertility clinics. Needless to say, I’ve got a lot of unhappy mothers to accuse of postpartum depression under oath. (Not sure what the legal defense is against allegedly cuckolded dads is, though.)

Anyway, it’s a new year, which means it’s time for the same old boring resolutions. So, if you haven’t quit quitting smoking yet — which odds and these Camel dollars say otherwise — then congratulations! You’ve made it over the hump: one week. Your body is no longer addicted to nicotine. Technically.

However, there’s just one minor obstacle to get over: the rest of your life. Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: You say you want a resolution

More American smokers lie to CDC

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released the results of their latest headcount of American cigarette smokers and found that more of them have learned to just lie to their doctors about the amount they smoke.

The amount of proud idiots who still tell their physicians that they smoke more than 30 cigarettes a day are down to a mere 8.3 percent. Meanwhile, casual smokers have retreated into the closet with the “one-a-dayers” — only 78.2 percent foolishly admit to smoking every day, and of those that do, over 21 percent were able to at least claim they smoke less than 10 cigarettes a day.

Medical professionals are encouraged by these latest numbers, but are concerned that the rate of smokers learning to lie is slowing. Dr. Tim McAfee, director of the CDC Office on Smoking and Health, believes that intensified efforts to make adults feel guilty about their health decisions could raise this five-year period’s rate of closeted smoking.

“We know what works: higher tobacco prices, hard-hitting media campaigns, graphic health warnings on cigarette packs, and 100 percent smoke-free policies, with easily accessible help for those who want to quit,” said Dr. McAfee.

Ask Dr. Snee: Who wants to live forever?

OK, so nobody asked, but goddammit, you guys, I’m getting pretty damn nervous over here. It appears that you sons of bitches have decided not to die anymore, which puts me in one tight pickle–mostly with my bookie, Eduardo.

Look, you like this semi-regular Dr. Snee feature, right? You’d hate for it to disappear and potentially reappear under a different name in South America, correct? Then you better start living like you’re dying, because I’ve got everything to lose.

Here’s the game plan …. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Who wants to live forever?

Regular smokes aren’t obscure enough

When last we talked to you, loyal reader, about cigarettes, it was in regard to the danger that their new packaging may now be creating. Graphic! So so graphic! And the unheralded racism!

Well guess what, world. It’s not over yet.

R.J. Reynolds has decided to create a flavor for their Camel cigarettes-hipster. Okay, it’s not so much a flavor as it’s a packaging subline for the former Camel Blues, formerly of the Camel Lights nomenclature, but never has the sweet and fulfilling taste of nicotine felt so smooth and pretentious. The Williamsburg Camel cigarettes are being based off the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn, New York, reportedly the hipster capitol of New York.

According to Camel’s very own website, the Williamsburg experience is summed up as being “about the last call, a sloppy kiss goodbye and a solo saunter to a rock show in an abandoned building.”

We can only assume that the cigarettes will taste like ridiculous old 45’s and be shaped like douches, in honor of their target demographic.

Take it from Snee: LOLSmokers

The FDA unveiled a series of new warnings that will go on cigarette packs. Instead of the text that tobacco scientists concocted back in the ’60s to keep LBJ feelin’ a-OK, they’re using graphics, which have lowered smoking numbers in other countries.

Yes, yes. But have you been to other countries? They have dances and songs and holidays where they break eggs over each others’ heads.

When it comes to the school dance that is human culture, Americans are the jaded loner smoking in bathroom. You think some graphics are gonna get us out onto the dance floor for the Electric Slide? Pfft, fat chance. It’s stupid, you’re stupid and our nonconformist lungs would be winded by “woogie-woggie-woggie!”

Still, let’s take a look at what the government’s gonna throw at 500 years of an awesome tradition, from John Smith to Kirsten Dunst. (Warning: some of these are gross.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: LOLSmokers

Even a toddler can quit smoking

Ardi Rizal, the two-year-old Indonesian boy who won our hearts with his two pack-a-day habit, has quit smoking.

The toddler was sent with his mother to an intensive care specialist for one month. He received psychosocial therapy and was forced to play with less mature-looking peers.

Sure, he’s quit now, but let’s see how he does once he enters kindergarten and the real life stress begins.

Would it hurt you to give your tree a hug?

Most of us can agree that pollution is bad, yet it might not be worth doing anything about.

You can’t blame people for opposing air quality regulations when respiratory health is on the line. Or the climate that impacts our food supplies. Or the high price of SPF 2000 sunscreen that leaves you looking a payday shy of Sasha Grey.

But did you ever consider that pollution is breaking our hearts, you inhuman monster?

And while we’re talking about broken hearts and your business practices, let your employees go home early.

Did you even call your mother this weekend?


Take it from Snee: The quittening

We suburban Americans are normally a cowardly lot. We don’t really grow a pair of balls until wrapped in steel Toyotas and a horn can do our talking.

But, there are certain times when we just can’t resist making someone feel like s@&t about their personal habits.

Prime example: smoking.

Don’t get me wrong: I don’t have sympathy for smokers, and I smoke. But it doesn’t matter where you light up. It could be in the clearly marked smoking area, a corn field in the middle of Nebraska, an asbestos shingles factory in Bangladesh or the Earth’s molten core. Somebody will walk up to you and say, “You know that’s killing you, right?” Continue reading Take it from Snee: The quittening

But what about those screendoors?

As we’ve reported before, submarines are a relatively new technology that the U.S. Navy’s still perfecting 100 years later. Just last February, it dawned on our fairer military branch that women are a natural fit–both literally and olfactorally–in subs.

Now they’re starting to wonder if smoking in a submerged sub is a really good idea.

Due to health concerns about second-hand smoke in an enclosed space with recycled air, the Navy’s finally rectifying this with an order, effective December 31, 2010.

So, to sum this decision up: it’s important, should have been instituted years ago and can wait until next year’s Resolutions.

Celebrity Rehab: Animal Edition

We know that animals want to kill us and rule the world, but did you know that they are also poor role models? It’s true. Just look to Russia.

Traditionally a country on our side of the war, Russians sent a chimpanzee to rehab, yes rehab, for drinking and smoking. In other words, the chimp was basically acting like the average Russian. Rather than kill the beast and be done with it, the Russkies decided to rehabilitate the addict. It’s getting ugly, folks.

Key quote: “The beer and cigarettes were ruining him. He would pester passers-by for booze,” the Komsomolskaya Pravda paper said.