Nostalgia-crazed snake on a plane

The internet has been a place where people can come together to laugh and promote awful ideas for a fair amount of its existence. Long before Boaty McBoatface or pretty much every online poll to name anything ever, there was 2006’s Snakes on a Plane.

The film marked Samuel L. Jackson’s full transformation into a living meme, and is probably why we ended up with those Sharknado movies. The problem is that the movie shone a spotlight on a huge security risk for all the animals to see. That’s why a decade later we’re still seeing stories about snakes on planes. This time a passenger left his snake on a local Alaska airline, and it was found during the following flight.

Luckily for passengers, the snake wasn’t venomous, and flight attendants caught it and locked it in a storage bin until the plane was safely on the ground.

Since we’re here, let’s take a trip back to 2006 with a demonstrational video on how to smuggle snakes onto a plane.

Snake terrorizes Vermont college campus

It’s well known that boa constrictors are taking over parts of Florida, but not so much in Vermont. That’s why students at one college there are on high alert.

A rainbow boa constrictor was discovered missing from its cage at Castleton State College last week and hasn’t been seen since. Authorities believe the snake was stolen, but that’s probably just a cover story to keep everyone calm. They don’t want the public to know that a deadly snake is on the loose, hunting college kids for sport.

Warning: Canadians may have weaponized snakes

Canadians really love their Tim Hortons. Canadians also apparently really love their breakfast sandwiches. Even more strangely, some Canadians REALLY love their diced onions.

What’s not weird is that Canadians apparently don’t love snakes. We understand that and value them for that. That’s why we’re not too surprised when a Canadian man, angry with not getting diced onions in his breakfast sandwich, proceeded to reach into his friend’s coat and throw a snake at the employees of a Tim Hortons.

Here’s what we can understand: do all Canadians just happen to have snakes in their coat pockets?

Snakes in the mail

It seems like there’s a new data breach reported every day lately. We now have reason to believe it’s the animals that are doing it.

A woman in Illinois was surprised when a package arrived at her door. She was even more surprised when she opened it up to find a baby python inside from a reptile dealer. She was still more surprised when she learned that someone, or something, had ordered the snake using her credit card.

The only reasonable answer is that the animals are mailing themselves to humans, using our own dying systems against us.

The Swiss continue to be namby-pambies

In the United States, snakes are nothing to us. Nothing. Sure, some might be poisonous, but ultimately, they’re a low priority in the war on animals.

We’ve clearly lost the land of Switzerland to the animals, as they can’t handle a single snake. A small snake managed to make its way into the ventilation shaft of a train in Switzerland, causing the entire train to have to be evacuated. No. That will not do. Toughen up Switzerland. That’s an order from the front lines.

All is going to plan

The snake. It’s not normally an alpha predator, but in the right ecosystem, it has an untouched reign as king. The ones that have venom are even more powerful in their world, as not many creatures can readily top a poisonous animal.

Unless this is a children’s movie involving sports. You see, the power of teamwork is apparently more powerful than fangs dripping with a toxin, as a group of mice decided to show an unnamed venomous snake. This rebellion of the spirit took place in a Chinese zoo, as the mice were being fed to the serpent, but after seeing one of their kin being eaten, the rodents teamed up on the snake, managing to damage it while also earning their freedom from we humans.

While it’s regrettable that they were released, it is pleasing to see these two species feuding with each other. Perhaps we’ll be able to exploit it when the full-scale war breaks out.

Profiles in Sadness: A celebrity couple makes doohickeys

A lot of news crosses The Guys’ desks. Some of it is very important, too important to be made fun of. Most of it is goofy and deserving of our signature brand of highlighting. Then there are the stories we feel bad going into, not because of tragedy, but that some periodical felt they were worth reporting. These are our Profiles in Sadness.

Not *intended* for use as a cock ring.At least 106 news sites wrote about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s latest endeaver/couples’ therapy: a line of serpent-themed jewelry. (Well, at least this hobby keeps a few impoverished children out of West Los Angeles, where they might breathe the overpriviledged Kardashians’ air.)

It took a while, but boy, do we feel for Brad Pitt. Imagine having your name attached to your wife’s quilting or hamster taxidermy. Sure, it might bring a few extra dollars into the house whenever she sells something at a craft show, but at least your name wasn’t used to market them to guys with fight clubs in their basements.

And, of course, there’s the sole reason for these articles: the fans. Our favorite comments come from People Magazine. Remember, if you’re not white trash enough for the Enquirer, keep People in your bathroom.

“I am a big fan of Angelina (Brads not bad either). Reason being is amount of time they spend helping those who can’t help themselves.
Also Angelina; if Brads starts acting up I have your engagement ring on layaway.”

Oh, Michael Gatlin, you scamp! It’s amazing that you haven’t found your own Angelina yet!

“How exciting! I’m glad that Angelina recognizes the power in serpent symbols. In ancient times, serpents were considered wise and powerful, and very protective. I’m excited that they are going to donate all of the proceeds, as well. What a fantastic couple!”

Yes, Patty: Angelina shares your love for writhing disembodied penis symbols.

So, we’d like to thank celebrity rags, mouth-breathing fame worshippers and their bored Hollywood sovereign for all contributing to today’s Profile in Sadness.

Warrior of the Week: Duan Qiongxiu

A woman in China discovered a snake clinging to the wall of her bedroom with one clawed foot. It turned out she’d discovered an incredibly rare mutation: it’s actually more common for snakes to have two heads than feet. Of course, by mutation, I mean insidious and sinister plot by animals to create super beasts.

Luckily, the brave and noble Duan Qiongxiu of Suining, China, killed the snake before it could be captured and studied by scientists upon first encounter. She said the monster was crawling along her wall using its foot and she beat it to death.

The snake – 16 inches long and the thickness of a little finger – is now being studied at the Life Sciences Department at China’s West Normal University in Nanchang.

Snake expert Long Shuai said: “It is truly shocking but we won’t know the cause until we’ve conducted an autopsy.”

Creatures can re-evolve old features. Maybe this snake is the first mutation in a series that will bring back snakes with legs? Perhaps as the snakes’ environments disappear, it will be better for them to have legs with claws. All the better for climbing around in cities. And killing us. Duan didn’t stumble upon an evolutionary throwback-what she found was a secret weapon. We’re only too lucky to that she eliminated it before more could be created … that we know.

Duan Quongxiu, we proudly name you our Warrior of the Week.

Snakes in a Toilet

The can is the one place where a man can really be alone. There, he can think, pick his nose, or eat his lunch, all while doing his business. But this site of tranquility also is open to attack.

A Taiwanese man had just such a nightmare happen to him. According to the China Times, the man sat down on the john and then felt a knife-like pain in his junk. There was a snake in the toilet bowl waiting to strike. The worst part about this is that it the attack hit his manly manly part. We all have nightmares about that. Good luck pooping today.