Here’s your nightmare for today

Sleep is pretty awesome. And yet, when you sleep, you are vulnerable to all sorts of attacks, like large animals falling on you.

In upstate New York, a man was sleeping in his bed, probably enjoying a nice peaceful dream offering him an escape from the frustrations and disappointments of everyday life, when a snake fell on him. A six-foot-long boa constrictor fell from the ceiling and landed on him, we’re assuming that woke him up. Imagine the terror of being woken up by the sudden impact of an animal falling on you, then discovering that that animal is a huge snake.

Turns out the boa constrictor escaped its enclosure somewhere else in the apartment building and was out for a stroll. Amazingly, no one was arrested and the snake wasn’t put down.

Sleep with one eye open tonight.

All is going to plan

The snake. It’s not normally an alpha predator, but in the right ecosystem, it has an untouched reign as king. The ones that have venom are even more powerful in their world, as not many creatures can readily top a poisonous animal.

Unless this is a children’s movie involving sports. You see, the power of teamwork is apparently more powerful than fangs dripping with a toxin, as a group of mice decided to show an unnamed venomous snake. This rebellion of the spirit took place in a Chinese zoo, as the mice were being fed to the serpent, but after seeing one of their kin being eaten, the rodents teamed up on the snake, managing to damage it while also earning their freedom from we humans.

While it’s regrettable that they were released, it is pleasing to see these two species feuding with each other. Perhaps we’ll be able to exploit it when the full-scale war breaks out.

Profiles in Sadness: A celebrity couple makes doohickeys

A lot of news crosses The Guys’ desks. Some of it is very important, too important to be made fun of. Most of it is goofy and deserving of our signature brand of highlighting. Then there are the stories we feel bad going into, not because of tragedy, but that some periodical felt they were worth reporting. These are our Profiles in Sadness.

Not *intended* for use as a cock ring.At least 106 news sites wrote about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s latest endeaver/couples’ therapy: a line of serpent-themed jewelry. (Well, at least this hobby keeps a few impoverished children out of West Los Angeles, where they might breathe the overpriviledged Kardashians’ air.)

It took a while, but boy, do we feel for Brad Pitt. Imagine having your name attached to your wife’s quilting or hamster taxidermy. Sure, it might bring a few extra dollars into the house whenever she sells something at a craft show, but at least your name wasn’t used to market them to guys with fight clubs in their basements.

And, of course, there’s the sole reason for these articles: the fans. Our favorite comments come from People Magazine. Remember, if you’re not white trash enough for the Enquirer, keep People in your bathroom.

“I am a big fan of Angelina (Brads not bad either). Reason being is amount of time they spend helping those who can’t help themselves.
Also Angelina; if Brads starts acting up I have your engagement ring on layaway.”

Oh, Michael Gatlin, you scamp! It’s amazing that you haven’t found your own Angelina yet!

“How exciting! I’m glad that Angelina recognizes the power in serpent symbols. In ancient times, serpents were considered wise and powerful, and very protective. I’m excited that they are going to donate all of the proceeds, as well. What a fantastic couple!”

Yes, Patty: Angelina shares your love for writhing disembodied penis symbols.

So, we’d like to thank celebrity rags, mouth-breathing fame worshippers and their bored Hollywood sovereign for all contributing to today’s Profile in Sadness.

Warrior of the Week: Duan Qiongxiu

A woman in China discovered a snake clinging to the wall of her bedroom with one clawed foot. It turned out she’d discovered an incredibly rare mutation: it’s actually more common for snakes to have two heads than feet. Of course, by mutation, I mean insidious and sinister plot by animals to create super beasts.

Luckily, the brave and noble Duan Qiongxiu of Suining, China, killed the snake before it could be captured and studied by scientists upon first encounter. She said the monster was crawling along her wall using its foot and she beat it to death.

The snake – 16 inches long and the thickness of a little finger – is now being studied at the Life Sciences Department at China’s West Normal University in Nanchang.

Snake expert Long Shuai said: “It is truly shocking but we won’t know the cause until we’ve conducted an autopsy.”

Creatures can re-evolve old features. Maybe this snake is the first mutation in a series that will bring back snakes with legs? Perhaps as the snakes’ environments disappear, it will be better for them to have legs with claws. All the better for climbing around in cities. And killing us. Duan didn’t stumble upon an evolutionary throwback-what she found was a secret weapon. We’re only too lucky to that she eliminated it before more could be created … that we know.

Duan Quongxiu, we proudly name you our Warrior of the Week.

Snakes in a Toilet

The can is the one place where a man can really be alone. There, he can think, pick his nose, or eat his lunch, all while doing his business. But this site of tranquility also is open to attack.

A Taiwanese man had just such a nightmare happen to him. According to the China Times, the man sat down on the john and then felt a knife-like pain in his junk. There was a snake in the toilet bowl waiting to strike. The worst part about this is that it the attack hit his manly manly part. We all have nightmares about that. Good luck pooping today.