Australia seems mixed on the War on Animals

Australia is filled with crazy people and deadly creatures, and is pretty much deserted in the middle, which basically makes it Florida. And as the summer in the Southern Hemisphere wraps up, it seems like a good time to check in on our allies down under.

In Queensland, some fools decided to save a giant spider from flood waters. The whistling spider, also called the Australian tarantula, was dangling on a tree branch in an attempt to escape a flood, and some passersby decided to help it. Keep in mind this thing is larger than your hand and hisses. They then moved it to a tree in the center of town and probably thought they did a good deed. We can only hope that their arrests are forthcoming.

Also in Queensland, a family finally caught a deadly brown snake living in their yard with the use of a jackhammer. The snake, one of the most poisonous in Australia, had been living under some steps for months. They decided to jackhammer the concrete walkway outside their house to give the beast fewer places to hide.

The plan worked, and the snake was caught in just a couple hours. Well done, brave warriors.

The snakes seem to have won this time

It’s all over, folks. After a month of sloshing around and hacking at random branches, Florida’s 2013 Python Hunt has come to a close. You remember, the big event where just about anyone could go into the Everglades and kill as many Burmese pythons as they want?

According to the Florida Fish & Wildlife Conservation Commission, in all, only about 50 of the beasts were taken, even though there are thousands of them estimated to be slithering around and eating anything they can. It will provide a lot of data for scientists, but it sure seems like a disappointment.

The problem is that the program is flawed. Why limit it to just one month, especially during the time of year when it’s coldest and reptiles are typically less active? We need to make this a year-long event. Whoever turns in the most pythons by year’s end wins!

Snakes in a Parcel

With Halloween here, the holiday season has officially begun. Soon enough, packages will arrive at your door, and they can only be filled with presents and steaks of the month, right?

That’s what postal workers in South Africa thought as they opened a mail bag. But, then a white python slithered out. Four snakes in all were found inside the bag from a single parcel. Say what you will about the animal menace, but at least they know how to save on postage by shipping themselves in bulk.

Enjoy checking your mail today, and Happy Halloween!

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Ssssssmoking!

Smoking is bad for your health (perhaps you’ve heard?), but people smoke anyway. They’re hooked. They wish they could quit, but the allure of having your breath and hands smell bad is just too tempting. We know how it is. Some of The Guys are smokers. Unfortunately, that gives people like Rick Snee and Bryan Schools something in common with the enemy.

In Taiwan, Po the pit viper also enjoys the sweet, sweet taste of toasted nicotine. His owner also has the habit of smoking, which is what got the snake into it. He used to throw butts on the ground, and Po would slither over to them, apparently liking the feel of it in his mouth. Before he knew it, Po was smoking two a day. To be fair, it’s a comfort thing. The snake only feels comfortable with a smoke in one hand and a drink in the other.

(Get it?)

The McBournie Minute: Get ready for the return flight

Last week I was scrolling through the channels because my cable box was having issues downloading program info. It was like being back in 1996. I had to scroll through the channels not pressing the page up/page down buttons, but the channel up/channel down ones instead.

I stopped at FX, because they are generally good to me, after all, they brought us the greatest show about Denis Leary’s stand-up world this side of The Job. But tonight’s fare was not quite at that level. Instead I got the last half hour of Snakes on a Plane. I know it was cool four years ago for blogs to be all excited about this movie, but really, it’s a second-rate action flick that’s never sure if it’s supposed to be sarcastic or not.

Naturally, I watched it.

I even got in in time for Samuel L. Jackson’s famous (if not edited) line: “That is it! I have had it with these monkey fighting snakes on this Monday-to-Friday plane!” Those of you who follow me on Twitter know where I’m going with this. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Get ready for the return flight

War at home and abroad

Tennis is not only one of the games you can play on a Wii, it is one of the most popular racket-based sports in Western culture (right after racket puck and racket futbol). But in England, one of the sport’s most hallowed events, Wimbledon, is under attack by pigeons.

Yes, pigeons like to land on the court during matches, but the Brits have a solution that we proudly endorse: shoot the bastards. That’s right, snipers will be employed at Wimbledon to take out pigeons before they can land or make one of their treacherous carpet bombs all over your shirt. If that does not work, we recommend calling in sportsman and proud warrior Randy Johnson.

Here at home, Americans are being attacked doing things we all do regularly. For example, checking the mail can even be dangerous. A New Hampshire woman received quite a shock when she found a non-poisonous corn snake in her mailbox. Worst of all, it did not have the required postage. We all know gerbils are sneaky, lethal pets ready to snap and maul the children. In Utah, a gerbil is being blamed for an accident when it escaped from its cage as its teen owner was transporting it in her car. Two people were sent to the hospital, the gerbil has yet to be charged.

Immigration turns dangerous in Florida

Let’s face it, Florida is a bad place to live. Between the danger posed by the local wildlife and threats of civil war, it’s just not worth hanging around the state. Georgia doesn’t even like being near it.

But now there’s another reason, as if one was needed, to be very, very afraid while within the Floridian borders: a python invasion. That’s right, Florida is being invaded by pythons, and not just any pythons, GIANT pythons. The worst part is that they may invade other southern states in a reverse of General Sherman’s March to the Sea.

The apologist media likes to believe that the python threat is the result of pets getting out or being released into the wild, then repopulating in an area not their native land. But we here know they are just the latest wave of illegal immigrants coming from South America.

Zebras really don’t change their stripes

It’s spring time along the Chesapeake, and clearly the animals know it, because they are coming out of hiding, most likely with fresh plans to attack and kill us all. Not only are the merciless pandas repopulating, but snakes are going after the region’s travelers.

Now, it seems they are hatching their evil plans of world domination by breaking out from the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. This blog warned something like this could happen if the two mega-circuses (circi?) were allowed to merge. In Baltimore, drivers are used to seeing some weird stuff, but Thursday they saw zebras running around downtown. Luckily, they were rounded up before they could hold up too much traffic.

Then this blog found another startling revelation:

“The same three zebras, plus a fourth, made a similar escape in June during the circus’ visit to Colorado Springs.”

The nation’s capital is now in peril, as the circus has turned its sights to Washington. Earlier today, there were rumors that elephants–not GOP members–were strolling down amongst federal government buildings as evidenced here in this real picture. We need to fight back! Can’t we shoot someone out of a cannon at these monsters?

Snakes in a bag

The Easter holiday travel time might be over finally, but now we are left to clean up the mess left by attacks on our high holy holiday. Unlike humans, animals are soulless and do not believe in God. This is proven by their attempts to thwart Easter in the name of their ungodly cause.

A man outside of Washington, a current hotbed of animal activity, was attacked by a snake that got into his luggage somehow. The man, a rowing coach, had been in South Carolina and reached into his luggage after returning home. There he was bitten by a rattlesnake. Firefighters were the first to arrive on scene.

“‘We took the bag outside and used a [carbon dioxide] fire extinguisher to freeze the snake,’ killing it, Barksdale said.”

Truly, our country’s bravest.

The next wave of illegal immigrants

Global warming may be a threat after all. Not because some scientists are worried that we will be plunged into a new ice age because of it–that’s just crazy talk. But because warmer climates could result in us getting some rather unpleasant neighbors.

Scientists say that if the planet heats up at its current rate, by 2100, parts of North America could have a climate similar to Pakistan or Indonesia. While this blog has no idea what that means, there is a scarier aspect to this: Pythons could invade our territory.

“Climate modeling for the year 2100 which shows the possible climate range for pythons moving northward and swallowing up northernmost parts of Texas and Arkansas, the southeast half of Kansas, the southern half of Missouri and parts of southern Illinois and Indiana. Further east the big snakes could comfortably creep through Tennessee, Kentucky, Maryland, Delaware and southern New Jersey.”

The west coast isn’t safe either. Folks, we have to either fight global warming or fight pythons. Since it’s unclear whether or not a shotgun can kill global warming, this blog recommends we go after pythons.