Customs agents find cobras in chip cans

Next they’ll send a cushion filled with actual farts.

It’s an old gag, and as classic as the whoopee cushion: one person hands a friend a can of nuts of chips, and when the friend opens it, a spring-loaded snake jumps out. Most of us would just brush it off as lame, someone in China thought, “What if?”

In California, a man has been arrested on smuggling charges after customs officials found three deadly king cobras packed into potato chip cans that were being shipped to his address from Hong Kong. Authorities allege that the man had been illegally importing endangered reptiles for months.

The Chinese are known to take practical jokes a little too seriously.

40 snakes found in Wal-Mart parking lot, as foretold in prophecy

If we haven’t made it clear by now, you should avoid Wal-Mart at all costs, and not because they gut your town’s economy. Those places, their parking lots, specifically, are targets for animal attacks.

In Arkansas, police responded to a report of 40 snakes in the parking lot, creating a panic. Many Wal-Mart-goers were concerned that the snakes where poisonous, but fortunately, this turned out not to be true.

Police believe that the snakes were put there by some evil person, but that’s lazy police work. It is entirely conceivable that these snakes showed up in the Wal-Mart parking lot on their own specifically to wreak havoc on the local populace. These non-poisonous snakes wanted to live one day like they were as dangerous at the ones that have venom.

Check your Christmas tree for snakes

Here in the U.S., and in countries around the world that try to be America, it’s Christmastime–a sacred holiday filled with celebrating Jesus’ birth by asking people to buy you things. So as we celebrate by binge drinking with friends and family in tacky sweaters, let’s not forget to remain on our guards.

A woman in Melbourne, Australia found a deadly tiger snake slithering in her Christmas tree yesterday. No doubt the snake was there to give the gift of its venom to all the good boys and girls. The woman reportedly called an animal handler, then made herself a cup of tea and watched the thing act like scaly garland in her tree.

The snake was caught, and luckily no humans were harmed. We have no word on whether the snake will live to see Christmas.

Beer: the snake’s weakness

Snakes are bad, but the Australians are showing us how to neutralize threats and enjoy a buzz at the same time.

It seems that Australian snakes have a powerful thirst, so the locals leave empty beer cans out. The snakes get their heads stuck in the cans, and just like that, you don’t need to worry about the snake biting you or your family.

To set up these snake traps here in the U.S. simply:

  1. Empty a beer can.
  2. Throw it in your yard.
  3. Wait.

Attention! War is upon us!

It’s happening, it’s happening! The animals have finally made their move! We told you yesterday about the invasive hawks, but it’s gotten worse!

Don’t believe me? Snakes have begun invading an apartment complex in Memphis. That’s bad. No one actually likes snakes and if they say they do, that person is lying. Snakes have no purpose inside of a people building, and yet, the snakes are coming in from a field and attempting to make the lodging their own, endangering children and residents.

And yet, there’s worse. While snakes invading a building is bad, grasshoppers have begun invading an entire city. New Mexico’s chief city, Albuquerque, has become overrun with the grass eating insects (warning: Autoplay). How bad is it?

The National Weather Service said the air is so dense with the bugs that they appear on its radar like rain.

Clogging up weather data, eating local’s plants, invading their personal space … it’s bad, people. We’ve got to take these back from the enemy.

Things are getting mean in the swamp

It’s March, and the southern climes maybe be getting nicer. But remember, stay away from the water.

Red Sox pitcher Jake Peavy managed to get himself on the injured reserve, he might be the first one to do so this MLB preseason. Peavy promised his son that they would go fishing since they are in Florida. He bought some fishing gear, and ended up cutting himself with a knife when he cut the packaging ties off. Of course, animals are suspected.

If that’s not enough of a reason to stay away from the water, snakes and crocodiles are fighting each other, and it’s best not to get in their way.

The snakes seem to have won this time

It’s all over, folks. After a month of sloshing around and hacking at random branches, Florida’s 2013 Python Hunt has come to a close. You remember, the big event where just about anyone could go into the Everglades and kill as many Burmese pythons as they want?

According to the Florida Fish & Wildlife Conservation Commission, in all, only about 50 of the beasts were taken, even though there are thousands of them estimated to be slithering around and eating anything they can. It will provide a lot of data for scientists, but it sure seems like a disappointment.

The problem is that the program is flawed. Why limit it to just one month, especially during the time of year when it’s coldest and reptiles are typically less active? We need to make this a year-long event. Whoever turns in the most pythons by year’s end wins!

Snakes in a Parcel

With Halloween here, the holiday season has officially begun. Soon enough, packages will arrive at your door, and they can only be filled with presents and steaks of the month, right?

That’s what postal workers in South Africa thought as they opened a mail bag. But, then a white python slithered out. Four snakes in all were found inside the bag from a single parcel. Say what you will about the animal menace, but at least they know how to save on postage by shipping themselves in bulk.

Enjoy checking your mail today, and Happy Halloween!

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Ssssssmoking!

Smoking is bad for your health (perhaps you’ve heard?), but people smoke anyway. They’re hooked. They wish they could quit, but the allure of having your breath and hands smell bad is just too tempting. We know how it is. Some of The Guys are smokers. Unfortunately, that gives people like Rick Snee and Bryan Schools something in common with the enemy.

In Taiwan, Po the pit viper also enjoys the sweet, sweet taste of toasted nicotine. His owner also has the habit of smoking, which is what got the snake into it. He used to throw butts on the ground, and Po would slither over to them, apparently liking the feel of it in his mouth. Before he knew it, Po was smoking two a day. To be fair, it’s a comfort thing. The snake only feels comfortable with a smoke in one hand and a drink in the other.

(Get it?)

The McBournie Minute: Get ready for the return flight

Last week I was scrolling through the channels because my cable box was having issues downloading program info. It was like being back in 1996. I had to scroll through the channels not pressing the page up/page down buttons, but the channel up/channel down ones instead.

I stopped at FX, because they are generally good to me, after all, they brought us the greatest show about Denis Leary’s stand-up world this side of The Job. But tonight’s fare was not quite at that level. Instead I got the last half hour of Snakes on a Plane. I know it was cool four years ago for blogs to be all excited about this movie, but really, it’s a second-rate action flick that’s never sure if it’s supposed to be sarcastic or not.

Naturally, I watched it.

I even got in in time for Samuel L. Jackson’s famous (if not edited) line: “That is it! I have had it with these monkey fighting snakes on this Monday-to-Friday plane!” Those of you who follow me on Twitter know where I’m going with this. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Get ready for the return flight