Family waits to be dug out of avalanche with a lot of wine

Speaking of coping with natural disasters through inebriation, what’s going on in the half of the world where it’s winter?

In New Zealand, a family was enjoying an annual trip to a mountain lodge, when an avalanche ruined things. The lodge wasn’t hit, and the family was safe, but the only road to and from the lodge was buried under a whole lot of snow. The family was cut off from civilization, and were told that crews would take a few days to clear the road for them again.

They didn’t panic, and told the media that things were going well because they still had plenty of wine. Always pack accordingly for your vacation.

You Missed It: Super edition

Chris Christie should not have dropped acid before going on stage.
Chris Christie should not have dropped acid before going on stage.

I can’t wrap my head around leap days. I understand that we get ahead by about six hours every year, and we add on an extra day every four years to compensate for it, but what are we ahead of? It’s not like two years ago, when we were 12 hours ahead, the sun was setting in the morning. If our current method of time keeping is so off, why don’t we just fix it. Have minutes last 100 seconds or something. If you were busy this week coming back to Earth after nearly a year in space, odds are you missed it.

Superman wins 0 states on Super Tuesday
This week, voters in 12 states voted in their states’ primaries, or causes, or whatever they thought was a good idea for selecting a candidate to run for president. Donald Trump pulled further away from fellow Republicans, as the wave of antidisestablishmentarianism continues to sweep through conservative voters. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders won a few states, making the 24-year-long plot line of Hillary Clinton interesting for another few weeks. Not to editorialize, but I think we’re taking our fascination with end-of-the-world shows and movies a little too far.

Rare cards date back to when baseball was entertaining
It was announced this week that seven rare Ty Cobb baseball cards were found in a paper bag in an old house, and they are indeed authentic. Until now, only 15 such cards were known to exist. Experts authenticated find by examining the ink and aging of the cards, as well as whether they made the right sound when put in bicycle spokes.

Snow race races to get snow
Speaking of sports, Anchorage, Alaska has had such a warm winter this year that snow has to be brought in by railroad just so the Iditarod can start this weekend. This has been “News That Sounds Like It’s From 1892.”

Virginia goes on a bender

Thanks, Nature!
Thanks, Nature!

The Guys all live in Virginia, which is supposed to be hit with a big snow storm over the weekend. You know that we have all taken the proper precautions to ensure our safety, but you may not realize how much of an effect we have on our fellow Virginians.

In getting ready for the storm, people have been stocking up on the essentials, namely, liquor. Stores throughout the state, especially in Richmond, are selling out of hooch because so many people are stocking up for the weekend blizzard.

We’re thrilled to have inspired so many people. We all stocked up earlier this week, and don’t plan on being without a drink in hand until Monday morning at the earliest.

You Missed It: Endless winter edition

"I regret nothiiiiiing!"
“I regret nothiiiiiing!”

Does anyone know who the Oscars are for at this point? Who is the target audience? I’m all for a celebration of good films, but it seems like most of the movies nominated these days are ones few people actually saw. It’s probably my fault I didn’t see more than a couple of them this year, but come on, did anyone see The Theory of Everything for a reason other than it was destined to be nominated? This year, I’m just watching for the Samsung product placement stunts. If you were busy watching a terrible sit-com end this week, odds are you missed it.

Winter will not go quietly
This week, a cold snap hit much of the East Coast and eastern Midwest, breaking record lows all over and generally messing up people’s lives. Boston got even more snow, and the mayor had to issue a warning for residents to stop leaping from windows into snowdrifts, as it could cause serious injury. To which Bostonians replied, “We weren’t trying to survive the fall.”

Rock the mic like a burglar
Speaking of cold, washed up rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested and charged with burglary in Florida this week. Authorities say he was filming an episode of of his home renovation show on the DIY Network, and broke into the foreclosed home next door. Police say he stole furniture, bikes, a pool heater and other random things. It’s sad that in a society as progressive as our, there are still people intentionally going to jail just so they can get a meal, isn’t it?

Sticking up for an alleged rapist is honorable now
Comedian Norm Macdonald tweeted this week that fellow Saturday Night Live alumnus Eddie Murphy declined to do a Bill Cosby impression for the SNL 40th anniversary special on Sunday night. He said Murphy “will not kick a man when he is down.” Cosby, on the other hand, is happy to mount a woman when she is down.

Punxsutawney Phil is a wanted groundhog

In the War on Animals, it’s not every day that we get support from local police forces, but today is one of those days.

The Merrimack Police Department in New Hampshire has issued an arrest warrant for Punxsutawney Phil relating to his recent forecast of six more weeks of winter. Authorities say the groundhog failed to disclose that six more weeks of winter would mean that New England would be buried in snow.

We can only hope the authorities in Pennsylvania will extradite Phil as soon as possible to ensure that justice is done.

Students protect their snow penis

Freedom of expression is under attack in Texas.

Students at Texas Tech University spent a snowy day the way any other group of college kids would: they built a snow penis. It was tall, it had testicles, it was loved by all–that is until the school, armed with a bulldozer, came in to knock the phallus down. Students put up a brilliant defense of their creation, but in the end, fascism won.

Also, apparently it snows in Texas.

Take it from Snee: D.C. snow facts

The Washington Monument in snow? Or a congressperson lying on a his back and Instagraming a selfie? You decide.
The Washington Monument in snow? Or a senator lying on a his back and Instagraming a selfie? You decide.

The D.C. metro area is covered in about an inch of snow. This means that, while every single business that relies on customers walking or driving to their location is open, the majority of the population is off from work because they work for the government or at one of our many shuttered schools (OK, so also government).

Of course, Northern Virginia wasn’t the only place to get snow this week. But, as the southernmost tip of the mid-Atlantic, we get at least an inch every year and yet treat it like the world has ended.

So, since nothing else is getting done around here, here’s some facts about snow in our nation’s capitol … ‘s commuter neighborhoods that aren’t in Maryland.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: D.C. snow facts

The McBournie Minute: Recall Punxsutawney Phil and his cronies

The American people have a long history of taking people to task. If the public puts its trust in you and you fail, willingly or not, or you harm the country in some way you should have to answer to the people. It’s one of the things that makes this country so great.

For example, after years of stagnation and polarization, the American people had had enough of Congress’ inability to get anything done. That’s why last fall, true patriots went to the polls and re-elected nearly everyone who ran. The only way you were voted out was if someone more uncompromising was running. And so, we got a very public retreat from an assault weapons ban. Progress!

In this tradition, we need to hold accountable those who injure us in the most grievous ways. The people are coming for you, prognosticators! Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Recall Punxsutawney Phil and his cronies

Only 112 days until Hypothermia Season!

For decades, retailers have moved Christmas earlier and earlier each year. Well, this is a recession, which means failing stores don’t get to set our calendar anymore. And who’s the only recession-proof industry? Medicine.

Which is why it is important that you panic about sledding injuries right now.

No, seriously. Drop whatever it is you’re doing that may be seasonally rational, go out to the shed and vulcanize all the sharp corners on your sledding hills. After all, what are you going to do when they’re covered with snow and it’s too late to be a good parent?

We’d also like to point out that if you’re just now preparing your Halloween Disaster Plan, then your children may have already been poisoned and lured into a Satanic cult. Way to sit on that until August, “mom.”

You Missed It: Coming in hot edition

Greetings from the worst winter our nation’s capital his had in 100 years! Yes, as I write this, I am braving out a storm that is supposed to put the snowfall for the winter over the top and make it the snowiest winter in a decade. On top of that, we are supposed to get nearly two fraggle-rocking feet of snow before it’s all over. Anyway, enough about me and my world coming to an end. Let’s get down to business. If you were busy partying with teabaggers, odds are you missed it.

A screeching halt
Remember the days when American car companies sucked and Japanese car companies’ profits soared? Things have changed. Ford now sucks slightly less, and Toyota has more or less crapped the bed. After that pesky gas pedal recalls that happened last week (months after a family was killed because of it), Toyota also issued a recall on the brake pedals of their Prius hybrid cars. The company said that owners can tell if they have faulty brakes if fails to slow from its top speed of 15 mph.

Mel Gibson would like to tell you how he feels about you
Actor Mel Gibson is mounting a comeback not only in the movie theaters, but in the headlines as well. Everyone’s favorite alcoholic member of Opus Dei had to explain himself when during a television interview with a Chicago reporter he muttered a word we can’t repeat here, but let’s just say it contained the words “ass” (which we can say) and “hole.” Gibson later apologized via text message, saying the comment was aimed at his publicist, not the reporter. He blamed the mishap on the Jews.

The beginning of the end of a show that will never actually answer anything
Lost returned this week to the delight of millions (including several people in my office). The show is now in its final season, with more mysteries than ever, like parallel universes, people who are dead and aren’t dead, and much, much more. In related news, I still don’t care about this show. World, please stop asking me my thoughts on it.