The McBournie Minute: Recall Punxsutawney Phil and his cronies

The American people have a long history of taking people to task. If the public puts its trust in you and you fail, willingly or not, or you harm the country in some way you should have to answer to the people. It’s one of the things that makes this country so great.

For example, after years of stagnation and polarization, the American people had had enough of Congress’ inability to get anything done. That’s why last fall, true patriots went to the polls and re-elected nearly everyone who ran. The only way you were voted out was if someone more uncompromising was running. And so, we got a very public retreat from an assault weapons ban. Progress!

In this tradition, we need to hold accountable those who injure us in the most grievous ways. The people are coming for you, prognosticators! Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Recall Punxsutawney Phil and his cronies

Only 112 days until Hypothermia Season!

For decades, retailers have moved Christmas earlier and earlier each year. Well, this is a recession, which means failing stores don’t get to set our calendar anymore. And who’s the only recession-proof industry? Medicine.

Which is why it is important that you panic about sledding injuries right now.

No, seriously. Drop whatever it is you’re doing that may be seasonally rational, go out to the shed and vulcanize all the sharp corners on your sledding hills. After all, what are you going to do when they’re covered with snow and it’s too late to be a good parent?

We’d also like to point out that if you’re just now preparing your Halloween Disaster Plan, then your children may have already been poisoned and lured into a Satanic cult. Way to sit on that until August, “mom.”

You Missed It: Coming in hot edition

Greetings from the worst winter our nation’s capital his had in 100 years! Yes, as I write this, I am braving out a storm that is supposed to put the snowfall for the winter over the top and make it the snowiest winter in a decade. On top of that, we are supposed to get nearly two fraggle-rocking feet of snow before it’s all over. Anyway, enough about me and my world coming to an end. Let’s get down to business. If you were busy partying with teabaggers, odds are you missed it.

A screeching halt
Remember the days when American car companies sucked and Japanese car companies’ profits soared? Things have changed. Ford now sucks slightly less, and Toyota has more or less crapped the bed. After that pesky gas pedal recalls that happened last week (months after a family was killed because of it), Toyota also issued a recall on the brake pedals of their Prius hybrid cars. The company said that owners can tell if they have faulty brakes if fails to slow from its top speed of 15 mph.

Mel Gibson would like to tell you how he feels about you
Actor Mel Gibson is mounting a comeback not only in the movie theaters, but in the headlines as well. Everyone’s favorite alcoholic member of Opus Dei had to explain himself when during a television interview with a Chicago reporter he muttered a word we can’t repeat here, but let’s just say it contained the words “ass” (which we can say) and “hole.” Gibson later apologized via text message, saying the comment was aimed at his publicist, not the reporter. He blamed the mishap on the Jews.

The beginning of the end of a show that will never actually answer anything
Lost returned this week to the delight of millions (including several people in my office). The show is now in its final season, with more mysteries than ever, like parallel universes, people who are dead and aren’t dead, and much, much more. In related news, I still don’t care about this show. World, please stop asking me my thoughts on it.

The McBournie Minute: Drunkard vs. Wild

I trudged on through the blinding snow. It was piling up by the hour, and conditions were getting worse all the time. I pushed onward because I had to make it to my goal, and make it to safety. I was out in the middle of a blizzard carving my own path in the ever-deepening snow. Somewhere far behind me my car lay buried. Everywhere, people found themselves stuck. I pushed on ahead despite the cold wind blowing snow down my neck. One thing and one thing alone kept me going: I needed bourbon.

Mother nature seldom shows mercy. She can come for anyone at any time. That is why you must always be prepared to survive when something bad comes your way. I consider myself something of a survivalist, though you wouldn’t know it by calm demeanor and desk job lifestyle. But when it comes to survival, I’m the kind of guy you want to have around.

This weekend, much of the East Coast was hit by a snow storm. This includes the greater Washington, D.C. area, where I live, only here they called it a blizzard. It ended up being one of the worst storm’s in the area’s history–well of the last 100 years, and even then, it came in as like third or fourth worst. Still, it was intense, man. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Drunkard vs. Wild

In Soviet Russia, airplane plows snow

If you live near Moscow, you better hope that you’re not a big fan of those picturesque Christmas movies.

The mayor of Moscow has promised that, with the help of a small nominal budgetary fee and the Russian Air Force, there will be no snow. Now, this actually has a chance at a positive effect on the town, as with roads not blanketed by snow, people will actually be able to go to work on time.

Of course, there’s a possible snitch in the plan. Cloud seeding doesn’t necessarily work very well. In some cases it generates precipitation, in some cases it seems to prevent precipitation, and the big question is really would it have rained/snowed there without seeding? Because whenever they try it, they’re going for a big over-saturated cloud that was gonna go off in a downpour anyway. Also, since they’ll be seeding with cement, just imagine what the hail is going to turn out like.

Sadly, I doubt that Luzhkov has the intelligence to separate it into 3 pieces-just in case.

Snowdrift of the living dead

It’s been a while since we heard any news from the undead scourge. The winters normally cause zombies to go into a dormant state (you know, other than death), so they are not really a threat until spring. Some believe this is why we have Easter.

This is not a normal zombie case by any means. A woman was found in a snowdrift in Milwaukee frozen pretty solid over. Even a surgeon said she was “technically dead.” But once again, science interfered with God’s plan and she was brought back from the dead at a nearby hospital. The zombie claims to go by the name of Tia Ross, who was 25 when she was living.

Speak, zombie, speak!

“I was dead and he brought me back to life,” Ross said.

Doctors are unsure of when Ross will be released from the hospital to feast on the flesh of the living.