Drinking: The real national pastime

As with most things in life, watching sports is better with alcohol. It turns out that here in America, if you’re watching a game, you’re probably drunk.

According to a recent poll of Americans who drink, almost no one watches sports without a buzz. Leading the way are football and baseball, with 84% and 78% saying they associate those sports with alcohol, respectively. These are followed by car racing, hockey, horse racing, basketball and boxing. The soberest sports out there, with less than half the respondents associating them with booze, are golf, soccer, beach volleyball and tennis. So basically, the sports people don’t watch anyway.

Now you have actual data to convince the bartender to turn off the Premier League.

You Missed It: End of transition edition

"Crazy woman driver" should round out the sexist things she's been called.
“Crazy woman driver” should round out the sexist things she’s been called.

National Doughnut Day is about as American a holiday as any non-Super Bowl day can get. But its roots go back a century. During World War I, women from the Salvation Army gave out doughnuts to American soldiers to keep up morale, and probably to remind the boys on the front what a woman looked like. Just picture Ernest Hemingway driving an ambulance near the front lines, drunkenly chomping on a doughnut and trying to avoid driving into a trench. If you were busy campaigning for the female version of Viagra this week, odds are you missed it.

Mercifully, her name is “K” -free
Former Olympian and reality show cameo artist Bruce Jenner this week appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair, announcing that her transition to a woman is complete, and that she now goes by Caitlyn. The cover was celebrated in the LGBT community, and panned by the people on Facebook you knew would say something stupid. But the biggest controversy that has risen since Caitlyn’s transition? You guess it, whether they’re going to rename Bruce Jenner Lane in Austin, Texas.

Blatter deflated
Sepp Blatter announced he will resign as president of FIFA at some point in the future, and that he his cooperating with the authorities looking into the international soccer organization. He said he’d be happy to name names in the corruption investigation as long as “the FBI makes it worth my while, if you know what I mean.”

He means it this time
This week, former Texas Gov. Rick Perry announced he’s running for president. Kicking off a campaign that will need to curry favor with the public, the media and potential corporate backers, in seeking a public position bounded by a document that lays out a series of checks and balances, Perry played a country-rap song called “Answer to No One.” Between the glasses and the ironic choice in music, Rick Perry is your leading hipster candidate.

You Missed It: Soccerruption edition

Is this FIFA? Let's just say it is.
Is this FIFA? Let’s just say it is.

I’m never sure what to think about day drinking. On the one hand, if you’re drinking outside, there’s a decent chance that its daytime. And drinking outside is awesome. Having a buzz in the middle of the day is fun either way. The only problem is that after a couple hours you’re struggling to stay awake. That’s not fun. Over Memorial Day weekend I found a great compromise: late afternoon drinking. It’s great because it’s still light out, but not for very long, and then it’s night drinking. Then, you can go as long as you want. If you were busy spelling words on live TV this week, odds are you missed it.

Bribery-and-kickback-to-secure-lucrative-media-rightsgate
This week, Swiss authorities arrested several top FIFA officials. The arrests were made in conjunction with the U.S. Department of Justice, with corruption charges coming soon once they are extradited.

You know what? It’s the Friday of a short week, and this was pretty much all anyone talked about. So we’re going to change up the format a bit. I’m just going to riff on this one and see how it goes.

  • That’s it, I’m never watching soccer again!
  • Several high-ranking football officials were arrested on corruption charges, sadly, Roger Goodell wasn’t one of them.
  • Finally the U.S. is taking down the sport that has been giving football a bad name with its dives and general swishiness.
  • If convicted, the officials face a sentence of hard labor building the stadiums for the World Cup in Dubai.
  • We just arrested the heads of the association that oversees the most popular sport in nearly every country but the U.S. We will never stop finding ways to make the world hate us.

U.S. finally interested in soccer

The U.S. hasn't aggressively pursued charges against this many Europeans since Nuremburg, which now makes soccer the Indiana Jones of sports.
The U.S. hasn’t aggressively pursued charges against this many Europeans since Nuremburg, which now makes soccer the Indiana Jones of sports.

Just when it looked like America was going to have to pretend it still likes baseball while the other good sports take the summer off, here comes soccer!

Despite never caring about soccer to date, no matter what your DC United fan friend claims, our government finally found a reason to give a sh*t about that sport that’s like hockey, only without any of the parts that make hockey good. That reason? Arresting Europeans and f*cking over Russia.

U.S. law enforcement is looking into the culture of corruption that is world soccer management after Russia and Qatar appeared to buy the 2018 and 2022 World Cup locations. And also countless other bribes, money laundering, blah blah blah, let’s not miss that we’re sticking it to one country that’s balls deep in Ukraine and the other that hosted Sex and the City 2.

How long will our interest in soccer last? June, once ESPN starts televising NFL grounds keeping teams sod operations in preparation for the 2015-16 season.

You Missed It: End of 2014 edition

I'm not eager to do this, and you shouldn't be, either.
I’m not eager to do this, and you shouldn’t be, either.

We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.

January

At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.

Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.

In case you’re not sick of him already
Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2014 edition

You Missed It: Crumbling edition

WHY, GOD??!!
WHY, GOD??!!

We were all shocked at the news that broke today. It’s been years since this person left, and since then, there’s been bitterness on the part of the fans, and moderate success on the part of the individual. But after all that has happened, it’s time for forgiveness. We can now all be excited because Rosie O’Donnell is returning to The View! If you were busy celebrating the return of a guy you’ve hated for years, odds are you missed it.

That’s the way the cupcake crumbles
This week, Crumbs Bake Shop closed its doors suddenly, even to the surprise of its won employees. The chain had 14 stores throughout the U.S., and was known for being a go-to place when you forgot your coworker’s birthday. Naturally, the country has been in upheaval since the announcement. You can take away their pensions, you can charge them more for health care and you can track their every movement online, but take away Americans’ cupcakes and there will be hell to pay.

Has anyone seen my vial of smallpox?
If you work at the Food and Drug Administration, you probably feel like you can walk around your office as free and clear from illnesses as any workplace in the world–until recently, that is. It was announced this week that during the transfer of lab equipment to another facility, workers found vials of smallpox sitting in an unused storage closet. The vials date back to the 1950s, which means they were sitting there for the better part of a century. Still think you don’t need to get your grown child vaccinated?

Brazilians not so smooth
They had everything going for them. They’d make a strong showing in earlier matches, they defeated a strong Mexico, they had their crotches freshly waxed, and yet something went wrong for the Brazilian team this week. They lost 7-1 to Germany, which in a game where a 1-0 victory might as well be celebrated as 1,000-1, was quite bad. The entire country was shocked. Once they come out of shock, they’ll probably try to forget it ever happened and just go back to rioting.

You Missed It: Courting edition

And if that doesn't work, it's time for the evil eye.
And if that doesn’t work, it’s time for the evil eye.

Did you miss me? I didn’t miss you. It’s not anything against all of you fine readers of discerning taste, it’s that while I was gone, I was on a tropical beach drinking rum for roughly 168 hours straight. During that time, I wasn’t really thinking, “Man, I sure wish writing snarky stuff about current events!” But my trip had to end, and so here we are again. This still beats working on a Friday afternoon. If you were busy threatening a movie this week, odds are you missed it.

Great, now all three branches are involved
House Speaker John Boehner made headlines this week when he announced plans to sue President Barack Obama for overstepping the bounds of executive power. Boehner, who in no way looks like Robert Wagner, insisted that the move is not simply an election-year stunt, and said that should the lawsuit fail, he will file it again another 50 times.

We’ve all been fight-a-homeless-guy drunk
Actor Shia LaBeouf drunkenly disturbed a performance of a performance of “Cabaret” by spitting into the air and generally being a jerk, according to witnesses. He tussled with a security guard who escorting him out after LaBeouf fell down on his own. Outside, he apparently fought with a homeless man before getting arrested. Man, viral marketing for the new Transformers movie has stepped it up.

When is a loss a win?
It was a must-win for USA. Actually, the U.S. Men’s National soccer team just had to tie Germany in order to advance. The battle with Germany was tense for the first half, and a lot of inappropriate World War II jokes were made. But as the game went on, it turned out that even if the U.S. lost by a goal, they still advanced because of another game being played somewhere else. So all the U.S. had to do was not lose by a lot. With competition like that it’s no wonder why we have World Cup fever.

Biting for a bet

By now, the entire world has heard about Uruguay’s Luis Suarez’s biting of an Italian player during a World Cup match earlier this week. Even people in the U.S. have heard about it and saw the terrible jokes companies made on Twitter trying to capitalize on it. But have you heard about the bets?

According to a Norwegian betting site, 167 people won on a prop bet that Suarez would bite someone. Unfortunately, there were no bets on exactly who he would bite, but that would have been crazy.

There, that’s the only interesting thing to come out of an international tournament where people kick a ball around for a couple hours. Carry on.

You Missed It: Bleeding heart edition

"We're sorry. We'll never do it again."
“We’re sorry. We’ll never do it again.”

Before we get started, this may end up being the last You Missed It you see for a bit. I’m getting married next weekend, and leading up to that I will almost certainly not have time to tell you all about the news you failed to read. That’s too bad, because I was really looking forward to coming up with fresh soccer jokes. Maybe someone will cover for me next week, maybe they won’t. If you were busy winning a lawsuit for the use of your song in a commercial this week, odds are you missed it.

Germany has lost its mind for soccer
If you’re reading this, there’s a solid chance you’re an American, and thus, aren’t really familiar with the World Cup traditions. Apparently, national teams usually have a slogan and ad campaign going into the tourney to get their home country fired up. (The U.S. team’s slogan: “Thanks For Letting Us Play in a Game, You Guys.”) This year, Germany’s is about each player giving his heart for “the cause,” which never sounds good coming from Germans. Adidas’ campaign for Germany features players holding out hearts–actual cow hearts–as an offering. Guys, we need to keep a close eye on the Gerrys.

It’s enough to drive you to drink
Folks, are you sitting down? Good. I’ve got some bad news for you. Maybe you should pour yourself a drink first. If that drink you poured is whiskey, you’d better enjoy it, because there’s a national whiskey shortage right now. According to the Distilled Spirits Council, whiskey consumption has grown in the U.S., and distilleries are having trouble keeping up with demand. Best of luck to you all in surviving the upcoming riots.

#topsecret
This week, the CIA joined Twitter and tweeted out its first tweet. Now it will be a lot easier to tell if spies are following you.

You Missed It: Ugly Canadian edition

Acquitted, bitches.
Acquitted, bitches.

It really sucks right now to be a sports fan. There’s no football to look forward to, and the Olympics aren’t here yet. Meanwhile, it’s cold and no one wants to go outside. There’s hockey and golf, but let’s be honest, in terms of popularity in the U.S., those rank just above lacrosse and soccer. In other words, if you’re watching them, you’re either a fanatic or a foreigner. Just one more week. If you were busy getting indicted for accepting bribes this week, odds are you missed it.

In case you’re not sick of this story already
This week, Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans.

Guy known for his mouth is handed a microphone
Richard Sherman also had tongues wagging this week. After his team defeated the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday, the Seattle Seahawks corner did a 30-second interview with Erin Andrews where he boasted about his abilities. People said he was rude, they said racist things, then others said the racists were racists, and anyone who didn’t like the interview was a racist, too. In other words, we really just didn’t have a lot to talk about this week.

Women, control your libidos around the GOP
Women don’t want to be told what to do, right guys? Like they want to be told they can do whatever the men do and not be held down because they are the weaker gender, amiright? That’s essentially what former Arkansas Gov. Mick Huckabee said before the Republican National Committee this week, probably because there were no women in the room. He said, and this is true, that Democrats try to oppress women by telling them they just can’t control “their libido or their reproductive system without the help of the government.” I guess if you’re a heartthrob like Huckabee, all you see are women who can’t control their libido.