The McBournie Minute: George Washington and muscle cars

This country has enemies–there’s no secret about that. But there is one enemy America has had as long as it has existed. I am speaking of course, about England.

Sure, we are now great allies and enjoy a special diplomatic relationship with our former mother country, but just like with a great friendship, everyone has their spats. For most of the world, it’s easy to hate the English, because they have colonized, waged war against, or simply subjugated for centuries.

So when the U.S. soccer team played England on Saturday, I, like so many other Americans, watched my first soccer game, and pretended I was excited about it. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: George Washington and muscle cars

We’ll be seeing more of these in the next month

Do you have World Cup fever yet, America? If you don’t, here’s how we suggest you catch it: pass out drunk in a strange city on a cold night.

That’s exactly what an Australian backpacker did in Johannesburg, South Africa, better known as the city in District 9. The man was woken up by a local politician–because he was passed out in his driveway. The “football” fanatic thought he was in Cape Town, which is about 900 miles from Jo-burg.

Looks like he’s got some more backpacking to do.

Sport of the Week: Soccer

In the U.S., soccer is largely ignored–because it’s boring as hell and we have more important things to be doing. But the rest of the world is not as important, and lead duller lives overall. However, it might be time to give soccer a second look.

The “World Cup” will be played in South Africa sometime in the near future, so we are lead to believe. That’s not important. What is important is that South African leaders want to bless the stadiums that will host the alleged sport. And when you bless something, you might as well do it right. They want to slaughter animals.

This is brilliant. Not only would they be able to show the world that animal existence will not be tolerated, but it can spread the message that we all need to do our part as soldiers in this war.

What?! That’s only one per hour!

It’s been a while since we’ve had a story out of Australia. Welcome back, mates.

Sports fans can be rather rowdy. In Europe, they don’t serve alcohol at soccer games, in the U.S., they stop serving beer after the seventh inning. In Australia, they limit the amount of drinks you can have, especially at the ever-popular Barthurst 1000, where fans will be required to scale back their drinking to only 24 beers in a day.

We don’t want race fans getting tipsy, now do we?

Another America?

OK, so we’ve been quiet about President Obama’s plan to bring the 2016 (that’s pronounced “twenty-sixteen”) Olympics to Chicago, Illinois. We didn’t want to jinx it, and to be honest, Chicago’s not very good at shaking off curses.

But despite our tight-lipped efforts, Rio de Janeiro stole them from us!

We don’t blame the International Olympics Committee because we believe they were deliberately confused by that Portuguese-speaking, Amazon-bearing, cancer-curing anaconda pit that Brazilians call a country.

Knowing that the IOC wanted to give the Olympics to an American city, Rio presented themselves this way:

  • They’re also in “America.” Yes, just like how Richmond is the incest capital of West Virginia, right?
  • They hold an annual Carnival that celebrates nudity, transsexuals and bead-based economies. Yeah, we named that Mardi Gras when we invented it!
  • They even claim to be world champion football players. Really? Which Manning’s on your team?

You know what? We don’t even care about the Olympics anymore. You can have them, Rio.

(Hey, IOC! Did you hear Brazil’s trying to build nuclear weapons?)

You Missed It: Calling it quits edition

You missed You Missed It, and You Missed It missed you, too. I hope all of you American readers out there enjoyed the day off. As for the international readers, well, too bad for you. If you were busy emerging out of Chapter 11 this week, odds are you missed it.

Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell is a hockey mom, too
We were off on Friday, as was the rest of the country. Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin knew it, too. That’s why she made the “gotcha media” show up in her back yard for a rambling announcement that she is stepping down from her post for the last 16 months of her term. Palin will step down at the end of the month to get back to her roots–feeling victimized and retooling her condescension.

Not an Olympic year
Real American Hero Lance Armstrong finished third in the seventh leg of the Tour de France, which is Spanish for “Tour of France on a bicycle.” Armstrong, whose blood is in fact red, white and blue, is chasing his 8th title in the month-long race. Meanwhile, Michael Phelps set a record in the butterfly event, and Honduras just won some international soccer tournament. There, I just saved you hours watching sports you don’t care about.

This was intentionally placed last
Insane Passionate fans bade farewell to the King of Pop in Los Angeles earlier this week. In a massive ceremony, Jackson’s family urged for money, as the spectacle they created cost the bankrupt city $1.4 million. Don’t worry, Joe Jackson will be putting Jacko’s kids on tour in no time. They’ll work if they don’t want to be hit, right, Joe?

Take it from Snee: I will be safe again

For eight years–eight years–I believed we had created a safer United States, a bomb-free and non-terrorized America.  I thought that, by taking my shoes off at airports and picketing Muslim schools, we were safe.

All of that was thrown out the window this morning thanks to CNN and Bryan Schools (but mostly Bryan Schools). Now I’m terrified, which is terrorism. (Bryan Schools is a terrorist.)

If 10 U.S. government agents could sneak bombs into U.S. government buildings past other U.S. government employees, then every step the U.S. government has taken to protect me was all a lie. I’m not safe, nor was I ever.

But, I’m going to change that, you Take it from Snee. Continue reading Take it from Snee: I will be safe again

You Missed It: Comes in threes edition

Listen folks, I’ll be honest with you. I just want to get the hell out of here. See, I’ve got a bender coming up and we all know some things just take priority over the trivial things, like work, in this crazy thing we call life. This may help you the pass time, I’m doing my best to figure out other forms of time travel. If you were busy starring in a loud movie with good and bad alien robots this week, odds are you missed it.

The King of Pop is dead, long live the King of Pop
Did you hear? Acquitted child molester and singer Michael Jackson died yesterday of what could be a heart attack. The Internet almost crashed right along with him, as many news sites reported service outages. Jackson’s death marked the third celebrity death this week. Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon preceded him. McMahon got a pretty good showing of attention, but Fawcett, famous for have blonde hair and nipples, got the shaft since she died a few hours before Jackson. Also, Walter Cronkite’s children are stubbornly insisting their father still lives.

Marriage is an important issue to GOP, fidelity not so much
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford went AWOL this week following what was a rough session of the state legislature or something. In a Waldo-esque adventure, Sanford ditched his security detail, no one on his staff or even his wife knew where he was for days. It was then reported he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail (during naked hiking day no less). Then he turned up at a Georgia airport, returning from Argentina, where his mistress lives. Great, now we’re even exporting jobs in our nation’s sport f&%#ing industry?

United States: Leader in foot-croquet
In international news, soccer, which I am told is a sport, has been the focus of the world with the FIFA Confederations Cup tournament. In nothing short of a miracle, the U.S. team has advanced after upsetting Egypt and Spain, they now go on to face Brazil in the final round. What’s the reason behind the Americans’ success thus far? Extensive experience in winning engagements with Confederates.

The McBournie Minute: When do I get to riot?

Pittsburgh and Los Angeles had a heck of a weekend, as I understand it. I didn’t watch either game, mostly because I don’t care about any of the teams, but I know how they turned out. Kobe Bryant has a non-Shaq-related ring, and Bing Sidney Crosby gets to carry around a big silvery cup for a day.

I’m not here to talk about the sports, I’m not even here to talk about why I don’t care about who won and who lost. No, I am here to ask–why not my city? When will I get a chance to burn a police car?

This has been a recurring theme in my life. I never end up living in the city of a championship team, and when one of my teams does win the championship of whatever sport it is they play, everyone heads downtown to climb a few lamp posts and smash some windows. Meanwhile, I’m hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: When do I get to riot?