Study: Millennials are killing sex, too

At least once a day you see an article written by some old person blaming Millennials for ruining society, as if they are making conscious decisions to murder book stores or malls and they alone are able to kill off these things. Looks like we’re probably not going to be having sex anymore, either, because Millennials are killing that, too. Thanks a lot, whatever generation is old enough to work but not yet have power.

According to a study of 16,000 people born in 1989 and 1990, who have been tracked since the age of 14, one in eight 26-year-olds is still a virgin. Researchers say it’s a response to the hypersexualized society they have grown up in, and the fear of their performance being ridiculed on social media.

But the real reason is that Millennials hate everything that is good, like record shops, smoking and napkins. This is what happens when you hand out participation trophies.

Change someone’s life today

I sure could use a drink right now. Why’s that, you ask? I can tell you one thing, it’s not my fault, it’s yours.

According to a new study, people are heavily influenced by their friends’ amount of drinking. In a recent study, people were about 50% more likely to be “heavy” drinkers if their friends were, 36% more likely if their friends knew someone who was heavy drinker. The same effect was found when people, for some reason, chose to drink less or quit drinking altogether.

It should be noted that “heavy” drinkers in this study were men who drank more than two drinks a day, and women more than one. How lame is that?

The question remains now: are you the inspiration for others to drink, or just following the crowd?

Revolver Door: Repeat-offender firearms

It appears the Pentagon shooting could have been prevented.

According to law enforcement officials, the officers were shot by guns with a previous criminal history. Unfortunately, thanks to Tennessee and other states’ lax gun laws, the handguns were back out on the street, waiting to be bought legally by some guy, who would carry them so they could commit another crime.

The answer is simple, people. Once a gun has committed a violent crime, they have chosen to become enemies of the society we’ve worked to hard to make (by shooting the Native Americans that were in our way).

We’re not saying that all guns are bad–just the ones that go bad. So please, when you are about to bring a new gun into your home, make sure to give it a thorough background check before exposing it to your family.

Your parents don’t love you


This week’s issue of the Proceedings of the National Academy of Science, scientists will reveal a study with which they determine your jeans do influence your popularity.

There’s no word, yet, as to which brands improve social standing, but this blog wears only Old Navy brand blue jeans. (Get Up & Go … to your local Old Navy store for great deals on fashionable clothes for the whole family!) We’re pretty sure scientists will corroborate our own research that skinny jeans are merely a passing fad, while boot cut relaxed fits will get you laid every time.

So, if you’re positive your parents refuse to buy you designer jeans because they’re jealous of your hair and secretly hate you: you’re absolutely right … and probably adopted.

When society crumbles, blame Facebook

This is an emergency SeriouslyGuys Bulletin.  Please drop whatever you are doing (picking your belly-button lint) and pay close attention.  Your life may depend on this news.

SeriouslyGuys has just discovered from CNN that college students are revealing their relationship statuses on Facebook, an open online forum that anyone can access.  Users can list themselves as “single,” “in a relationship with,” “engaged to,” “married to” or even “it’s complicated with.” 

The last option, “it’s complicated,” is the most alarming because it encourages uncommitted relationships with multiple people.  We all know that polygamy, homosexuality and beastiality are destroying society, and it’s not fair that college students are allowed to do that.

It’s a mystery how this Facebook feature, which has been part of the social network since it launched, has escaped CNN’s notice for so long.  What’s next?  Creating cults about pasta that users can join?  Fortunately, it’s never too late to talk to your kids about the perils of moral ambivilance on the Internet.