Only in Philly is cheap beer considered a problem

Philadelphia as a city peaked 241 years ago, when a bunch of out-of-towners showed up and signed their names on a piece of paper that sits in another city. Now the cheese steak-eating dumpster swimmers who live there have another thing to complain about: soda prices.

The city’s tax on soda is so high that beer actually costs less than soda, according to a study by the Tax Foundation, which you can guess by the name thinks that taxes in general are bad. The foundation bemoans that people are going to drive outside of the city limits so that they can escape this tyrannical tax on sugar water.

This study has an obvious flaw: it assumes that inexpensive beer is a problem. We’re smack dab in the middle of a craft beer revolution, not to mention a decades-long decline in soda consumption. Complaining about a soda tax is like complaining about rock music — no one cares about it anymore, we moved on. As long as the beer prices are down, it will truly always be sunny in Philadelphia.

Editor’s note: The only reason to drink soda is when it’s a mixer.

Michigan fish doing the Dew after soda spill

We take our water for granted. At best, we assume it will the bland, colorless, tasteless liquid that is somehow acceptable to both drink and bathe in. But what if we could make it more awesome?

In Livingston County, Michigan, local waterways are now heavily caffeinated after a massive spill of Mountain Dew syrup at a bottling plant. A tank holding the syrup, which is added to fizzy water to make soda, burst, allowing 7,200 gallons of it to make it down the drain and into a retention pond. Because the syrup mixed with water, it is now technically Mountain Dew.

Look out, Flint. Your water supply is about to become EXTREME.

Children discover hard sodas, which were clearly meant for them

Soda sales have been falling for years, as Americans slowly realize that sugar water really isn’t that good for us, after all. Fortunately, the recent craze in hard sodas is there to pick up the slack. And now, even the kids are getting in on it.

It shouldn’t be a surprise that alcoholic drinks that taste like root beer, ginger ale, orange soda and others are catching on with young people. Every generation gets the Boone’s Farm it deserves. But at an Applebee’s in Tennessee, three kids under the age of 12 were served hard root beer. The kids ordered root beer, and their father soon noticed they were served Not Your Father’s Root Beer (the title was literal in this case), and complained.

The kids implored their father to be cool about it, and said they just like to party every now and then.

The McBournie Minute: Drinking the cola

Late last week, a blog post about drinking soda went viral. I don’t know how Facebook curates its tending news stories list, but for some reason, the site thought I’d be interested in reading about it. Normally, I avoid blog posts about nutrition, weight loss and stuff like that, because they’re all written by kooks with clear agendas. There’s no reason to believe unsupported health claims made by someone writing for something like Vegan Heroes Against GMO than if they were writing about how Obama is the devil for Libertarian Tea Party Bald Eagles United.

But typically stories like that are posted by the friends you avoid having conversations with for good reason. This one was in that Facebook news feed thing, which doesn’t mean it’s more credible, but it at least means a lot of people are reading it, so I decided to check it out.

Hoo boy, was it informative. Let’s break this one down. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Drinking the cola

It’s amazing the favors you can get at low prices

On Friday morning, Tony Kornheiser sarcastically alluded that the French dream was to go into prostitution and save up the money for a beauty parlor. If this humorous joke is true, then the French johns are going about it all the wrong way. Currency? Legal tender? That’s for chumps. They need to follow John Johnson Jr.’s example and instead pay for lovin’ with candy.

No, really.

Johnson, a jail nurse, is being accused of assaulting seven female inmates. How did he keep them quiet? He used the same items that women have fallen for ever since the beginning of time-candy and soda.

We can only assume that the incredibly low standards of the inmates eventually rose up when he mistakenly approached a livabetic diabetic prisoner about a deal.