Food so good it’ll make you eat a can

Yes, yes, yes, we are more than aware of the controversy regarding horse meat that’s gone global. But trust us on this, entitled Americans and Europeans: it could be worse. It could be so much worse.

It could be water buffalo meat, donkey meat and goat meat. According to professors at Stellenbosch University, meat from all three categories was found in South African ground beef, sausages and burgers. Yum.

The specific section of the donkey where meat from it was taken not identified, but we’ll guess that it came from the butt. Yes, that means ass ass meat was found in the food. Mmmm-mmmm.

Snakes in a Parcel

With Halloween here, the holiday season has officially begun. Soon enough, packages will arrive at your door, and they can only be filled with presents and steaks of the month, right?

That’s what postal workers in South Africa thought as they opened a mail bag. But, then a white python slithered out. Four snakes in all were found inside the bag from a single parcel. Say what you will about the animal menace, but at least they know how to save on postage by shipping themselves in bulk.

Enjoy checking your mail today, and Happy Halloween!


South Africa: Kind of dicks with their elephants

A zoo in Germany has successfully inseminated an elephant with frozen sperm, providing a means to keep biodiversity up in enclosed, protective environments. It’s essential because both African and Asian elephants are endangered due to poaching and destruction of their habitats. If only there was some place with an abundance of elephants so that zookeepers wouldn’t have to go to this trouble. If only …

Oh, and South Africa has started giving their elephants birth control because they have too many of them. The biggest problem is that they keep their elephants fenced in preserves, so they can’t relieve their numbers through normal means like, oh, we don’t know, migrating?

“‘Because we have taken away opportunities, they don’t have the chance to remedy the overpopulation naturally as they would through migration,’ said Audrey Delsink Kettles, an elephant ecologist who has been leading studies for years on contraception at Makalali Private Game Reserve” rather than put two and two together by reading two articles in the same damn newspaper today.

Look, scientists. The Guys aren’t trying to tell you how to do your jobs, but maybe it’s time to stop taking your cues from a cartoon coyote? He probably doesn’t have the elephants’ best interests at heart, and what’s he gonna do with them once he catches them?

Hide your porn stars and waitresses!

This is a breaking emergency bulletin for all of our readers in South Africa!

*** Tiger on the loose in South African neighborhood! ***

Residents of the Delmas district of South Africa, 40 miles east of Johannesburg, have spotted a Tiger on the loose.

Although Tiger has been raised by humans his entire life and is considered tame, he should not be approached. Blondes–especially those with fake breasts–should be kept indoors and away from windows until Tiger is safely back in his truck.

Do not attempt to offer Tiger any corporate sponsorships as you’ll end up spending more on bizarre apology ads later.

SeriouslyGuys will update with further bulletins until we can confirm that this potential PR crisis is over.

Animals become endangerous

Just when we think we’re reaching a stable point in the War on Animals, nature finds a way to change the entire game. They’re now using our own government–in this case, the U.S. fish and Wildlife Service–as a human shield.

Knowing our hesitance to open fire on endangered species, the animals are now recruiting whales and bison to conduct suicide bombings around the world. The bastards!

You know what this means, warriors: we need the Japanese.

This won’t be abused at all

Besides testing out a version of football that doesn’t allow the use of hands, the 2010 World Cup is also an experiment for a new anti-rape condom.

Rape-aXe is the brainchild of South African Dr. Sonnet Ehlers. It is a latex condom worn inside the vagina that is lined with “teeth-like hooks” that latch onto a rapist’s penis. Any attempts to remove the device by hand will cause it to constrict tighter, but will not break the skin.

Rape may never be funny, but the prank potential of anti-rape devices is hilarious. Like, say you find somebody’s Fleshlight or Real Doll.

We’ll be seeing more of these in the next month

Do you have World Cup fever yet, America? If you don’t, here’s how we suggest you catch it: pass out drunk in a strange city on a cold night.

That’s exactly what an Australian backpacker did in Johannesburg, South Africa, better known as the city in District 9. The man was woken up by a local politician–because he was passed out in his driveway. The “football” fanatic thought he was in Cape Town, which is about 900 miles from Jo-burg.

Looks like he’s got some more backpacking to do.

Schadenfreude: The taste you know

In an uncertain world, we rely on the few certain things in our lives or–more importantly–the lives of others to make everything make sense. It’s what wakes us up in the morning, ready to face whatever uncertainties the world will throw at us.

There, that should be enough Schadenfreude to get you to five o’clock. It’s the taste you know you love, especially after pouring it in Jesse James’ rehabed lap.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

What’s more presidential than making new citizens?

Proving that the U.S. isn’t the only country with an oppositional party that overcompensates with moral outrage, the South African party, Congress for the People,  is asking for President Jacob Zuma’s resignation.

Zuma, who already has 3 wives and 20 children, fathered another one out of wedlock. That’s right: it wasn’t even with one of his three wives! What ever happened to marital fidelity?!

(Of course, were this a French African country, his wives would probably accept his mistress.)

Critics are citing the statistic that “one in nine South Africans is infected with HIV.” They argue that Zuma’s out of wedlock child sets a bad example.

We’re not saying that South Africa has a … shoddy understanding of AIDS, but not only do they seem to believe that simply more South Africans equals more AIDS, but Zuma himself said, for a separate sex charge, that “he took a shower after the act to minimize the chance of infection” after (allegedly consensual) sex with an HIV-positive family friend.

Stop that bare-assed thief!

It’s December, which means for the northern hemisphere, it’s pretty much winter. Does that mean the animals are taking the winter off? Hell no. They’re just letting their allies to the south take over.

In South Africa, baboons are shaking down innocent drivers as they pass. They have learned to open car doors and can easily hop through an open window, allowing them to comb the car for food, demand money, assault women, whatever. Recently, a troupe of 29 of the terrible monkeys conducted an assault on a line of cars.

They’re getting smarter, and they have a better idea of where the picanic baskets are. If you’re heading to South Africa for some sightseeing, remember to bring an elephant gun.