Sport of the Week: Soccer

In the U.S., soccer is largely ignored–because it’s boring as hell and we have more important things to be doing. But the rest of the world is not as important, and lead duller lives overall. However, it might be time to give soccer a second look.

The “World Cup” will be played in South Africa sometime in the near future, so we are lead to believe. That’s not important. What is important is that South African leaders want to bless the stadiums that will host the alleged sport. And when you bless something, you might as well do it right. They want to slaughter animals.

This is brilliant. Not only would they be able to show the world that animal existence will not be tolerated, but it can spread the message that we all need to do our part as soldiers in this war.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘District 9’

The poison that permeates the District 9 is the same toxin that has defined so much of human history: The oppression of the Other. In this case, that means scaly aliens with feelers for faces who are confined to South African-style “townships,” and who, in director-writer Neill Blomkamp’s allegorical thrill ride, represent every tyrannized population since the institution of the pogrom. A sci-fi fueled indictment of man’s inhumanity to man, and the non-human, District 9 is all horribly familiar, and transfixing. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘District 9’

The world as ‘Scooby Doo’

Caster Semenya won the gold on Wednesday in the 800-meter race at the world championship in Berlin, Germany. The South African received her medal … and an official request for a gender test.

Yes, in the same sense that the world believes only an underage Chinese gymnast could win the Olympics or a muslim Kenyan could win the presidency, we now believe that only a South African male could possibly defeat our lady runners.

Look, we can’t yank every face off, hoping it was Old Man Jenkins the whole time and–therefore–doesn’t count. Sometimes we’re gonna lose.

Wabbit season has been extended

Animals. It seems as if not one day goes by where we’re not having to deal with our age old enemies in this eons long war. What lengths will they not go to? Legal battles? Zombies? Suicide attacks? Well, now they’re attempting yet a new focus in the war: they’re combining one war with another. Yes, they’ve now engaged in the war on education. How so?

Recently, a museum (you know, the things that are very good at educating the masses covertly) had to be closed after it was invaded. By rabbits. As in, the furry little things that go hop-hop-hop-copulate-hop-hop-hop-copulate-copulate-copulate-hop. In fact, the invasion was so bad that they museum will have to be closed from now until November 16. That’s a long time to put a stop to education, people!

“The current population is so large that it threatens to permanently damage the island’s sensitive vegetation, and poses a serious threat to other fauna species,”

No sense of respect. No sense of decency. They probably fornicated in the lobby. Have you no shame, animals?

But won’t somebody think of the children?

Recognizing that legal prostitution makes sex workers safer from violence, rape and STDs, South Africa has decided to lift the ban on the sex industry in their country … but only for one month, during the 2010 World Cup. Don’t worry, after all the hooligans tourists are gone they’ll go right back to making it dangerous and illegal. They do have their customer’s to think about, after all. I’m sure that there are many players happy about this as well.

Hiring practices and the strong side of the pimp’s hand

A prostitute in South Africa is suing her former employer for unfair dismissal—even though the job she was fired from is actually illegal (a minor detail). Remember people, it’s hard out there for a pimp when you have to deal with the labor relations board too. Though honestly, you would think that a part of the article,

“She then filed a case at the CCMA, which dismissed it on the grounds that it could not deal with an unfair dismissal claim by a sex worker because prostitution was illegal.”

might be a factor in the case, what with the whole “illegality” thing her profession has going for it (to reiterate a point).