The eclipse is going to mess with animals

Take this weekend to prepare for the animal uprising. You will thank us later.

The solar eclipse that’s going to streak across the U.S. from Oregon to South Carolina on Monday is going to be quite a spectacle, but it may also be the sign for the animals to unite and attack us. Experts warn that the sun being blotted out by the moon could mess up some animals. From your pets to wild animals, especially ones that only come out at night, will probably start acting strange because it’s suddenly not day for a bit. Llamas line up, dolphins hang out on the ocean surface, dogs and cats living together — mass hysteria!

Because of this, it seems pretty likely that animals across the continent will take the eclipse as a sign to begin the revolution. Arm yourselves.

S.C. police department goes soft on Bigfoot

Earlier this week, there was a reported sighting of Bigfoot in North Carolina. Normally that would be enough to warrant a post here at SG, but we’re taking you one deeper.

After the sighting was reported by the group Bigfoot 911, which sounds like a show were Bigfoot becomes an EMT, the Carolinas were on high alert for the mythical monster. However, the Greenville, S.C. Police Department went the other way upon hearing the news. The department issued a stern warning to its citizens not to shoot the beast on sight. Worst of all, they denied this huge ape that poses a threat to decent people everywhere even exists, and suggested that they would risk hurting or killing someone in a gorilla suit.

Greenville PD, you’re supposed to protect your citizens, and that means scaring the bejesus out of them about the threat posed by Bigfoot.

Eclipse watchers loading up on booze, weed

There’s a solar eclipse headed our way next month. It’s going to cut across the U.S. from Oregon to South Carolina. And like a full moon, it’s driving people crazy.

People are buying up hotel rooms and any other lodging accommodations they can to be in the path of the Aug. 21 solar eclipse. But they don’t want to just see it happen, the want to get loaded for it, too. In Oregon, locals are bracing for a rush of people coming to their area, and stores selling alcohol and marijuana are stocking up to meet their every need. The state liquor board predicts an 20 to 40% increase in sales, and some marijuana shops expect their sales to at least double.

So when the eclipse comes, it won’t just be the sun that’s blacked out.

Apparently teachers aren’t allowed to drink in class

Teaching is hard work. Just ask any teacher, they will be happy to tell you about how underappreciated they are, and why they should be making more money. These people really enjoy their lives. And it’s because teaching is so hard that they should be able to drink on the job. But we don’t live in a just world.

In South Carolina, a substitute teacher was arrested for drinking in front of high school students in class. According to authorities, the woman had a box of wine in her purse, which is saying something about the size of her purse.

Now, the spoilsports will point to the fact that the substitute teacher drank so much that she was throwing up, and had to be removed from class in a wheelchair because she was unable to walk, but we would argue otherwise. What better way to keep the youth of America from drinking than by getting wasted in front of them and puking in class. If teachers aren’t cool, then everything they do isn’t cool, including getting blitzed.

Orange alligator signals apocalypse in South Carolina

Joining Vermont, South Carolina is a state reeling from reports of a new danger. People there are used to seeing alligators, but they are used to seeing them come in one color. Now there’s an orange gator on the loose.

Locals reported seeing an orange gator in a retention pond recently, and authorities are stumped. They know it’s not an albino, because it’s an adult gator and this is the first time anyone has reported it. After that, it’s just guesswork. The real problem is that the gator blends in with the color of the South Carolina clay, which means it’s even hard to see it before it strikes.

They’re calling it the Trumpagator. Be afraid.

Pig burns down cop’s home

The danger posed by animals is real, folks. It’s very, very real. We cannot caution you enough against trusting animals that you call pets, because no matter how much you love them, they want to destroy your life, including burning down your house.

In South Carolina, a sheriff’s deputy is now homeless because one of her animals torched her home when she was gone. The theory is that the deputy’s pig knocked over a heat lamp in an animal pen, setting a fire that spread to the house.

The pig survived the incident and has not been charged, but we believe it should go towards replenishing the nation’s pork belly supplies.

Beer the secret to longevity, 103-year-old says

If you want to live forever, drink beer — at least that’s what a 103-year-old woman says.

Mildred Bowers, 103, of South Carolina, has seen a lot in her day. (Some of those things are everyone she’s loved dying before her, but you know, there’s a trade-off to immortality.) And in her wizened state, she said having a beer every day has been a major reason why she has lived so long. It’s not scientific, but it’s good enough.

She also never had kids, so keep that one in mind, too.

The McBournie Minute: Primary season isn’t real

Today is election day in Canada. Our friends are going to the polls today to decide who is going to run their country. But who cares about Canada? We’re just 13 months away from the U.S. presidential election, so let’s focus on that instead.

If your Facebook feed is any indication, it’s primary season, and that’s super important. We as Americans get the rare treat of directly choosing who will head the executive branch of our federal government for a period of four years. On top of that, the current guy isn’t eligible for another term, which means that both parties are trying to figure out who to run. It’s double the excitement, and it’s doubly important we get involved in the process. After all, our country’s future is at stake.

Except it really isn’t important right now. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Primary season isn’t real

You Missed It: Equal love edition

Hey look, something not terrible happened!
Hey look, something not terrible happened!

Being cool is a lot harder today than it was a decade ago, thanks to the progress of the internet. Ten years ago, the things we watched we on TV, and the music we listened to was on the radio. It was mostly how we learned about what the new cool thing was. Today, there are so many things to watch in so many different places online, and there’s so much music available to stream for free, you’re probably going to miss a lot of it. And now, James Taylor has the No. 1 album in the U.S. James Taylor. I no longer understand what’s cool. If you were busy selling your soul for success this week, odds are you missed it.

Love wins in split decision
This week, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples have a Constitutional right to marry. The 5-4 decision immediately made gay marriage legal in all 50 states. So if you see people nervously looking at the sky, it’s just homophobes waiting for God’s wrath to strike America.

Flags of dishonor
Following the murder of nine African-Americans by a white supremacist last week, the South Carolina legislature said it would consider removing the Confederate battle flag known as the Southern Cross from capital grounds, after state leaders called for the move. Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley ordered the flag to be taken down from the state capitol. For those of you keeping score at home, it only takes the U.S. 150 years to fix important societal problems. So watch out, crazed, angry people: you’ve only got until 2165 to buy guns.

Señorita Los Estados Unidos
Following Donal Trump’s slurs against Mexicans in his rambling announcement that he was running for president, Univision said it wouldn’t air the Trump-owned Miss USA pageant. In response, Trump has banned all Univsion employees from playing at his golf course in Miami–you know, like a president would do.

Abnormal animal-watch 2015 has already begun

Animals! We are at war with them and as such, it is of the utmost importance to monitor their more … aberrant warriors. But don’t worry! Most of the time, we take care of the problem.

Like in Boise, Idaho! A fisherman was able to catch an unusually fat rainbow trout. Unfortunately, the simpleton proceeded to release the animal back into the wild. We’re unsure if the animal was simply large or with spawn due to his mistake, but I’m sure a proper punishment will be sent.

That said, in Spartansburg, South Carolina, a farmer has preserved a two-headed calf. The farmer is claiming he’s keeping it due to its rarity, but while some might make the claim that such an action is more than a little morbid, we support all trophies to keep our enemies in line.