(Actual) clown running for Congress

With politics the way they are these days, it’s hard to imagine things getting more ridiculous. But voters in South Carolina could have a chance to send a real clown to Washington, D.C.

Steve Lough is a former clown with Ringling Brothers. But apparently he’s hanging up his big floppy shoes and ready to represent the people of South Carolina’s fifth district. He’s running as a Democrat, and seeking his party’s nomination for this fall’s election. Lough said one of his main issues is preventing mass shootings from happening again.

So, he’s a sad clown.

It’s legal to dress like a T. rex, court rules

There’s a lot of bad news out there lately, and not just that pretty much every famous guy is a sex monster. But it’s in these dark times that the light of good news shines even brighter. That’s why we’re happy to report that you can scare horses by wearing a dinosaur costume and the law won’t stop you.

Last summer, a woman in Charleston, South Carolina was accused of dressing up in a T. rex costume and scaring some horses pulling a carriage carrying 16 tourists. The incident caused the driver to fall from the carriage and break his foot, however, none of the tourists were hurt.

City prosecutors this week dropped the charges against the woman, effectively conceding that it is A-OK to dress up like a dinosaur and scare animals. Use this knowledge wisely.

He (may have) stole the cookies from the cookie jar!

And by “cookie jar,” we still mean “large and unmarked warehouse.”

Remember that grand theft of the Girl Scout cookies? You know, the one that was only fifty percent worth it because half of the contents stolen were of the Shortbread variety (yum) and the other half were of the Thin Mint variety (ugh)?

Surprise, surprise: it was an inside job. Well, “inside job” meaning from within the warehouse, not from within the Girl Scouts. Christopher Morton, accused of the theft, has not said why he allegedly decided to steal almost $19,000 worth of cookies, including his horrible choice to grab $9,500 worth of Thin Mints.

Courtesy is the most sincere form of disrespect

For all you lovers of the ladies, please note: if your significant other asks an employee for hot food, and the employee states that cold food will not be served to her, maybe, just maybe, the employee is actually giving her proper customer service and not disrespect.

Also note: bashing a fast food employee over the head with a food tray is not a good way to get a refund.

Booze the vote

Today, you can do many things with your vote. As an informed, 18 year old or older, voting citizen, you have more power in your hand than you know. There is so very much you can do with your vote.

But if you’re in South Carolina or Kentucky, what you can’t do is vote and drink.

Do you live in either state? Are you thinking of visiting either state sometime today? We hope you got that booze yesterday. Both states have outlawed the selling (but not necessarily the consumption) of alcohol on Election Day, whether by restaurant or liquor stores.

Meanwhile, DISCUS, the Distilled Spirits Council of the United States (which I much prefer over calling them DISCUS), isn’t too keen on such laws. We feel the same way. Nothing eases voting in the losing guy or celebrating the right vote like a shot of the spirits.

Welcome to the plummet of our nation

Maybe we’re not so great. Okay, the Guys are, but some states in the US may not quite be so. The latest contenders?

  • Kentucky: Where teenagers are intelligent enough to think that taking a photo of yourself stealing gas from a cop car and then posting said photo on Facebook completely nullifies the crime. SPOILERS: It doesn’t.

Go ahead and make your choice. We’ll be sitting here in the corner simpering for the future.

It’s an exchange in the loosest term of the word

Let your alcohol-enjoying taste buds fear tyranny at the gas pump no longer! Beer-anny, as we like to call it, for the longest time, was relegated to forcing a person to drink down the worst swill possible: Icehouse, Bud-anything, Colt 45, King Cobra, Coors, MGD and so forth. At some locations, you might be lucky enough to score a Sam Adam’s sixer, but hope is little and far away. But no more if the gas station you frequent is of the Sunoco brand!

Sunoco has so far piloted its Craft Beer Exchange program at 12 locations and to much success! The program allows customers access to 64-oz. growlers or 6-packs of 12-oz. bottles that can be filled with craft-brew brands like Allagash, Abita, Dogfish Head, and Victory. In other words, beer that actually tastes good. This program will now be tested out in South Carolina and hopefully into other locations!

May your gas tank be full and your mouth be overflowing with tasty beverages! Just not necessarily at the same time.

The South rises! The South rises!

Oh, god! They warned us! They warned us over and over again on countless bumper stickers and XXXL t-shirts, but we didn’t listen!

Ladies and gentlemen, the South has a-risen a-again. In the wee early morning hours today, they began an assault on Ft. Sumter, on the exact day that there happened to be federal troops inside instead of its usual park ranger contingent. There’s no doubt in our minds that this was deliberate.

And now that they’ve sprung up again, let’s take a longer pause than we did in 1861 and consider: should we fight to keep them this time?

You Missed It: I’ve got a wooden stake edition

We are now less than a week away from Thanksgiving, and that means that you probably don’t care about us. You’re more focused on the feast ahead. We hear you. That’s why The Guys will be off until November 30. It’s better this way, there probably won’t be much going on in the news next week, anyway. If you were busy setting a record for longest-serving member of Congress, odds are you missed it.

Nosferatu = sexy
New Moon is out in theaters now, much to the delight of tween girls and cougars alike. The movie features that non-vampire chick with the cute vampire dude defending her from werewolves, and takes place during the day for some reason. (I missed most of the trailer.) So teenage girls are now into pasty guys who don’t get out much? Man, I graduated from high school a decade too early.

Straying from ideals? We don’t take kindly to that in the GOP
Lawmakers in South Carolina are looking into impeachment of Gov. Mark Sanford. For those of you who don’t remember, he’s the guy who went missing on the job and exported a mistress job to Argentina. The reason for the possible impeachment, dereliction of duty, making his staff lie about where he was, and crying during his apology.

Obamacare’s pubic option
This week changes to breast cancer screening and pap test guidelines caused something of an uproar. Lady part doctors and advocacy groups said that women should continue having their hoo-has and goodies checked regularly so their ladies and their nether region don’t get sick. I don’t understand a word of that medical mumbo jumbo.