Joining Vermont, South Carolina is a state reeling from reports of a new danger. People there are used to seeing alligators, but they are used to seeing them come in one color. Now there’s an orange gator on the loose.
Locals reported seeing an orange gator in a retention pond recently, and authorities are stumped. They know it’s not an albino, because it’s an adult gator and this is the first time anyone has reported it. After that, it’s just guesswork. The real problem is that the gator blends in with the color of the South Carolina clay, which means it’s even hard to see it before it strikes.
The danger posed by animals is real, folks. It’s very, very real. We cannot caution you enough against trusting animals that you call pets, because no matter how much you love them, they want to destroy your life, including burning down your house.
In South Carolina, a sheriff’s deputy is now homeless because one of her animals torched her home when she was gone. The theory is that the deputy’s pig knocked over a heat lamp in an animal pen, setting a fire that spread to the house.
If you want to live forever, drink beer — at least that’s what a 103-year-old woman says.
Mildred Bowers, 103, of South Carolina, has seen a lot in her day. (Some of those things are everyone she’s loved dying before her, but you know, there’s a trade-off to immortality.) And in her wizened state, she said having a beer every day has been a major reason why she has lived so long. It’s not scientific, but it’s good enough.
She also never had kids, so keep that one in mind, too.
Today is election day in Canada. Our friends are going to the polls today to decide who is going to run their country. But who cares about Canada? We’re just 13 months away from the U.S. presidential election, so let’s focus on that instead.
If your Facebook feed is any indication, it’s primary season, and that’s super important. We as Americans get the rare treat of directly choosing who will head the executive branch of our federal government for a period of four years. On top of that, the current guy isn’t eligible for another term, which means that both parties are trying to figure out who to run. It’s double the excitement, and it’s doubly important we get involved in the process. After all, our country’s future is at stake.
Being cool is a lot harder today than it was a decade ago, thanks to the progress of the internet. Ten years ago, the things we watched we on TV, and the music we listened to was on the radio. It was mostly how we learned about what the new cool thing was. Today, there are so many things to watch in so many different places online, and there’s so much music available to stream for free, you’re probably going to miss a lot of it. And now, James Taylor has the No. 1 album in the U.S. James Taylor. I no longer understand what’s cool. If you were busy selling your soul for success this week, odds are you missed it.
Love wins in split decision
This week, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples have a Constitutional right to marry. The 5-4 decision immediately made gay marriage legal in all 50 states. So if you see people nervously looking at the sky, it’s just homophobes waiting for God’s wrath to strike America.
Flags of dishonor
Following the murder of nine African-Americans by a white supremacist last week, the South Carolina legislature said it would consider removing the Confederate battle flag known as the Southern Cross from capital grounds, after state leaders called for the move. Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley ordered the flag to be taken down from the state capitol. For those of you keeping score at home, it only takes the U.S. 150 years to fix important societal problems. So watch out, crazed, angry people: you’ve only got until 2165 to buy guns.
Señorita Los Estados Unidos
Following Donal Trump’s slurs against Mexicans in his rambling announcement that he was running for president, Univision said it wouldn’t air the Trump-owned Miss USA pageant. In response, Trump has banned all Univsion employees from playing at his golf course in Miami–you know, like a president would do.
Animals! We are at war with them and as such, it is of the utmost importance to monitor their more … aberrant warriors. But don’t worry! Most of the time, we take care of the problem.
Like in Boise, Idaho! A fisherman was able to catch an unusually fat rainbow trout. Unfortunately, the simpleton proceeded to release the animal back into the wild. We’re unsure if the animal was simply large or with spawn due to his mistake, but I’m sure a proper punishment will be sent.
That said, in Spartansburg, South Carolina, a farmer has preserved a two-headed calf. The farmer is claiming he’s keeping it due to its rarity, but while some might make the claim that such an action is more than a little morbid, we support all trophies to keep our enemies in line.
“We’re not some big city comp’ny,” says a suspender-wearing judge in Columbia.
“I do declare that our state has no time for such frivolities as cup and ball, much less kickball. As such, I proclaim that a worker is a worker, and if they take part in frivolities while on the company’s watch, no matter if they are or are not on the clock, they are due fair and just compensation. A man is due what his labors reward, is he not?”
The judge takes a handkerchief out of his coat, dabs at his brow then takes a sip of his iced tea. In the heat, it cools his hot disposition.
South Carolina has conquered the debate of whether an employee taking part in a company kickball game is due workers’ compensation, but still has yet to figure out indoor air-conditioning.
Over the past two decades or so, fire ants have climbed up the charts as one of the newest but most potent threats to mankind. They’re vicious, tenacious, thrive almost everywhere and don’t take no for an answer. They’re basically the Ben Roethlisberger of the animal kingdom (sorry, we had to see if Bryan Schools was awake).
But one valiant man is trying to turn the tables.
Tradd Cotter, a scientist out of Liberty, South Carolina, has begun using a specific mushroom spore that’s fatal to the red menace of the 90’s. Not only that, but consumption of the mushroom is totally safe to humans. Sooner, rather than later, Cotter expects the mushroom to be sold everywhere as a cost-effective ant-killer. Mind you, this is essentially how The Last of Us begins, but, hey, at least we get to look gruff and cool even if we haven’t showered in months.
Drones: we’re not really sure about them. Overseas, people hate them for fear they will rain down fire upon them. Here in the U.S. we’re torn between hating them, because the government could spy on us, and loving them, because one day they could bring us stuff so we never have to go outside again.
Here’s another thing they can do: smuggle stuff in to prisons. Officials at a maximum security prison in South Carolina said this week that a crashed drone was found in some bushes on the grounds. It had smokes, marijuana and cell phones. Having seen both seasons of Orange is the New Black, we can tell you that those things aren’t really allowed in prison.
That means that someone was flying the drone and its illicit cargo into the prison. This seems like a great time to introduce our new illicit cargo air transportation service, “SeriouslyDrones.”
If you can say the N-word with a mouthful of taffy — and you’re white and not Catholic or Jewish — then congratulations! You just passed the KKK entrance exam!
The South Carolina-based Loyal White Knights distributed bags of candy, each containing the phone number to their recruitment line, along with standard Fox News talking points about illegal immigration.
The Guys are beginning to suspect that nobody with good intentions ever gives out free candy.