Tag: south carolina

You Missed It: I’ve got a wooden stake edition

We are now less than a week away from Thanksgiving, and that means that you probably don’t care about us. You’re more focused on the feast ahead. We hear you. That’s why The Guys will be off until November 30. It’s better this way, there probably won’t be much going on in the news next week, anyway. If you were busy setting a record for longest-serving member of Congress, odds are you missed it.

Nosferatu = sexy
New Moon is out in theaters now, much to the delight of tween girls and cougars alike. The movie features that non-vampire chick with the cute vampire dude defending her from werewolves, and takes place during the day for some reason. (I missed most of the trailer.) So teenage girls are now into pasty guys who don’t get out much? Man, I graduated from high school a decade too early.

Straying from ideals? We don’t take kindly to that in the GOP
Lawmakers in South Carolina are looking into impeachment of Gov. Mark Sanford. For those of you who don’t remember, he’s the guy who went missing on the job and exported a mistress job to Argentina. The reason for the possible impeachment, dereliction of duty, making his staff lie about where he was, and crying during his apology.

Obamacare’s pubic option
This week changes to breast cancer screening and pap test guidelines caused something of an uproar. Lady part doctors and advocacy groups said that women should continue having their hoo-has and goodies checked regularly so their ladies and their nether region don’t get sick. I don’t understand a word of that medical mumbo jumbo.

Co-Warrior of the Week: Cammie Colin

South Carolina be a little different. There, high school cheerleaders like to hunt alligators in their spare time.

Cammie Colin, 16, is one of those. She recently caught a 10-foot, 350-pound gator. With a crossbow. In a boat. She is Buffy the gator slayer.

This is expected to help Cammie’s school spirit–if you don’t cheer when she says so, damn it, you don’t want her to get her crossbow. She is not a wench to mess with.

Representing the angry folks

"And keep your healthcare reform off my lawn!"With a single shout, U.S. Representative Joe Wilson (R-South Carolina) has become the face of what happens when a political party gets too comfortable shouting at passing cars.

Wilson could not contain himself during President Barack Obama’s speech about healthcare reform on Wednesday.

He shouted, “You lie!” after Obama promised the proposed bill would not provide health care to illegal immigrants.

Wilson stated that he “let [his] emotions get the better of [him]” because he disagrees with the President. However, several colleagues have attested that the phrase “illegal immigrant” is his rage trigger, no matter the context.

“Joe once shouted ‘Hot salami tuna roll!’ at me after I joked that E.T. was an illegal alien,” said Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.). “I thought he just really loved that little brown guy.”

Not the best comparison, dude

Since he brought the image to mind, we figured we'd share it with all of you.Surprisingly still Governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford is facing an ethics probe into his travels.

The probe has been arranged by his Republican collegues in a mens’ room to look for mis-use of state resources and unreported sponsored flights.

In part 14 of the ongoing series–Now Why the Hell Did Mark Sanford Say That On Public Record?–Sanford told The Washington Times:

“I think I now know what Sarah [Palin] may have been feeling.”

Dude, if you’re going for the sympathy card, you should probably compare yourself someone that people feel sorry for.

The institution of marriage

"Thank God I'll never have to go back to beautiful Argentina ever again."The one question on everyone’s mind after South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s return from Argentina was, “When’s the divorce?” On June 24, Gov. Sanford even said that he and his wife were “effectively separated.”

And then Jenny Sanford realized how to really punish him in the time-honored political way: they’ve been working on their marriage for the past seven weeks and will continue to do so for the forseeable future. (Read: the rest of his life.)

It may be cheaper to keep her, but not when you’re paying for counseling, gifts and trips to exotic locations to get over that Argentine Retreat.

You Missed It: Comes in threes edition

Listen folks, I’ll be honest with you. I just want to get the hell out of here. See, I’ve got a bender coming up and we all know some things just take priority over the trivial things, like work, in this crazy thing we call life. This may help you the pass time, I’m doing my best to figure out other forms of time travel. If you were busy starring in a loud movie with good and bad alien robots this week, odds are you missed it.

The King of Pop is dead, long live the King of Pop
Did you hear? Acquitted child molester and singer Michael Jackson died yesterday of what could be a heart attack. The Internet almost crashed right along with him, as many news sites reported service outages. Jackson’s death marked the third celebrity death this week. Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon preceded him. McMahon got a pretty good showing of attention, but Fawcett, famous for have blonde hair and nipples, got the shaft since she died a few hours before Jackson. Also, Walter Cronkite’s children are stubbornly insisting their father still lives.

Marriage is an important issue to GOP, fidelity not so much
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford went AWOL this week following what was a rough session of the state legislature or something. In a Waldo-esque adventure, Sanford ditched his security detail, no one on his staff or even his wife knew where he was for days. It was then reported he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail (during naked hiking day no less). Then he turned up at a Georgia airport, returning from Argentina, where his mistress lives. Great, now we’re even exporting jobs in our nation’s sport f&%#ing industry?

United States: Leader in foot-croquet
In international news, soccer, which I am told is a sport, has been the focus of the world with the FIFA Confederations Cup tournament. In nothing short of a miracle, the U.S. team has advanced after upsetting Egypt and Spain, they now go on to face Brazil in the final round. What’s the reason behind the Americans’ success thus far? Extensive experience in winning engagements with Confederates.

Don’t cry for him, Charleston

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford is back from his trip to the grocery store for smokes the Appalachian Trail the South American country of Argentina … wait, what?

That’s right: he was out of the country. No calls, no giving the Lt. Govenor the comm, not even telling his wife where he was going. He just picked up and Thelma and Louised it down to where the toilets flush backwards.

There are several fascinating aspects to this story:

  • His wife reportedly did not know where he was, preferring to stay home with the children. This has to be the most trusting marriage in America.
  • He went to Argentina. The only things Argentina is known for are Eva Peron and hidden Nazi war criminals. It’d be irresponsible to suggest he was unwinding by drinking schnapps out of Evita’s skull, so we’ll let you draw your own conclusions.
  • He came home “early.” He actually planned to stay out for an entire week. For fun, try going on an unannounced weeklong vacation from work without answering your boss’ calls. If you’re still employed, you must have been elected. By morons.
  • This is all because the S.C. legislature forced him to accept Federal Stimulus funds. This may be the most outrageous passive-aggressive tantrum thrown by a S.C. elected official since 1860 when State House Senator Aloicious Sharpe wrote a terse letter to Union troops stationed at Fort Sumter and did not sign it cordially.

Update: Oh, it was about a woman. Why not just say that in the first place? This could be as good for the Republican Party as that Catholic priest caught having sex with a woman.

Funeral home has no legs to stand on

Did you know that you’re going to die?

Yes, we mean you, right there, reading this post on SeriouslyGuys. And your boss who’s reading over your shoulder right now, too.

Just kidding! No, not about dying. That’s still going to happen, maybe 20 years from now, maybe during your next bathroom break.

The important part is that you need to make sure that you’re buried 100 percent intact. The last thing you need is for your vacated body to rot unevenly once you’re hoisted into the ground while wearing a backless suit and short pants. Dignity, people.

Why do we bring this up? Cave Funeral Services, an Allendale, South Carolina funeral home, is under investigation for possibly severing a corpse’s legs so it would fit into the coffin. Of course, the reports imply that a man’s legs were severed, but let’s just agree that — no matter what you believe — he wasn’t exactly “home” anymore.

The body of the ex-6-foot, five-inch-James Hines has been exhumed from its 2004 grave for investigation by the coroner based on the allegations of a former employee of the parlor.  While the coroner, Hayzen Black, has found “undesirable evidence,” but would not elaborate on whether the ghost of James Hines is in a wheelchair.