Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?
Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.
Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.
From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading →
One of the hallmarks of a democracy is voter fraud. Sure, we have our little scandals here in the U.S. And we learned that things in Romania are much worse. But South Korea may have everyone beat.
Today is election day in South Korea, and elderly male voters in one town outside Seoul will go to the polls with poles thanks to free erectile dysfunction medication. Korean authorities announced they are looking into allegations that old guy votes were bought off with free pills.
The allegations were first reported by the newspaper Dong-A Ilbo. If you laughed at that, you’re probably a regular reader of this site.
In recent centuries, mankind has been on a winning streak in wiping out animals. But we still have our work cut out for us, and we don’t need scientists bringing back ancient species on top of that.
That’s why a team of Russian and South Korean scientists needs to be stopped. They are working on extracting DNA from a pair of frozen cave lions that were found frozen in Russia last year. Our ancestors killed off the Panthera leo atrox some 12,000 years ago, and we are safer for it. But now, these foolish people in lab coats want to bring them back.
Should they be successful, The Guys are organizing a hunting party. Spears only. Be there.
Do you drink alone? Pretty much everyone does at some point or another. But some of us make it a habit — not because we want to, but because we don’t have any drinking buddies around. The wonderful future has come up with an invention that’s even sadder than drinking alone: drinking with a robot.
One Christmas, South Korean Eunchan Park was drinking alone, when he came up with the idea for Drinky, the robot that drinks with you. It’s basically just half a robot torso, with a head and arms, sitting on top of a mason car. The robot pours the booze from its glass into its mouth and into the jar, so at least you don’t waste your liquor.
Now you can have a robot drink you under the table. Or you could just go find a bar.
Welcome to the worst time of year. The holidays are over, your bank account is recovering from the shopping binge, and the weather sucks. The weather’s going to suck for months because it’s the beginning of winter and there’s nothing to look forward to. Really, the only thing on the horizon is Valentine’s Day, and unless you’re a woman, it’s not something to get excited about. Hunker down, keep your whiskey supply up, and keep waiting for St. Patrick’s Day. If you were busy watching a crime documentary show this week, odds are you missed it.
Mourning in America
During a speech about gun control measures being enacted through executive order, President Barack Obama shed a tear when he mentioned the children who were murdered in Newtown, Connecticut three years ago. Conspiracy theorists say Obama wiped Bengay under his eye in order to coax out a tear for cameras. This is how bad the far-right internet has gotten: John Boehner can cry and lactate 20 times a day over nothing, but the president can’t get emotional talking about dead little kids. Wouldn’t it be easier to just call Obama out for being a robot sent to destroy America?
Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb this week, but experts aren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marks another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.
‘Dear Mom, camp is great. Send snacks.’
Militiamen continued their “occupation” of a small federal park building in Oregon in protest of land rights or something like that. But it turns out they didn’t pack accordingly. Dumbasses, who have threatened violence against authorities, have asked supporters to send them supplies, as they didn’t pack enough to keep them fed for a long stay. Chipotle has responded by sending all of its salmonella-tainted burritos.
It’s not easy to reach children these days. They’re little assholes, and they think they know everything, and the education system fails to help. And that means it’s tough being a teacher. That’s why it’s important to shock the kids.
A South Korean court overturned a law that made adultery a criminal offense, punishable by fines or (rarely) jail time. And, seemingly overnight, at least one condom manufacturer saw stock prices surge as high as allowed for the day.
Now, The Guys are students of human behavior. It’s not like married South Koreans weren’t sleeping around. The government could have punished adultery with life imprisonment, facial branding and genital amputation and — based on the number of stonings, honor killings and damning embroidery in more punitive societies — people would still cheat on their spouses.
So, if human nature is as it has always been, then increased condom sales indicates that they’re just now using protection. Ewwww.
The Olympics are over, finally. Which means we don’t have to sit through ice dancing while waiting for men’s slopestyle snowboarding. Of course, it also means there’s no more men’s slopestyle snowboarding, but that’s not the point. We can get back to watching our normal shows instead of yawning through half of the sports that NBC deemed important enough to show us, all while making sure to profile an athlete who just so happened to have a commercial featuring him or her during the following commercial break.
We’re not going to remember anything really meaningful about the Sochi Olympics, nothing positive, anyway. We’ll remember the disastrous state of the hotels as athletes and media arrived, how dogs that roamed the city suddenly disappeared, Bob Costas’ eye infection, and perhaps we’ll think back fondly to that nightmarish opening ceremony, capped off with one ring not opening correctly. OK, we’ll also remember all those annoying P&G, McDonald’s, Coca-Cola and United Airlines.
When it comes to drinking liquor, South Korea is kicking our ass. What’s worse is that Team USA barely cracks the top 10. We average 3.3 shots per week, regardless of liquor. Whoever is leaving the 0.7 shots in the glass each week is probably a lightweight. Out ranking us, from #9 to #1, are Brazil, Slovakia, Ukraine, Bulgaria, Japan, Thailand, Philippines, Russia, and South Korea.
Russians drink 6.3 shots per week, nearly twice what we do. But South Koreans make even the Russians look like wine-cooler-sipping high school girls, averaging 13.7 shots per week.
The study only counts those of legal age, so there’s no doubt the U.S. would do better if the American sub-21 crowd was let in to compete on the international stage. Those of us who can legally drink need to step it up.
The scandal reached a head when both teams in a match were actively trying to lose, with the South Koreans and Chinese each hoping to outlast the other with net serve after net serve and wide returning shots. The longest volley of the entire match — which can last up to three games — was four volleys. China eventually lost the first two matches, so that means they won?
The takeaway from this story, we guess, is that even lady athletes can act like a bag of shuttlecocks.
[Special thanks to Patrick H. for bringing this story to our attention!]