College: the unhappiest place on Earth

I’m only (almost) six years separated from my time in college and it would seem that EVERYTHING has been changed. RUINED FOREVER, I SAY! RUINED FOREVER!

In my day, people would shove sauces and food into their mouth without a single hesitation, especially at a buffet. Grapes, cheesecake, fried rice, who cares, even more so if it’s covered in hot sauce (helpful hint: don’t do that). Now, though? Kids stuff the weirdest things into their mouths. Like an entire bottle of soy sauce! As such, he took a little trip to UVa Medical Center (I am all too familiar with that building). Just like you shouldn’t mix black with navy, don’t mix soy sauce with dog food. Your stomach will get all discombobulated.

But there’s still more change in the air for those youngsters! Tufts University has decided to nix their official sanction on the Naked Quad Run. Traditionally held to celebrate the end of the fall semester, the long held event is being ended over fear of the “inherent dangers it presents,” which is odd considering no one’s worried about the dangers until 2011? Look, if people want to run on icy roads all naked-like and potentially land on their soft and squishy parts, well, that’s their business.

Let freedom and nudity ring!

That’s not water in his gun …

Now that's just going to stain. But boy, is he ever happy to see you!

Many times in life, there are some people who are simply so crazy that they’re legends in their own rights; however, the Kikkoman Gunman, has gone above and beyond in the war against unsuspecting school girls.

Kenichi Ogawa, 22 years of age, was arrested on assault charges. Our new vigilante hero filled water-guns with soy sauce, and then got his squirt on to “blow off steam.” Creeeeepy.

Several high school girls in Maebashi had been attacked in similar incidents this month, so they’re looking into a possible connection (because clearly, there are so many regular incidents involving soy sauce being shot onto women in Japan-actually, on second thought … ). Authorities are accusing Ogawa of getting on his motorcycle and shooting a 17-year-old schoolgirl in the back with his sauce gun. The report says that the back of her uniform was left covered in soy sauce.

A hit and run involving soy sauce and water-guns. Never in my life would I have ever expected to live to see that. I think I’m touched by the story, and not in the “bad Uncle George” kind of way.