Tag: space shuttle

Take it from Snee: Mars needs strippers!

An interstate brouhaha is underway between Houston, Texas and New York City over the final resting place for the space shuttle Enterprise.

The shuttle, which never flew in space, but was the test model for what became the workhorse of our space program, was awarded to New York’s Intrepid Sea, Air and Space Museum, while Houston possibly receive the Explorer, a full-scale mock-up shuttle, and the finger from all living shuttle astronauts. (Which is actually kind of hard to organize, you f%@king ingrates.)

Rep. Ted Poe and Pete Olson (R-Texas) and Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson are using the proximity of a strip club to contest the shuttle’s proposed location, which is right across the street from the rest of the museum. They believe that this “is no way to treat a precious space artifact.”

But, what if the shuttle inspired those strippers to work their way through college studying science and aerospace? Then the esteemed busybodies from Texas would be interfering in my plans to restore the U.S. space program. And, brother? Space strippers is just the beginning. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Mars needs strippers!

You Missed It: Eye in the sky edition

Sorry we missed each other last week. I had some work to do on sunny beaches of Hilton Head Island, South Carolina. You know how it is. I know you missed me, which is why I couldn’t tell you where I was going and let you follow me. I needed to concentrate on my work. But now I am back and we can can get down to business. If you were busy taking a break from your vows of celibacy, odds are you missed it.

Hubble gets an oil change, tire rotation every 5,000 orbits
Space Shuttle Atlantis blasted off this week on a mission to do some maintenance work on the Hubble Space Telescope. Astronauts are performing the work during a series of space walks. What they aren’t telling you is that they are really just readjusting the telescope so it can track the movements of that paranoid guy sitting at the end of your favorite bar, according to his ramblings. NASA has not confirmed or denied the claims as of yet.

If you ask me, she’s probably a controlling woman
Apparently Jon Gosselin was caught possibly cheating on his wife, Kate Gosselin last week and this week Kate could be cheating as well. This is bad news, because they have 10 children and a lot of paparazzi cameras pointed at them. Interview after interview has alluded to the possibility of ending their marriage. In other news, who the hell and Jon and Kate Gosselin?

Phelps released back into the wild
His suspension up, Olympic hero and part time stoner Michael Phelps got back in the pool Friday. Swimming, easily the most popular sport in the U.S., seems to have welcomed him back, too. Phelps said he was happing to be racing again, but what he really needed right then was to shower and change then head to this totally sick party his friend was hosting. Phelps said plenty of alcohol and loose women would be available.

Space has no time for freeloaders

Space. The Final Frontier.  For the longest time, these voyages to the great beyond were known only by we noble humans and our primate prisoners. There, in space, we could practice numerous scientific activities that could thus better our race in our war against those hideous animals. But now, a new threat has emerged.

Suicidal bats.

Yes, bats are now attaching themselves to space shuttle launches, undoubtedly in the ignoble hope that they can take down said space shuttle. Obviously this means that the animals have merged together into a horrible, unfied force of evil. As such, the bats, having nothing to live for now that they’re not allowed to eat those smalls bugs, have decided to become suicidal monsters.

The only coping thought that we can have regarding this news is that the bat most probably suffered a horrible and painful death upon initial launch out of the Earth’s atmosphere. If somehow, it managed to survive that, then we can take solace in the fact that it suffered an even more horrible and painful deaht, and as such, is now floating somewhere in space as a piece of space debris, hopefully causing numerous damage to some bothersome alien. Take that, ET!

The McBournie Minute: Bowl to the future

Over the weekend I attended a 7-year-old’s birthday party and was surprisingly devoid of alcohol. It had been a while for me since I had gone to any birthday parties that did not involve someone falling asleep on the bathroom floor, so this was a shock to me. Happily, I found that the birthday parties of the younger ones have not really changed since I was that age.

There were still heavily caffeinated sodas for the children, along with snacks and cake. There were presents and balloons. It was at a bowling alley, and there were pop music videos playing on projection screens. During the experience I realized two things:

  1. Kids listen to pop music brought to you by Disney, featuring teen singers/ role models so modestly dressed you can’t even see their 20% of their skin, thus making me feel creepy for the slightest glance.
  2. Federal funding for bowling alleys ran out in 1981.

Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Bowl to the future

The latest in diet tips

Spiders–sometimes they create superheroes, but most of the time, they are evil, especially in the War on Animals. They have attacked our space shuttles and even made us have forced sexual relations with another person.

But despite all this, spiders might actually be doing some good for us. It turns out they are killing off those pesky songbirds we all know and hate. According to a recent study, spiders, which are eaten by some types of birds, collect a lot of mercury and in turn end up with high mercury content in their blood (which leads to other health problems, including osteoporosis).

This blog really isn’t sure where to stand on spiders. They cause so much harm, but they are helping us rid the world of the avian menace. For now, we will stay neutral on them.