Alien found riding shotgun during traffic stop

When a police officer pulls someone over, there’s no telling what is going to happen next. The more experienced officers out there will tell you they have seen everything. One officer was proven wrong.

In Georgia, a man was pulled over for speeding, and when he approached the car, he could tell something was very wrong. Riding shotgun was a strange being with a large head, pale skin, huge black eyes and long skinny limbs — an extraterrestrial. The alien, which media accounts claim was a mannequin, sat still, staring straight ahead, and did not answer any questions. Authorities have refused to release any information about where the alien was being taken and why the driver was in such a hurry.

Of course, the driver and the alien were let go because they were both white.

Let’s check in on the coming apocalypse

Dr. Stephen Hawking, famous physicist and total bummer at a party, is continuing to say that mankind is doomed. In fact, we’ve only got a century left, so we should probably get going on the colonizing of somewhere else.

We’ve got robots to worry about, climate change, nuclear war, even genetically engineered diseases coming our way. And because of that, the world needs to work together to colonize the moon in 2020 and Mars in 2025. Beyond that, mankind will need to further colonize space if it is to survive, as Earth’s resources are dwindling, Dr. Chuckles said.

But there is good news: we may not have to wait that long for life on Earth as we know it to come to an end. As you know, there is a supervolcano that sits beneath Yellowstone National Park. Well, there have been a series of earthquakes at the supervolcano. If it erupts, it would kill a lot in the immediate area, but it would also send enough ash into the atmosphere to block out the sun for much of the planet, which would surely kill crops and lead to a worldwide famine. The U.S. Geological Survey says these quakes don’t indicate an eruption, but of course they would say that.

Two-headed flatworms grow on space station

Based on a true story.

Earlier this week we told you that astronauts could be making their own crumb-free bread on the International Space Station next year. But we just learned that something equally unnatural was growing up there recently.

According to a new report, some tiny flatworms were send to the ISS and spent nearly two years up there. When they were returned to Earth, scientists found that some of them had grown two heads, one at each end of their body. Researchers also noted that the space flatworms were acting somewhat differently than their kin who have only lived on Earth.

We don’t know what this means, but you can be sure that it’s not going to be good for mankind.

Sandwiches going back to space after 52-year ban

Bread is thought to be one of the earliest and most universal foods made on Earth, but it’s been banned in space. That will all change next year aboard the International Space Station.

That’s when an experiment in baking crumb-free bread will be carried out on the ISS. Like your hippie neighbors, astronauts will be baking their own bread. The bread ban has been in place since 1965, when two NASA astronauts brought a corned beef sandwich into space during the Gemini 3 mission. Scientists said crumbs from the bread could have gotten into the circuitry of the spacecraft. And it’s been tortillas-only ever since.

But researchers believe they have come up with a way to bake bread in space using a recipe that shouldn’t create crumbs. No doubt it will be the Tang of the bread world.

One day we will travel to a beer planet

When scientists make a discovery, they can name that thing pretty much whatever they want. There don’t seem to be any real naming rules for stuff, and that’s how we end up with spiders being named for a hat in Harry Potter. Fortunately, a lot of researchers out there like booze.

A group of researchers at Belgium’s University of Liege are big fans of Trappist beers, so much so that they named a planetary system after them. TRAPPIST-1 is a short 40 light-years away, and has seven Earth-size planets, and three of them could even support life. And now, each of the planets bears the name of a Trappist brewery, such as Chimay, Westmalle and Spencer.

Trappist beers come from monasteries that brew their own beer as a means of financially supporting themselves. They have a certification and everything. It makes sense that a bunch of dudes hanging out for the rest of their lives would figure out how to make beer on the side.

Unfortunately, this means that it’s inevitable that some American scientist will discover the planet Budweiser.

NASA may reissue classic album

Vinyl is the most coveted audio media today. Old people like their records for nostalgia reasons, and hipsters like them because they like acting like things that suck are actually somehow better than what we moved on to. And NASA is cashing in on the trend, if a Kickstarter campaign works out.

Back in the 70s, NASA collaborated with Carl Sagan to create an album like no other. It bares some resemblance to the modern day mix tapes (that aren’t actual tapes). It features a collection of greetings in different languages, sounds of animals, different types of music — pretty out-there stuff for the age of disco. And because NASA is the pimp agency of the federal government, the album was made on gold discs. The album was then launched into space on Voyagers 1 and 2, in hopes that aliens will one day enjoy NASA’s fresh beats. But it was never released here on Earth, not even Sagan could get a copy of the record.

But now, it’s going to be reissued–on vinyl, not gold–for the public to hear. If the Kickstarter campaign meets its funding goal, The Gold Album by NASA feat. Carl “C. Saggy” Sagan, will be reissued and heard by the ears of Earthlings everywhere.

You Missed It: DIY edition

"That one's banned. That one's banned. Ooh, that one too!"
“That one’s banned. That one’s banned. Ooh, that one too!”

Somehow I’m more turned off by the Democratic primaries than I do the GOP race. I find the Republican race of more consequence and much, much cruder, but out of nowhere, the Dems and their supporters have become intolerable. This week alone we had Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton trying to out-New York each other. Nothing says “I’m in touch with real Americans” like a pissing match for the most self-important city in the U.S. Then there are your Facebook friends who post 18 things a day about how great Sanders is, and how THE MEDIA IS AGAINST US, MAN! The media are a bunch of outlets with no common agenda, other than entertaining you. Blaming your problems on them is like blaming your fart on the dog. If you were busy (finally) retiring from basketball this week, odds are you missed it.

Taking the law into his own hands
It was revealed this week that as Texas solicitor general in 2007, Ted Cruz penned a 76-page brief with the U.S. Court of Appeals defending a state ban on the sale of sex toys. He unsuccessfully argued that Americans have no legal right to stimulate their own genitals–no, really. Folks, if we have the right to bear arms, we certainly have the right to hairy palms.

Time to probe some aliens
A group of investors and scientists, including Mark Zuckerberg, Russian billionaire Yuri Milner and famed physicist Stephen Hawking this week announced an initiative to send a bunch of tiny probes to Alpha Centauri, the closest star system to Earth. The nanocraft would travel four light-years in about two decades. So let the record show that when the Centaurian War is over, we fired first.

Use of electronic devices is now permitted
This week, AMC Theaters floated an idea to allow cell phone use at certain designated shows, arguing that it would be more appealing to younger moviegoers. The proposal was met with such strong criticism that AMC announced a day later that it was killing the idea. To which younger moviegoers said, “We know, we saw it on Twitter like an hour ago.”

Foolish aliens start war with Vietnam

Vietnam saw its share of bombs during the 20th century. We’re not well-versed on our post-unification Vietnamese history, but we don’t believe there have been many bombs since then. All that has changed.

Officials with the country’s Defense Department say three mysterious spheres were dropped in northern provinces. The spheres are all different sizes, and landed in different locations, but they are all said to have come from space.

This, of course, is one of the “most famous” of classic blunders, and the aliens just fell for it.

You Missed It: End of 2015 edition

I will be drinking every single one of these.
I will be drinking every single one of these in the next half hour.

And just like that, 2015 is over. It seems like only yesterday we were talking about how miserable a year 2014 was. I, for one, think that we managed to surpass all expectations this year. It was the most miserable yet. We kept injuring ourselves falling off of bikes, stages and those Segway-like things that aren’t actually hoverboards. We agreed when Jared Fogle got arrested that rape jokes can be funny. We landed a probe on a comet, and immediately lost track of it. And we got really, really into the finer points of air pressure in a football. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we can get started with 2016. Grab a bottle and let’s do this.

January

Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
The nominees for the Academy Awards were announced and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards were white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”

The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it would run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove unmolested. Later in the year, the people of Boston told the committee where to stick their nomination.

Radio nowhere
Scientists announced that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insisted that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2015 edition

In space, no one can hear you complain about bagpipes

Roommates can be annoying, even if you’re good friends with or are married to them. But the good thing is that you don’t have to stay cooped up with them if you don’t want to. You can leave your place for a while and cool off. But your options are limited if you’re on the International Space Station.

American astronaut Kjell Lindgren learned that one of his friends died recently, and did what anyone else in morning would do, annoy the hell out of his roommates. He played the bagpipes, an instrument known for its unpleasant sound and volume. To honor his fallen friend, Lindgren played “Amazing Grace” on some bagpipes he had sent up on a recent supply mission for this reason. That means he knowingly trapped his roommates thousands of feet above the Earth and made them listen to his music.

No one asked him to play “Space Oddity” for an encore.

h/t to Hunter S.