Tag: space

UN wants you for Space Ambassador

At least, if you’re qualified, that is.

Yes, you’re reading that right. This is not a satirical website’s attempt at humor (or at least, some other satirical website’s attempt at humor), nor is it an April Fool’s-esque headline: this is the real deal.

The United Nations has appointed Malaysia’s first astrophysicist to be their ambassador to space. No one knows at the moment whether this will be a strike for our on-going war on aliens (established in June of 1947, maybe July) or blow against a much needed wartime effort, as the UN is often wont to do.

The Russians are going to mars!

This is bad news, nothing short of the launch of Sputnik. Folks, we have fallen behind in the space race. A crew of six scientists, three Russians, a Frenchman, a guy who’s Colombian and Italian and a Chinese guy are going to Mars.

OK, well actually, they are just locking themselves in a windowless capsule for a year and a half to see if they can make the time that it would take to go from Earth to Mars. The worst part is that they are all wearing RED. We might as well drop moon landing photos in Moscow to remind them who’s boss.

Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando

I don’t like to brag too much about my military record. For one thing, it’s not very conducive to my online comedy career. I want you to laugh with me, not laugh because–if there’s a way for a former Space Green Beret to reach through your monitor–I’ll thumb-gouge your eyes out.

But, with the recent attacks on Connecticut Democrat senatorial candidate Richard Blumenthal and U.S. Representative Mark Kirk (R.-Ill.) that call their military careers into question, I feel it is time to stand up with these brave men.

By “stand up,” I mean to tell my own story, which is so incredible that it can only prove their claims are no less preposterous. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando

Just when we were about to launch SGTV

A satellite that brings people cable television (confusing, isn’t it?) has gone rogue, drifting off its course, which mean some cable subscribers could lose their signals in the days ahead.

Apparently it’s not as bad as it sounds, it will really only affect a handful of customers of some company in Europe. But because we’re part of the media, and need to sell ads ourselves: CRAZY SATELLITE THREATENS TO DESTROY CABLE TV AS WE KNOW IT!!!

Whatever it is, it didn’t kill us

Hey kids! Did you know that there are untold numbers of objects in space that come close to Earth and could one day kill us all? You did? You saw that movie already? OK, well, you can feel safe, because we’ve got scientists out there watching everything closely and keeping us safe. They know exactly where everything is.

The good news we have for you is that something passed within 80,000 miles of our planet this morning and it didn’t hit us. The bad part is that scientists aren’t really sure what it is. Even Space.com, whose name suggests that they know a lot about what goes on in space, called it a “weird object.” Maybe space junk, maybe an asteroid, but it may also be a piece of the sky, which is in fact, falling.

The best barriers are planet sized ones

According to recent simulations, the idea of making a life for yourself on a planet closer to the center of the galaxy has hit a natural barrier as well as a (lack-of-way-to-get-there-and-survive) technological one: Too many comets. Not enough ho’s!

No! No! Sit down Ludacris. We’re not going into a song, okay? We just don’t have the time. Now, as I was saying ….

It’s now being reported that Italian researcher Marco Masi has discovered that the stars and gas clouds at the center of the galaxy are so tightly packed that twice as many comets are shaken loose, and could hit planets at twice the impact of similar Earthbound objects. Which would mean that some kind of force shield that would protect future space colonies from collisions might just be the first thing to add to any future to-do list.

Our favorite planet-sized comet shield? Meatloaf. And Mike Holmgren. Oh, and one of the dude’s wearing an ascot that was pictured at the end of the Dec. 22, 2009 edition of PTI. That was a big dude.

Hey look, another use for Saturn

No, we’re not talking about the defunct game console that was essentially beaten by its own makers.

No, we’re not talking about the soon to be defunct car company that was beaten by less efficient cars.

We’re talking about the planet! NASA, those caaaa-razy guys with glasses, have found a new, giant ring around the planet. This is puzzling considering that planet Saturn is absolutely colossal, and you would think that one of its rings, which fit around this gigantic ball, would be fairly easy to find by now.

It would be if Rick Snee hadn’t broken the Hubble Telescope 10 years ago. I won’t go into the story of how that happened, but let’s just say that it involved a dromedary camel, fire retardant foam, a George Foreman grill, Raul Julia’s mustache from The Addams Family and the space shuttle Victory.

In order to fill our nerd quotient of the week, here’s a helpful hint: make sure to look up two of Saturn’s moons, Mimas and Iapetus. That’s right, both Death Stars revolve around Saturn. /nerd quotient

Spoilers: space is full of death

Remember, in space, no one can hear an emo planet cut itself.

A planet ten times the size of Jupiter is orbiting so close to its parent star, that it orbits in less than a single Earth day. It has one million years until one of the tidal plasma bulges its gravity is excreting on its parent star catch up with it, and then … KAPLOOIE!

So, why is this news? Because, technically, the planet is our galactic neighbor.

So, why isn’t this news? Cue on the word “technically.” By that, I mean that the planet is 325 light years away from Earth.