Wine: The hot new trend in mouth wash

You’ve probably seen friends passing around a news story about how wine can increase your longevity. It doesn’t. It just says that people who are 90 or whatever and drink wine seem to be in better shape mentally than those who don’t. But science has found that wine might actually be good for the health of your mouth.

According to a recent study in Spain, some of the chemicals found in red wine can actually prevent tooth decay and gum disease. Polyphenols have been shown to kill harmful bacteria in your mouth, decreasing your chances of having mouth problems, aside from purple lips and teeth, and slurring your words. They have even been found to have positive effects on your gut bacteria.

The Guys aren’t dentists, but we recommend keeping a bottle of cabernet next to your toothbrush. It’s the only mouth wash that’s safe to swallow.

Blasphanimals! Repent your hairesy!

The War on Animals has always been contentious. But, animals have crossed a line and turned this into a holy war. We cannot stress this enough: animals have attacked Jesus.

A newly discovered — by white people, anyway — monkey species has the unmitigated gall to impersonate Jesus Henry Christ de Nazareth. Dubbed the “Lesula,” he lives in the Congo and somehow still knew what Jesus looks like before that lady helpfully restored that fresco in Spain.

But, that’s not all: snakes are mocking the virgin birth! Researchers caught female copperhead pit vipers in the U.S. proving immaculate conception “ain’t no thang,” performing the miracle almost at will. The offspring’s DNA is composed entirely of the mother’s genetics … which means snakes want us to believe God is a snake. Or some dude who impregnates snakes. Either way, it’s time to storm the Herpetology Consulate at your local zoo!

Wearing less gets you more

Crazy sales by retail outlets aren’t exactly unheard of. Now, I’m not exactly talking about Black Friday. I’m talking about the crazy sales that involve pre-buying stipulations. Maybe you need to show up to the store in a duck costume. Maybe you need to take part in a scavenger hunt. Perhaps there’s a treasure box that only your key can open.

Or, you can be like the Desigual store in Spain and offer a free top and bottom to the first 100 customers that show up in just their underwear. Oh, and I should mention this took place on Monday, so it’s kinda cold.

Also, so that you know, the link may possibly be Not Safe For Work, as there are lots of people in their skivvies, the majority of which are dudes. In their skimpy skivvies. That have potentially decided to not let the cold affect their, um … reputation.



In a move that surprises no one, America has been voted the coolest nation in the world by the other countries in the world. Excuse us while we don’t remove our sunglasses. Doing so might bother our totally perfectly sculpted hair.

A social networking, Badoo, conducted a poll using 30, 000 people from around the planet. The relevancy of whether or not a site that no one’s heard of is immaterial; the results are all that matter. Speaking of the results, it was discovered that being a Spaniard is pretty awesome in Europe, Brazil is still tops in Latin America and Belgium a bunch of dorks.

Not that being from Spain or Brazil matters. America is still considered the world’s coolest nationality.

As such, here’s a tip from one of the coolest people in the world to Belgium: get cracking on something awesome other than your waffles and we’ll talk about not stuffing you into a locker. Maybe.

The streets of Pamplona ran beige with boredom

In what is normally a recipe for pain and hilarity, seasoned bull-watchers were disappointed by the last of this year’s running with the bulls. Not one idiot got gored–not one.

A couple fell and had their stupid scraped knees blown on by the Red Cross, but where was the carnage? It’s the one time of year where humans say to cows, “You know what? Sorry about McDonald’s. Here you go: free hit,” and the bulls did nothing. Even vegetarians are feeling a little less smug today.

The worst part about this is that The Guys’ annual Running with the Bulls bracket was ruined because every single one of us went over. (We play by Price is Right rules.) Granted, my bet of 10,000 might have been a little high, but what can I say? I’m a dreamer.

Found: one underwater city, rusty armor and fish

For approximately the tenth time now in my life, it’s being purported that Atlantis, the lost city of fish people and magic dinosaurs, has been found.

Mind you, no one’s actually claiming that it’s officially been founded, but that’s not stopped science from theorizing the hell out of it. Speculation from the smart people is that a massive tsuper tsunami swamped the city in the mud flats of south Spain.

Deep-ground radar, digital mapping and underwater technology are all being used to comb over the site. This has resulted in a grand total of nothing except for above ground memorial cities and an extraordinarily awkwardly timed comment by head researcher Richard Freund:

“This is the power of tsunamis.”

Yowch. Clearly no one knew about that beforehand.

Someone call Mister Burns!

For eons, the Sun has provided free energy, light, and warmth to Earth, and all for free. What a capitalistic waste. But now, no longer!

Angeles Duran, a woman from the Spanish region of Galicia, is the new proud owner of the Sun. She says she got the idea in September when she read about an American man registering his ownership of the Moon and most of the planets in the Solar System. She says that she has every right do this within international law, which only forbids countries from claiming planets or stars, not individuals:

“There was no snag, I backed my claim legally, I am not stupid, I know the law. I did it but anyone else could have done it, it simply occurred to me first.”

She says she will begin charging people for the use of the Sun. The price she paid? Approximately a measly 5 gazillion moonbucks.

Eight arms, but only one life

Remember Paul the Octopus? He correctly predicted the outcome of all of Germany’s World Cup games this summer. He was beloved by many, and captured the soccer world’s heart for a few weeks. And now he’s dead.

Paul was found dead in his tank (or as they call them in Germany, “panzer”) yesterday. Dying of what appear to be natural causes. Let us not forget that Paul had enemies. He pissed off the Germans–usually a bad move–when he correctly predicted their loss to Spain, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he was a symbol of the evil West’s obsession with superstition, and well, there’s The Guys.

Yeah, we think it was Iran, too.

Let’s see if he can predict the outcome of this

Remember Paul the psychic octopus? He correctly guessed all eight (Octopus. Eight. Get it?) of Germany’s games in the World Cup, as well as Spain’s win in the final round. (I checked with the experts, and it appears that wins and losses can actually happen in soccer.)

If there is one thing the Germans hate, it’s losing. And rather than blame the refs, the coaches or even the players, they have fixed their attention on Paul and want to grill him up to teach him a lesson. Citizens and newspapers alike are calling for his head-like thing.

These animal bastards are even messing with our sporting events!