Pilot says both engines may not work, seeks vote on taking off

Airline pilots have rough jobs. They have to go through a ton of training, they work long hours, and they have to be on planes with other people. That’s why we shouldn’t be surprised when they honestly consider taking off in a broken plane.

Passengers on a flight from Malaga, Spain to Bristol, U.K. were surprised when their pilot asked them after boarding if they wanted to vote on whether to take off because there was only a 50/50 chance of both engines working. For those of you who aren’t great at probability, that meant that there was a very good chance the plane would only have one working engine for the flight.

Shockingly, the passengers reacted negatively, and a bit panicked at the thought of traveling on a broken plane. But the good news here is that a vote that mattered had a high turnout rate.

Children of divorce can blame skin, bowel issues on parents

If your parents are divorced, and you have health issues, congratulations, you can blame that on Mom and Dad, too!

According to researchers in Spain, children whose parents are divorced are more likely to have neurological, gastrointestinal or dermatological problems, or even problems with their genitals. Researchers believe that the ailments are all related to stress, which is linked to the splitting up of the parents.

Stay together for the zits.

Robots need love, too

Robots are taking our jobs, and will eventually rise up and enslave us one day. But can they be fun in the meantime? We create robots to disarm bombs or fly and drop bombs. We build some robots to look like us, so we don’t feel lonely. And because we’re humans and it’s what we do, we’re working to build sexy robots. But what if they’re not in the mood?

A Spanish engineer has created a robot that you can have sex with, but you have to get it in the mood. “Samantha” looks like a mannequin, but apparently is anatomically correct, and needs some romance and even hugging and kissing in order to get turned on. Also, she likes to plan Ed Sheeran songs on Pandora.

If this hasn’t made you question why Samantha even exists, she can be yours for just over $5,000, which can probably buy you better companionship with real people.

Farts blamed as cause of gun battle

In Spain, things have gotten very tense, and it’s all because of some farting.

According to reports, two rival Gypsy families finally had enough of each other and started a gun battle last week. They say the problem began when the member of one family walked by the member of the other family and farted near him. Exhibiting skills not seen since elementary school, the fan who was farted on then returned the insult by farting at will near the first man.

From there, a gun battle broke out, which put four men in the hospital. The moral here is that if you are traveling to Spain, don’t fart–ever.

Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of breast milk

There are at least two reasons why the pirates of the Caribbean wanted the redhead so badly.
There are at least two reasons why the pirates of the Caribbean wanted the redhead so badly.

A baby in Spain nearly died of scurvy after drinking almond milk-based formula instead of something that nutritionally resembles breast milk. Fortunately, it only took 8 months and an inability to touch his legs without causing pain before someone took him to the doctor.

Almond milk, which is mostly bullsh*t (it’s the number three ingredient after water and almonds), doesn’t contain enough vitamin C to prevent malnutrition, especially when you’re too young to suck limes on longer ocean voyages.

On hearing that breast milk could prevent scurvy, pirates are now turning down booty and finally growing up into breast men.

How about some wine to wash down that Whopper?

We know a couple bros who would love to sample a bottle.
We know a couple bros who would love to sample a bottle.

We’ve all been there: you sit down with your fast food burger, only to realize that you don’t have the right wine on hand to complement your meal. Burger King has fixed that.

The monarch of broiled meats is celebrating 40 years of service in Spain with its own wine. It’s aged in oak barrels, and the red wine is said to pair perfectly with Whoppers. The only problem is that there aren’t many bottles, and they’re only available in Spain. To win them, Spanish BK fans have to share their favorite memories of the burger chain, which is kind of sad, enough to make you want to drink a bottle of fast food wine.

Hey, Burger King, how about celebrating your business here in the U.S. with some Whopper Whiskey?

The McBournie Minute: Dying to take a selfie

I like to think of myself as a well-informed consumer of media. I don’t always trust a news source just because it is able to put words on a page. Instead, I read a lot of news and then draw my own conclusions, as any thoughtful citizen of the world should do.

It’s because I am so versed in media literacy that I feel especially good when I work myself into hysterics because of a handful of incidents happening around the world at any given time. That’s why I’m here to plead with you: Please stop taking selfies. Not because it might make you sad if people don’t like them, not because your lady friends will judge you, and not even because it’s a fake word that is now treated like a real one in Scrabble.

Your selfie just might kill you. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Dying to take a selfie

Spanish bulls are camera shy

We need to stop taking selfies, people.

Everyone likes updating their social media profile pictures, but no one likes the hassle of asking a friend to take a photo for them. That’s why we have selfies. But now, these things are just dangerous. It’s become a problem at the Tour de France, but no one cares, because that’s just guys on bikes hitting stupid people in the road. But now, someone has taken a selfie while running with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain.

Now, the man, who somehow survived the ordeal and wasn’t even among the gored, faces a hefty fine. Because ritualistically murdering bulls in front of thousands is one thing, but snapping a picture with them is just inhumane.

El gorila es suelto no importa es sólo Tim.

Spain has had a bit of a checkered history with the gorilla. Most of the time, a gorilla is only referenced by Spaniards while at a soccer game, right after they throw bananas onto the field toward a black player.

So I guess it shouldn’t be too much of a surprise that a man in a gorilla suit was accidentally shot with a tranquilizer by a vet at a zoo. Points for shooting a gorilla at a moment’s notice, points taken for shooting what clearly couldn’t have been a real gorilla.

As if Spain didn’t have enough problems

For the past half decade to even a full decade, Spain has had a terribly high unemployment rate (as in, high enough to be globally relevant). And while there’s a siesta joke that could probably be made here, we’ll leave it alone in order to joke about their roasted pig head dish.

Not everyone has a job, but even those that do may not have security. For those that will have to work in the In Tempo building, they may just want to quit now.

The In Tempo building is but a scant 47 stories, not that big in comparison to other giant buildings around the world; however, thanks to a planning error, the elevators only go to the twentieth floor. That leaves employees to have to hoof it up the steps for potentially 27 more floors. Yes, the majority will be possibly dead, but think of all the office workers with fantastic looking butts!