Spanking toughens up your kids

We’re not sure why researchers focus so much on spanking toddlers, but we can excuse their fetish if they provide results (and show their math).

The latest round of surveys and behavioral observations indicate, once again, that spanking 3-year-olds will forge them into a kid-hating wrecking machines by the time they’re 5. And it’s about time science proved that there are benefits to the practice. Tough kids are known for:

  • Always having exact change. Wimpy kids never have any change.
  • Beating up kids you don’t like. We’re not allowed to challenge kids to fights until they turn 12, so this is our only legal loophole. (You’re dead meat, Kevin Milligan!)
  • Hot dogs. Armour hot dogs.

Of course, if you’re still squeamish about hitting your kids, there’s always Spank Kata.

It worked for Beethoven

If you’ve ever encountered children, then we will guarantee you’ve wanted to hit at least one of them. Don’t get all defensive; some of them practically ask for it.

For some reason, this practice has been frowned upon, resulting in criminal charges and governments taking children away. And as of lately, you can’t even shake a baby when they get unruly, even if they have a gun!

Fortunately, Marjorie Gunnoe of Calvin College is on our side! Psychology professor Gunnoe has found in her research that children smacked before the age of six are more likely to perform better at school, do voluntary work and want to go to college when they are teenagers than their non-tenderized peers.

Our only suggestion? If you’re going to sock your toddler for airline terrorism, avoid the head. They’ll need that for the college they want to attend.

Finally, a sense of accomplishment

There’s one thing we don’t see enough of anymore: public spankings. It’s getting to the point where we almost believed that kids aren’t hit at all anymore.

What happened to the good old days where it wasn’t just a parent’s responsibility, but the duty of any elected or appointed officials, shop owners or approximate busybodies to paint a kid’s bee-hind red? You know, when you smack someone’s kid for looking at you the wrong way, hand them back to the parent, explain what they did and watch them get slapped around again?

There’s good news: more than 200,000 kids got spanked in school this year.

Sure, that number’s down from a few years ago, but we can still take solace in the idea that somebody out there wants to slap that as … king look off their face.