Kid’s on the fritz, again

Two decades of spanking research are in, and — according to an article in the Canadian Medical Association Journal — it’s analogous to slapping your TV when it’s on the fritz. Sure, it may fix undesirable behavior in the short term, maybe even knock some dust off, but your Samsung is still broken, maybe even more so now.

Parents who don’t understand the study, yet believe these Canadian scientists have behaved badly may email their spankings to Joan Durrant, the article’s lead author and a child clinical psychologist and professor of family social sciences at the University of Manitoba.

Spanking toughens up your kids

We’re not sure why researchers focus so much on spanking toddlers, but we can excuse their fetish if they provide results (and show their math).

The latest round of surveys and behavioral observations indicate, once again, that spanking 3-year-olds will forge them into a kid-hating wrecking machines by the time they’re 5. And it’s about time science proved that there are benefits to the practice. Tough kids are known for:

  • Always having exact change. Wimpy kids never have any change.
  • Beating up kids you don’t like. We’re not allowed to challenge kids to fights until they turn 12, so this is our only legal loophole. (You’re dead meat, Kevin Milligan!)
  • Hot dogs. Armour hot dogs.

Of course, if you’re still squeamish about hitting your kids, there’s always Spank Kata.

It worked for Beethoven

If you’ve ever encountered children, then we will guarantee you’ve wanted to hit at least one of them. Don’t get all defensive; some of them practically ask for it.

For some reason, this practice has been frowned upon, resulting in criminal charges and governments taking children away. And as of lately, you can’t even shake a baby when they get unruly, even if they have a gun!

Fortunately, Marjorie Gunnoe of Calvin College is on our side! Psychology professor Gunnoe has found in her research that children smacked before the age of six are more likely to perform better at school, do voluntary work and want to go to college when they are teenagers than their non-tenderized peers.

Our only suggestion? If you’re going to sock your toddler for airline terrorism, avoid the head. They’ll need that for the college they want to attend.

Take it from Snee: Spank Kata!

They knew we loved it.For at least 10,000 years, people have been punished for sex with children.

Hang on.

People have been punished for having sex with children.

No.

Children are a punishment for sex. There we go. (Unless you have sex with prepubescent children.) And hello to all of our new readers from the FBI!

Children whine, scream and cry; they bite, hit and kick; they interrupt your favorite TV shows, force you to leave movie theaters and open your toys, ruining their in-box value. And despite all of that, you can’t hit them.

So, what is a parent to do when a child is unruly? Have you considered Spank Kata? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Spank Kata!