Did you know that barnacles, also known as boat herpes, have the longest penis relative to size in the animal kingdom? All the better to shotgun blast sperm willy-nilly into the ocean with.
The Pacific gooseneck barnacle have joined the list of confirmed spermcasters. Along with sponges, jellyfish and sea anemones, the males of these species just let loose with the baby juice, letting the current carry it wherever it may.
By our estimates, this makes the composition of the ocean about 10 percent mercury, 20 whale poop, 20 percent water and 50 percent free-floating semen. (There are a lot of barnacles out there is what we’re saying.)
The study of 26,600 French guys’ sperm has French scientists concerned. They found that Le Guys‘ sperm count was on average 32.3 percent lower per millilitre than it was in 1989. And, if that wasn’t bad enough, there was 33.4 percent less normal-shaped sperm, which means that what French men have left is just a little bit freakier.
But, critics of the paper say it’s not really a fair comparison because the ’89 Chateau du Coq really was an extraordinary vintage.
Bonus: The link is to BBC News, so you know they were tickled by this announcement.
The FDA states that Arsenault must be tested before every sperm donation in accordance with laws on all human fluid donations. However, Arsenault would not be on the hook if, as his grandmother complains, he would just have sex with all these women like a decent Craigslist user.
To date, Arsenault has donated 348 love shots to 46 women who found him online. He describes his process:
“‘It only takes me 15 minutes to do my part,’ he said. ‘They’ll send me a text message, and by the time they get to my house, it’s hot off the press.'”
Some of you savvier readers might remember Cryos International — the largest sperm bank in the world — turning down redhead and Scandinavian semen back in September. In response, Swedish scientists have released a study that may make Ole Schou reconsider his policy.
They found that Swedish men who donated sperm generally scored better in the screening process for being more responsible, confident and self-accepted than donors from other countries (like those shiftless Danes over at Cryos), thank you very much.
The researchers would be remiss, however, if they didn’t mention that Swedish sperm requires some assembly after purchase.
Cryos International agency director (and Danish award-winning beer), Ole Schou, is up to his eyeballs in ginger semen. The world’s largest sperm bank has no further need for the foreseeable future for donations from redheads or, for that matter, Scandinavians who don’t have brown eyes.
(Bonus Headline of the Day points to MSNBC for the “Redheads Need Not Apply” call back to American anti-Irish racism.)
Schou told msnbc.com that nobody seems to want redhead sperm except the Irish, who aren’t aware that children come in different colors, and nobody wants Scandinavian sperm because of their complicated instruction manuals and critical missing pieces.
However, if you are Black, Asian, Hispanic, Mediterranean or mixed-race, then you are welcome to step up from amateur ‘baiting to the pros.
I have a 12-year-old son who has recently started spending a lot of time in the bathroom. A lot of time. When I ask him what he’s doing, he refuses to look me in the eye and says that he “was just, you know, going to the bathroom.” As a mother, I’d like to believe him, but what kind of kid goes to the bathroom three times in one hour?! What should I do?