Ocean water, you nasty

Enjoy that swim in Acapulco. Just don’t be surprised if you come back pregnant with Doomsday.

Did you know that barnacles, also known as boat herpes, have the longest penis relative to size in the animal kingdom? All the better to shotgun blast sperm willy-nilly into the ocean with.

The Pacific gooseneck barnacle have joined the list of confirmed spermcasters. Along with sponges, jellyfish and sea anemones, the males of these species just let loose with the baby juice, letting the current carry it wherever it may.

By our estimates, this makes the composition of the ocean about 10 percent mercury, 20 whale poop, 20 percent water and 50 percent free-floating semen. (There are a lot of barnacles out there is what we’re saying.)

French sperm lacks certain … je ne sais quoi

Former French president Nicolas Sarkozy knows a thing or two about French sperm being just good enough.

The study of 26,600 French guys’ sperm has French scientists concerned. They found that Le Guys‘ sperm count was on average 32.3 percent lower per millilitre than it was in 1989. And, if that wasn’t bad enough, there was 33.4 percent less normal-shaped sperm, which means that what French men have left is just a little bit freakier.

But, critics of the paper say it’s not really a fair comparison because the ’89 Chateau du Coq really was an extraordinary vintage.

Bonus: The link is to BBC News, so you know they were tickled by this announcement.

Man just can’t give his sperm away

Fremont, California resident and frequent masturbator Trent Arsenault has been ordered by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to cease and desist giving cups of his batter away.

The FDA states that Arsenault must be tested before every sperm donation in accordance with laws on all human fluid donations. However, Arsenault would not be on the hook if, as his grandmother complains, he would just have sex with all these women like a decent Craigslist user.

To date, Arsenault has donated 348 love shots to 46 women who found him online. He describes his process:

“‘It only takes me 15 minutes to do my part,’ he said. ‘They’ll send me a text message, and by the time they get to my house, it’s hot off the press.'”

Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner was offended, saying that this was an obvious jab at the failing paper pornography industry, no matter how many times some photographer convinces a delusional Lindsay Lohan she’s Marilyn Monroe.

‘Bork bork bork’ is Swedish for ‘skeet skeet skeet’

Some of you savvier readers might remember Cryos International — the largest sperm bank in the world — turning down redhead and Scandinavian semen back in September. In response, Swedish scientists have released a study that may make Ole Schou reconsider his policy.

They found that Swedish men who donated sperm generally scored better in the screening process for being more responsible, confident and self-accepted than donors from other countries (like those shiftless Danes over at Cryos), thank you very much.

The researchers would be remiss, however, if they didn’t mention that Swedish sperm requires some assembly after purchase.

Squid are proud creatures

Yesterday marked the first day of a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” U.S. military, finally allowing gay, lesbian and bisexual service members serve openly, even in war zones. And, not to be outdone, our animal foes have matched us tit-for-tentacle: male deep sea squids have come out to our scientists as bisexual.

It’s a shame, too, because a lot of Southern high schools have to change their mascots now.

That’s enough, redheads, thanks for coming

Cryos International agency director (and Danish award-winning beer), Ole Schou, is up to his eyeballs in ginger semen. The world’s largest sperm bank has no further need for the foreseeable future for donations from redheads or, for that matter, Scandinavians who don’t have brown eyes.

(Bonus Headline of the Day points to MSNBC for the “Redheads Need Not Apply” call back to American anti-Irish racism.)

Schou told msnbc.com that nobody seems to want redhead sperm except the Irish, who aren’t aware that children come in different colors, and nobody wants Scandinavian sperm because of their complicated instruction manuals and critical missing pieces.

However, if you are Black, Asian, Hispanic, Mediterranean or mixed-race, then you are welcome to step up from amateur ‘baiting to the pros.

Ask Dr. Snee: A pregnant pause

What lurks below?Dear Dr. Snee,

I have a 12-year-old son who has recently started spending a lot of time in the bathroom. A lot of time. When I ask him what he’s doing, he refuses to look me in the eye and says that he “was just, you know, going to the bathroom.” As a mother, I’d like to believe him, but what kind of kid goes to the bathroom three times in one hour?! What should I do?


12-years-old, eh? Inordinate amount of time in the bathroom, you say? No complete sentences in this medical advice column yet? Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: A pregnant pause