The McBournie Minute: Ban acceptance speeches

For the past several years, my wife and I have gone to an Oscars viewing party hosted by friends. We all fill our ballots and eat and drink. The hosts are huge into movies, and have usually seen most, if not all, of the movies up for an award–even the foreign ones and animated shorts, which no one ever sees.

It reminds me that I haven’t seen that many movies, which I was already clear about this year. But it also reminds me that the show isn’t really for me, it’s for the cinephiles like them. That’s not necessarily a bad thing in theory. But take into account that ratings really sucked last night, which means we’re watching other things. We’re bored by award shows.

That’s why we need to ban acceptance speeches. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Ban acceptance speeches

Robs whatever a spider can

Perhaps Nicolas Maduro has a point.

The wall-crawler known as Spider-Man has gone by many names over the years: Peter Parker, Ben Reilly (boo!), Miguel O’Hara, Otto Octavius, Miles Morales, Peter Parquah, Max Borne, Pavitr Prabhakar, and Mac Gargan, just to name a few. We can now add Jonathan Hewson to the list.

But he battles not for the forces of good! No, Hewson allegedly, while dressed as everyone’s favorite neighborhood superhero, ran into a convenience store and demanded to know how much money was in a register. That’s it. Hewson was then scared off by his natural enemy, the stun gun. According to his roommate:

‘He’s a Spiderman enthusiast. He’s just a college kid and college kids tend to do strange things,’ he said.

If he was a real Spider-Man enthusiast, he’d keep getting bitten by spiders until he gets spider-powers, not wanting to know the contents of a register.

Dad is a True Believer in marriage

Don't make your father in law angry, Groom Man. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.
Don’t make your father-in-law angry, Doctor Groom. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

To help cover the costs of his daughter’s wedding, one dad has done the unthinkable: auctioning off his original copy of The Amazing Spider-Man volume 1. Published in 1963 and in good condition, the comic sold for $7,900, turning what had been Richard Schaen’s 12-cent investment into a dollar amount that shows just how far our princess fetish has gone.

Should the groom screw up, however, and the couple divorces, then Schaen has more rare issues to auction and fund his transformation into Angry Pop, arch-nemesis to the guy who broke his daughter’s heart made him sell his comics for nothing.

Those other comics, by the way? First issues of The Incredible Hulk. You’ve been warned, Doctor Groom.

Ghosts yearn for days of Broadway sensibility

Believe it or not, theatre (not to be confused with theaters, where the floors are only sticky with butter) is in a bit of trouble.

For some reason, Americans aren’t interested in live stage performances of movies they’ve already seen, like Legally Blonde, Les Miserables and Spider-Man.

The last in that list has already injured four people, three of which were “flying”-related.

This logically proves only one thing: Broadway ghosts have had enough of this Ice Capades s#@t, and they are not going to take it anymore.

Our heroes are criminals

We have some bad news for you, folks. Superheroes, once thought to be instruments of good in a world on a speedy moral decline, are actually bad. First, we find out that Captain America was arrested after putting a burrito in his pants and drunkenly harassing a woman, now the Los Angeles Police Department is rounding up superheroes.

Famous names like Spider-man, Batman and Michael Jackson are getting arrested for “unlicensed” portrayal of their characters in Hollywood. The official story is that these are street actors who stand outside places like Grauman’s Chinese Theater posing with tourists, but we know they are real. Now they’re in handcuffs, as if those can hold them.

This angers the guy who plays the Hulk, which actually works out well for him.

Worst. Comics thief. Ever

A comics thief tried to slip a [unintelligible amount of foreign currency] copy of the X-Men Omnibus into his bag in an Australian comic book store. And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for his irrational fear of friendly neighborhood Spider-Men.

The Spider-Man in question was actually mild-mannered comic store owner, Michael Baulderstone, who cannot actually weave a web anytime, yet still captured the unidentified thief just like a fly.

A gaggle of Jedi Knights blocked the door to prevent any escape, presumably via pumpkin bombing, and The Flash stood uselessly by. (Seriously, how often do you need a running guy?)

Police arrived on scene to haul the robber in. They did not have a key to the city to present at the time.

Take it from Snee: We, the world, say enough

Most of the Guys may be a little young to remember 1985-1986, the year when you couldn’t escape “We Are the World.” Well, I had to participate in several performances of it all the way up to 1989. (Some music experts credit elementary schools’ adoration of the song as the progenitor of “Kidz Bop.” Think about that.)

Well, the ghosts of Michael Jackson and Lionel Ritchie are at it again.

Dozens of “singers”–nearly twice the number of the 1985 recording–have been invited to remake the song, with a few modified lyrics, for Haitian earthquake relief.

You’re probably wondering why I think this charitable work is a bad idea (other than that I’m horrible person who hates everything). I’m glad you kind of asked: Continue reading Take it from Snee: We, the world, say enough

The McBournie Minute: Still churning out crap, just a different shade

I’m not really sure what kind of a world we live in, anymore–at least as far as movies are concerned. Judd Apatow makes a serious (and disappointing) movie, Johnny Depp and Michael Mann somehow manage to flop at the box office, and some alien-Guantanamo thing is #1. What the hell?

The country right now is all about sequels or related spin-offs. Just take a gander at Transformers 2: Revenge of the Volume Dial and G.I. Joe. Hasbro is trying to get their nostalgia products formed into a movie genre aimed at the 25 and under crowd, plus toy sales. I get that movie makers want to stick with franchises that work, but do we really need a G.I. Joe 2?

Instead, let’s go with another Hasbro toy: Play-Doh. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Still churning out crap, just a different shade

Everyone gets one

We make fun of a lot of things here at SG: the crazy parts of Japan, New Jersey, Germans, celebrities, just lots of things in general. But one thing we don’t make fun of are heroes.

No sir.

Unless they dress up to save people. Then they’re just weird. Or cosplayers.

Kind of like Sonchai Yoosabai. He dressed up like Spider-Man in order to coax an autistic student back into a building and off of a bridge. This is not unusual for the firemen of Thailand.

“Somchai said he keeps the Spider-Man costume and an outfit of Japanese television character Ultraman at the station in order to liven up school fire drills.”

Sounds like a lot of commitment to live up to. Not to mention possible copyright infringement. Hey Sonchai, can we at SG recommend that you educate kids with the rousing adventures of “Arachno-Dude” and “Fantastically Shiny Guy”?