Ghosts yearn for days of Broadway sensibility

Believe it or not, theatre (not to be confused with theaters, where the floors are only sticky with butter) is in a bit of trouble.

For some reason, Americans aren’t interested in live stage performances of movies they’ve already seen, like Legally Blonde, Les Miserables and Spider-Man.

The last in that list has already injured four people, three of which were “flying”-related.

This logically proves only one thing: Broadway ghosts have had enough of this Ice Capades s#@t, and they are not going to take it anymore.

Our heroes are criminals

We have some bad news for you, folks. Superheroes, once thought to be instruments of good in a world on a speedy moral decline, are actually bad. First, we find out that Captain America was arrested after putting a burrito in his pants and drunkenly harassing a woman, now the Los Angeles Police Department is rounding up superheroes.

Famous names like Spider-man, Batman and Michael Jackson are getting arrested for “unlicensed” portrayal of their characters in Hollywood. The official story is that these are street actors who stand outside places like Grauman’s Chinese Theater posing with tourists, but we know they are real. Now they’re in handcuffs, as if those can hold them.

This angers the guy who plays the Hulk, which actually works out well for him.

Worst. Comics thief. Ever

A comics thief tried to slip a [unintelligible amount of foreign currency] copy of the X-Men Omnibus into his bag in an Australian comic book store. And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for his irrational fear of friendly neighborhood Spider-Men.

The Spider-Man in question was actually mild-mannered comic store owner, Michael Baulderstone, who cannot actually weave a web anytime, yet still captured the unidentified thief just like a fly.

A gaggle of Jedi Knights blocked the door to prevent any escape, presumably via pumpkin bombing, and The Flash stood uselessly by. (Seriously, how often do you need a running guy?)

Police arrived on scene to haul the robber in. They did not have a key to the city to present at the time.

Take it from Snee: We, the world, say enough

Most of the Guys may be a little young to remember 1985-1986, the year when you couldn’t escape “We Are the World.” Well, I had to participate in several performances of it all the way up to 1989. (Some music experts credit elementary schools’ adoration of the song as the progenitor of “Kidz Bop.” Think about that.)

Well, the ghosts of Michael Jackson and Lionel Ritchie are at it again.

Dozens of “singers”–nearly twice the number of the 1985 recording–have been invited to remake the song, with a few modified lyrics, for Haitian earthquake relief.

You’re probably wondering why I think this charitable work is a bad idea (other than that I’m horrible person who hates everything). I’m glad you kind of asked: Continue reading Take it from Snee: We, the world, say enough

The McBournie Minute: Still churning out crap, just a different shade

I’m not really sure what kind of a world we live in, anymore–at least as far as movies are concerned. Judd Apatow makes a serious (and disappointing) movie, Johnny Depp and Michael Mann somehow manage to flop at the box office, and some alien-Guantanamo thing is #1. What the hell?

The country right now is all about sequels or related spin-offs. Just take a gander at Transformers 2: Revenge of the Volume Dial and G.I. Joe. Hasbro is trying to get their nostalgia products formed into a movie genre aimed at the 25 and under crowd, plus toy sales. I get that movie makers want to stick with franchises that work, but do we really need a G.I. Joe 2?

Instead, let’s go with another Hasbro toy: Play-Doh. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Still churning out crap, just a different shade

Everyone gets one

We make fun of a lot of things here at SG: the crazy parts of Japan, New Jersey, Germans, celebrities, just lots of things in general. But one thing we don’t make fun of are heroes.

No sir.

Unless they dress up to save people. Then they’re just weird. Or cosplayers.

Kind of like Sonchai Yoosabai. He dressed up like Spider-Man in order to coax an autistic student back into a building and off of a bridge. This is not unusual for the firemen of Thailand.

“Somchai said he keeps the Spider-Man costume and an outfit of Japanese television character Ultraman at the station in order to liven up school fire drills.”

Sounds like a lot of commitment to live up to. Not to mention possible copyright infringement. Hey Sonchai, can we at SG recommend that you educate kids with the rousing adventures of “Arachno-Dude” and “Fantastically Shiny Guy”?

And you thought the Obama-Spidey team-up was big

Sure, reading about Batman or Spider-man, or whatever Japanese crap Chugs reads, can be really entertaining, but let’s face it, you can only watch Peter Parker give Doc Ock a money shot to the sunglasses with web fluid so many times. What if–what if we could watch Secretary of State Hillary Clinton give that money shot instead?

Now you can do just that.

Bluewater Productions, a Washington, D.C. based publisher is releasing a line of comic books (most likely one-shots) about strong, independent females in politics. Supposedly, it’s about their life stories. You can watch each woman battle with her arch-nemesis. In Clinton’s case, the vast right-wing conspirators, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin will Palinize the gotcha media, Michelle Obama does battle with her husband’s shadow and Caroline Kennedy fights off reports she is cheating on her husband and withdraws her bid for a seat in the Obama cabinet.

There may even be talk of a comic book featuring Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, which would be a great move, if you ask us. Villains need there own books now and then.

The McBournie Minute: Desire smells like that to some people

Was your Valentine’s Day a little lacking? Are you just not happy with the tie you got this year? It’s time to return your cheap-o gift and get something you really want-body spray that smells like a burger from Burger King.

That’s right, with Flame, the new scent from BK, you can now make her mouth water just by walking into the room–bet that stopped happening after a month or so. Best of all, you can have it your way.

This got me thinking, what kinds of things would I like a woman to smell like? Clearly, they have never consulted us on this matter, because everything they wear smells like potpourri and aftershave. On top of that they wear deodorant that claims to have the power of platinum, which is one of the weakest metals known. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Desire smells like that to some people

Remote control robot cop still better than mall security

We are now one step closer toward a robot apocalypse and it’s all thanks to a Japanese robot firm Tmsuk Co. and Alacom Co.

You Japanese panda jerks.

They have developed a robot named T-34 that protects things like businesses from robbers when the establishments are closed. The way this “robo-cop” works is by detecting intruders using movement sensors, and then alerting the robot’s master by cell phone of the intruder’s arrival. The master can then operate the robot in real-time and launch a net that traps the intruder; also it can move as fast as 6 mph, which is way faster than most of our readers some of the guys some people on the internet can run.

According to the firms,

“We have basically designed the robot for corporate use and we expect private security companies to buy them instead of using human guards, but there will also be those tailored for use in homes,”

These firms almost certainly spent a lot of money developing the T-34, with its cell phone remote, sensors, and (relatively) quick speeds. But seriously, using a net to apprehend someone? That’s just plain ridiculous! How hard can it be to escape from a net?

  1. The robot isn’t Spider-Man.
  2. The net isn’t sticky or anything.
  3. We’re not fish, Japan.

Though just its ability to inform the authorities and confirm a break-in is good enough for most applications. I’m just saying, is all. Still, in order to save face against our future robot overlords, I will singlehandedly show them where plenty of ugly flesh-humans locate. The first ones being probably Japan, you know, for the whole “creation of the robot apocalypse” thing. Hey, it’s my life over yours.

Spider-Man: Does whatever a libruhl can

Following Sarah Palin’s attack on the media … to the media, other unfortunate GOP mouthpieces are tripping over their shoelaces to cry about unfair tactics.

The latest big nasty libruhl elitist? The Amazing Spider-Man.

Debbie Schlussel attacked the decidedly campy inauguration issue, where Spidey foils a plot by the Chameleon to ruin Obama’s big day, as “[embodying] their far-left ideology.” He almost got away with saving the President, if it wasn’t for “the fist bump!”

Look, folks, let’s get something straight here: they’re absolutely right. (Not just rightist.)

The news media is all written by one person, Al Peterson. (Notice the eerie similarity to Al Qaeda?) Al writes for all news media publications out there. If it doesn’t attack conservatives, then it’s not a news piece … because Al didn’t write it.

The same goes for comic books. All those writing credits and different publications are just a front for one actual comic book writer, and boy oh boy, does he hate Republicans. Sure, every president since FDR has been saved by every comic book superhero, but it’s all in how they do it.

For instance, it’s pretty cool to be saved by Spider-Man and be called a hero. It’s not so cool to be saved by Aquaman, who then asks you for cab fare back to the coast. (You know, because your economic policies failed.)

So, if you’ve been personally insulted today by news you didn’t want to read, chances are you’re a conservative, and yes, we will feel your pain. (Pussy.)