Man bitten by spider on penis for second time this year

If a deadly spider bites you, that’s bad. If a deadly spider bites you on your manhood, that’s really bad. If a deadly spider bites you on your manhood twice, take a hint.

The redback spider, related to the black widow, is one of the deadliest spiders in Australia. So when a man was bitten by one while using a portable toilet back in April, he counted himself as unlucky. But it happened again. The same man, who understandably doesn’t want to give out his full name, was bitten by another redback spider (or maybe the same one) again while using a portable toilet this week. He seems to be recovering just fine, but one had to wonder just what he’s trying to do to these spiders that make them bite him, and if he’s gotten any superpowers as a result. Maybe it’s a Jimmy Kimmel bit.

Also, an important cultural note: if you’re ever in Australia, never, ever sit down on a toilet, they are covering in spiders, and they flush the wrong way, too.

Ancient spider stands at attention for scientists

A single spider has been bragging for about 99 million years, according to researchers.

Researchers say a piece of amber found in Myanmar dates back to the days of the dinosaurs. And trapped for all eternity in that amber is a spider showing off his erection. It appears that two ancient daddy longlegs spiders decided to get it on, when they were blindsided by some tree sap. The discovery gives scientists a look at what spider penises looked liked.

In case you were wondering, the tip is shaped like a spatula. There’s an image for the next time you cook.

Spider tricks man into setting car on fire

This also took care of any nearby ants.
This also took care of any nearby ants.

Flames are generally the best way to eliminate any animal threat on land, but the smartest of our beastly enemies can use this information against us. Such a thing happened in Michigan.

According to reports, a spider sat on a car’s gas cap and waited until the owner needed to refuel. When the driver discovered the spider at a gas station, he used his lighter to kill the spider, and fell right into the arachnid’s trap. A fire erupted at the fuel pump, causing damage to the man’s car and the station itself. Luckily, it was put out before causing an explosion.

We may never know whether he got that spider.

Shelob, take the wheel

There's only one way to kill a spider in your car: hit it with a bus. Or nuke it from orbit.
There’s only one way to kill a spider in your car: hit it with a bus. Or nuke it from orbit.

In SeriouslyGuys’ ongoing coverage of the War on Animals, we’re guilty of focusing on the obvious enemies — typically bears and sharks. Those stories are sexy, with large animals that can easily crush a human between their jaws. But, we ignore the most insidious animals at our own peril.

For instance: this spider that caused a major car accident. It revealed itself inside of a woman’s car, just when she was about to pull out of the driveway. She jumped out of the moving vehicle while her nine-year-old son attempted to stop the car. He hit the gas instead of the brakes, and their car hit a school bus.

All-in-all, the spider was a failure. The boy only received minor head injuries, no one else was hurt and the world has one less Dodge Avenger to service every six miles for engine failure. And, if you think the mother overreacted, The Guys ask you: what is the resale value of a car once you know that a spider’s been in it? Nope dollars. That’s basic Kelley Blue Book, people.


Special thanks to Anthony S. for the link!

Blame properly assigned to the correct party in the wrong

It’s taken us MULTIPLE years, but by God, we finally did it!

A spider is officially the wrongful cause and party in a traffic accident!

That’s not just SG giving you the good work. No, Pennsylvania State Police are saying that a spider distracted driver Alek Tarr while he was behind the wheel of a 2004 Pontiac Grand Prix (side note: nothing good ever happens in a Pontiac Grand Prix). The arachnid, presumably trying to assassinate Tarr for some reason or another, was spotted, causing Tarr to take the car off the road and eventually spin out of control. Somehow, both Tarr and his passenger made it out of the crash without an injury. If there’s any justice on this planet, the spider will have made it out of the accident unhurt as well, if only so that it can have its day in court.

‘Pay no attention to that spider on top of the web!’

Don't even think about it, Blue Fairy. There are too many real spiders as it is.
Don’t even think about it, Blue Fairy. We know all about your hard-on for bugs, and there are too many real spiders as it is.

Phil Torres, a biologist and science educator, was leading one of his tours of the Peruvian rainforest when he discovered a spider … being controlled by another spider. It turns out that this possibly new species of the spider genus Cyclosa has taken the creepy in creepy crawly to the next level: puppetry.

Cyclosa spiders are known for making decoys in their webs using leaves, egg sacs and dirt. This one, however, actually crafts a full spider body — legs and all — out of the materials and uses web threads to make them move. Torres discovered 25 of them along the trail alone, with varying degrees of realism. (One of the spiders is experiencing a Cubist period.)

What’s most notable about the decoys is their size and placement. The decoys are nearly twice the size of the actual puppetmaster spiders, and they’re positioned at about human face-height. It’s clear that these compensatory analogues are meant for us humans, as if spiders weren’t terrifying enough.

Arachna-road rage

Construction has been halted on a highway underpass that would have resolved traffic congestion in San Antonio, Tex. Why did workers stop digging? Because somebody saw a spider.

Animals have borrowed a page from the U.S. Civil War, tying up Southern transportation lines with the only weapon at their disposal: the heebie-jeebies. Good luck getting anyone to shovel dirt when any trowel-full could lead to an underground spider cave.

The spider, a Braken Bat Cave meshweaver, is an endangered species that hasn’t been seen since it was first discovered 30 years ago. It’s blind, so that means it finds its way around by touching everything with its disgusting, spindly legs and mouth parts.

What we need now is an anti-environmental judge with a really big shoe to get roadwork started again.

Hipsters now topped as #1 most hated Oregon export

Congratulations! It’s been a long-time coming, but science has finally found something in Oregon that can officially top hipsters and free-range everything as the worst things to come from the state: a new spider.

And its legs are hooks. Hooks!

Please, species traitors spider-lovers, tell me just how we can love something with the name trogloraptor?

It’s this century’s equivalent of the JFK assassination

We’ve been informing the populace about a much-needed invasion: Sadiya, aka, the Bay of Spiders. We warned the world about the outbreak. We even warned the world about the potential monsters involved.

Now we’re being told it’s a hoax.

“There are no killer spiders in the area” is what’s being tossed around by supposed “experts.”

Both Dr Saikia and Chetia said there was no evidence of any spider species in Assam and the Northeast which could cause human deaths. “There is no evidence of any such spider in the region whose bite could lead to human death,” Dr Saikia said.

Any spider that’s alive is prove against that theory. Because if they could, they would eat you in a heartbeat.

Still not as cool as Mecha-Shiva

Dear Japan,

We know that you hate the rest of the world. That’s all fine and dandy. Nonetheless, stop trying to create robotic death machines in the shape of animals. Everyone knows that you’re totally teaming up with the animals in a bid to kill us all. Now you’re just totally refusing to even be subtle about it.

Sincerely,

The rest of the world.