If a deadly spider bites you, that’s bad. If a deadly spider bites you on your manhood, that’s really bad. If a deadly spider bites you on your manhood twice, take a hint.
The redback spider, related to the black widow, is one of the deadliest spiders in Australia. So when a man was bitten by one while using a portable toilet back in April, he counted himself as unlucky. But it happened again. The same man, who understandably doesn’t want to give out his full name, was bitten by another redback spider (or maybe the same one) again while using a portable toilet this week. He seems to be recovering just fine, but one had to wonder just what he’s trying to do to these spiders that make them bite him, and if he’s gotten any superpowers as a result. Maybe it’s a Jimmy Kimmel bit.
Also, an important cultural note: if you’re ever in Australia, never, ever sit down on a toilet, they are covering in spiders, and they flush the wrong way, too.
A single spider has been bragging for about 99 million years, according to researchers.
Researchers say a piece of amber found in Myanmar dates back to the days of the dinosaurs. And trapped for all eternity in that amber is a spider showing off his erection. It appears that two ancient daddy longlegs spiders decided to get it on, when they were blindsided by some tree sap. The discovery gives scientists a look at what spider penises looked liked.
In case you were wondering, the tip is shaped like a spatula. There’s an image for the next time you cook.
In SeriouslyGuys’ ongoing coverage of the War on Animals, we’re guilty of focusing on the obvious enemies — typically bears and sharks. Those stories are sexy, with large animals that can easily crush a human between their jaws. But, we ignore the most insidious animals at our own peril.
For instance: this spider that caused a major car accident. It revealed itself inside of a woman’s car, just when she was about to pull out of the driveway. She jumped out of the moving vehicle while her nine-year-old son attempted to stop the car. He hit the gas instead of the brakes, and their car hit a school bus.
All-in-all, the spider was a failure. The boy only received minor head injuries, no one else was hurt and the world has one less Dodge Avenger to service every six miles for engine failure. And, if you think the mother overreacted, The Guys ask you: what is the resale value of a car once you know that a spider’s been in it? Nope dollars. That’s basic Kelley Blue Book, people.
That’s not just SG giving you the good work. No, Pennsylvania State Police are saying that a spider distracted driver Alek Tarr while he was behind the wheel of a 2004 Pontiac Grand Prix (side note: nothing good ever happens in a Pontiac Grand Prix). The arachnid, presumably trying to assassinate Tarr for some reason or another, was spotted, causing Tarr to take the car off the road and eventually spin out of control. Somehow, both Tarr and his passenger made it out of the crash without an injury. If there’s any justice on this planet, the spider will have made it out of the accident unhurt as well, if only so that it can have its day in court.
Phil Torres, a biologist and science educator, was leading one of his tours of the Peruvian rainforest when he discovered a spider … being controlled by another spider. It turns out that this possibly new species of the spider genus Cyclosa has taken the creepy in creepy crawly to the next level: puppetry.
Cyclosa spiders are known for making decoys in their webs using leaves, egg sacs and dirt. This one, however, actually crafts a full spider body — legs and all — out of the materials and uses web threads to make them move. Torres discovered 25 of them along the trail alone, with varying degrees of realism. (One of the spiders is experiencing a Cubist period.)
What’s most notable about the decoys is their size and placement. The decoys are nearly twice the size of the actual puppetmaster spiders, and they’re positioned at about human face-height. It’s clear that these compensatory analogues are meant for us humans, as if spiders weren’t terrifying enough.
Construction has been halted on a highway underpass that would have resolved traffic congestion in San Antonio, Tex. Why did workers stop digging? Because somebody saw a spider.
Animals have borrowed a page from the U.S. Civil War, tying up Southern transportation lines with the only weapon at their disposal: the heebie-jeebies. Good luck getting anyone to shovel dirt when any trowel-full could lead to an underground spider cave.
The spider, a Braken Bat Cave meshweaver, is an endangered species that hasn’t been seen since it was first discovered 30 years ago. It’s blind, so that means it finds its way around by touching everything with its disgusting, spindly legs and mouth parts.
What we need now is an anti-environmental judge with a really big shoe to get roadwork started again.
Congratulations! It’s been a long-time coming, but science has finally found something in Oregon that can officially top hipsters and free-range everything as the worst things to come from the state: a new spider.
“There are no killer spiders in the area” is what’s being tossed around by supposed “experts.”
Both Dr Saikia and Chetia said there was no evidence of any spider species in Assam and the Northeast which could cause human deaths. “There is no evidence of any such spider in the region whose bite could lead to human death,” Dr Saikia said.
Any spider that’s alive is prove against that theory. Because if they could, they would eat you in a heartbeat.
We know that you hate the rest of the world. That’s all fine and dandy. Nonetheless, stop trying to create robotic death machines in the shape of animals. Everyone knows that you’re totally teaming up with the animals in a bid to kill us all. Now you’re just totally refusing to even be subtle about it.