Your spiders and goats are no longer welcome on American Airlines

It’s not often that we take the time to praise airlines for doing something good. That’s usually because the only do things that make us pay more and make the whole process of flying even more stressful. Not today. American Airlines is cracking down on animals on flights.

For far too long we’ve let freeloading animals on flights because they’re “emotional support animals,” well, those days are over? Looking to bring your emotional support spider on board with you? Tough cookies. The same goes for your goats, ferrets and reptiles. Even if they’re emotional support animals, a long list of creatures will not be allowed on American Airlines flights, starting July 1.

It’s about time we started getting tough on those needing emotional support.

Coming soon: Spider robots

When science is doing anything involving spiders, you know it’s a bad thing. But this news is twice as bad: researchers have taught a spider to jump so they can make robots.

Kim the regal jumping spider has been taught by scientists to jump on command, so that her agility can be studied, and one day, copied. The spider can jump six times its body length without a running start, and that’s something the researchers want to figure out, so that one day they can create robots that can do the same.

Folks, animals are dangerous enough as it is. Making robots that are like animals is even worse. One day you could have a robo-spider jump on you and take your freedom.

Apparently spiders can live for 43 years

Most people aren’t sad when a spider dies. But scientists aren’t most people.

Australian scientists are in mourning today following the report that a spider they had been observing died at 43. It is the oldest a spider has ever lived. Number 16, a trapdoor spider, was born in the wild in 1974, probably with a bunch of brothers and sisters. It was the subject of scientific observation for so long because it lived in the same burrow its entire life. Researchers, and this is true, have expressed sadness at Number 16’s passing.

Fellow spiders said Number 16 always thought he was being watched, until he couldn’t take the stress anymore and killed himself.

Australia seems mixed on the War on Animals

Australia is filled with crazy people and deadly creatures, and is pretty much deserted in the middle, which basically makes it Florida. And as the summer in the Southern Hemisphere wraps up, it seems like a good time to check in on our allies down under.

In Queensland, some fools decided to save a giant spider from flood waters. The whistling spider, also called the Australian tarantula, was dangling on a tree branch in an attempt to escape a flood, and some passersby decided to help it. Keep in mind this thing is larger than your hand and hisses. They then moved it to a tree in the center of town and probably thought they did a good deed. We can only hope that their arrests are forthcoming.

Also in Queensland, a family finally caught a deadly brown snake living in their yard with the use of a jackhammer. The snake, one of the most poisonous in Australia, had been living under some steps for months. They decided to jackhammer the concrete walkway outside their house to give the beast fewer places to hide.

The plan worked, and the snake was caught in just a couple hours. Well done, brave warriors.

Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes and spiders?

Guam, a tiny U.S. island in the South Pacific, is known for one thing and one thing only: a really nice golf course. Also: snakes. Ever since the brown tree snake was accidentally introduced to Guam in the 1940s, the species took off, having no natural predators and 12 native species of birds to eat.

Well, now Guam is down to two — count ’em: two — species of birds and plenty of snakes to go around. Oh, and did we mention spiders? Because, without birds to eat them, the spider population has exploded to 40 times more than that of other nearby islands. Scientists can’t even walk around the jungle without a stick to cut through the webs — they’re that thick, sometimes with dense swaths filling the gaps between trees.

So, the next time you see someone feeding the birds, shake their hand. That homeless person is on the front line, protecting us from a world of spiders, snakes and crawling skin.

Home Invasion, animal style

The war against our multi-legged enemies continues. Just when we thought we were making ground, the animals begin their invasion plots and in our most sacred areas! Not a place is safe!

Don’t let this continue. Stamp out any animals you see.

Someone call John Goodman

The scene: Sadiya, a town in India. The mood: terror. The situation: two innocent victims. The perp: terrifyingly deadly spiders.

The villagers were doing nothing antagonistic, simply celebrating a Hindu festival. Cue the swarm. Legion upon legion of eight-legged freaks appeared in the town, casting a web of horror. Scientists aren’t sure yet what could be the exact culprit. It’s guessed that it could be a tarantula, a wishbone or even a funnel-web spider.

Except, neither of those two are native to the area. In fact, there’s been no record of venomous spiders in the area. Ever.

This is clearly an insidious plot created by the animal kingdom. Create a new deadly weapon and test it on an unwitting population. Who are they, the Russians?

Take it from Snee: Be very afraid

When I read that a dead body had been found in one of the Los Angeles International Airports’ bathrooms, I said, “Thank God.”

What? That’s not good news? How do you figure?

I didn’t hear any of what you just said because this is text on your computer screen, but I will tell you why I feel better knowing that there was a corpse in the bathroom of a heavily trafficked public area: he made it.

What I mean is that, when I die, my body will release whatever waste is inside of it. I always figured that meant I was guaranteed to soil my pants, bed or coat closet. But, this guy made it to the bathroom before it could happen. I could make it too.

So, that’s one fear allayed of many. Let’s take a look at some of the others. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Be very afraid

Not exactly man’s best friend

We trust our pets far too much. We feed them, play with them, and give them shelter. We even talk to them. We end up getting lulled into a false sense of security, forgetting that they are animals. Like an uncle with a record, some family members are not to be trusted.

In England, a man complained his eyes were sore and he had sensitivity to light. Eye doctors found that he had tiny hairs from his pet tarantula in his eye. Did you know that those spiders can launch its barb-like hairs as a defense mechanism? They can. And you thought large spiders made such great pets.

God is on our side?

As a Catholic, this is scary to think about, but the evidence is there just the same: the pope is in league with the animals!

At a speech in Prague, Pope Benedict XVI had a spider crawling on him. It crawled all the way up the Holy Father’s robe and even on to his neck. Allegedly, the pope brushed the spider off, but it was seen riding on his robe as he left a historic church where the speech was made.

Just remember, all you Christians who believe that we shouldn’t hurt animals: God gave us dominion over the animals, and the only reason we’re here and not in Paradise in the first place is because of a snake (well, and a gullible woman).