Science says you’re afraid of snakes, spiders

There are a lot of questions we seek to answer as humans, and for all of the non-BS ones for people who act like philosophy matters, there is science. Let’s all thank the hardworking scientists who answered the question, “Are snakes and spiders scary?”

Turns out they are.

According to researchers, humans are wired to see these ugly creatures as scary, it helped keep our ancestors alive. How do we know this? Some scientists showed babies pictures of spiders and snakes and found that they have a natural negative reaction to them. That means that we’re probably born with it. Oh yeah? Then why does anyone live in Australia?

If you ask us, the scientists just wanted an excuse to show babies scary pictures.

Intercontinental war: Brazilian spiders invade U.K. home

Your home is your castle, especially if you have delusions of grandeur. It’s supposed to be a safe place. We take precautions to keep ourselves safe, but can we ever make ourselves truly safe? One couple in the U.K. found out that there is no defense from spiders.

According to reports, a British family of four found themselves under siege when an egg sac in a banana brought home from the grocery store spewed hundreds of baby Brazilian wandering spiders into their kitchen. A Brazilian wandering spider’s bite can kill you in a couple hours, or give you an erection lasting for four hours. Not wanting to roll the dice, the family fled.

They now plan to have the home fumigated, but the safest course of action here would be to simply burn the house down.

Spiders frame man for domestic abuse

There’s nothing funny about domestic abuse. But there’s also nothing funny about the War on Animals. This is a very serious post.

Just outside Sydney, Australia, police responded to calls from neighbors that there were angry death threats shouted by a man inside an apartment, as well as shrieks of fear in a higher pitch. The man who answered the door denied anything of the sort, despite being out of breath. He even denied that there was a woman in the house in the first place.

As it turns out, the man found a spider in his home, and “a really big one” at that. It was determined that he had been yelling at the spider, as well as screaming like a woman because he was terrified of it.

There is a happy ending to this story, though. The spider was killed.

Spiders seize town in Argentina

Proving that they can dominate summer headlines, too, spiders have started taking over towns.

In Argentina, one town has been covered in what locals call the “slime of the devil.” It’s a blanket of spider web that covers a large area and is only growing. Apparently a horde of spiders have descended on the town and are likely controlling it now. And they’re not alone. Spiders in London took over an intersection earlier this month.

This could be the most coordinated assault we’ve ever seen from the eight-legged monsters.

Spiders are adrenaline junkies, or bad at suicide

What separates mankind from animals are our GoPros.
What separates mankind from animals are our GoPros.

We should be flattered that our enemies try to imitate us so much, especially when it comes to extreme sports. For years now, flying squirrels have imitated our wing suits. Whales and dolphins imitate our freedivers. And now, spiders are joining in on the adrenaline rush, brah.

BASE jumping, which stands for something no one cares about, is the sport of jumping off a tall cliff or building, and pulling a parachute. According to a recent report, spiders in Peru and Panama are doing it, too. An entire genus of rain forest spider has been observed jumping from tall trees and sailing down to the base of the tree, grabbing some sick air all the way.

If spiders do it without a parachute, does that make them more extreme?

No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

"Angel hair": Australian for "g'yeeeeew!"
“Angel hair”: Australian for “g’yeeeeew!”

Look, Australia, we get it. You’re used to f*cked up animal events. If the War on Animals were a Vietnam War movie, you’d be the platoon wearing necklaces made from wallaby ears.

But calling the miles of silk left behind after millions of spiders travel as a single invasion cloud “angel hair?” That’s a level of comfort with our animal foe that we just cannot get behind.

Also, where are all those flamethrowers from the Mad Max movies? Now that’s how you handle a cloud of airborne spiders.

Don’t let science take away our fear

"[... The] only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and that fear is what will beat the snot out of the Nazis and anything with more than two legs."
“[… The] only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and that fear is what will beat the snot out of the Nazis and anything with more than two legs.”
The Guys have long been skeptical of science. For instance, if scientists are so sure about their theories and processes, then why do they always wear goggles? What’s the matter, nerds? Not sure how those combustible chemicals really work?

That’s why it’s especially concerning that doctors accidentally removed a man’s natural and necessary fear of spiders while also removing part of his brain that caused his seizures.

Before his surgery, he had arachnophobia, which is what keeps shoe manufacturers and newspaper publishers in business. Afterwards, he reportedly became fascinated by spiders. That’s not good. Fascination is a slippery slope to letting them live, and letting spiders live is how we all get creeped out by them.

He also reportedly became temporarily repulsed by music. Unfortunately, he regained music appreciation¬†before we could find out what “The Itsy-bitsy Spider” would do to him psychologically.

Spiders: The car’s natural enemy

Bugs are usually at the mercy of our mighty vehicles, but they are starting to turn the tables.

Suzuki is recalling some 19,000 cars because of spiders in the exhaust. Yes, the spiders have struck cars once again. According to the company, the Kizashi cars, which apparently exist, says that spider webs in the fuel vapor vent hose can clog things up and possibly lead to fires.

The good news is that should the your car catch fire, at least the little bastards that caused the problem will die with it.

Next time use a blowtorch

The one foolproof way to kill something is to use fire on it, unless it’s a dragon or something, those things love fire. When you see a spider, you may be tempted to burn it, but this is part of its game.

A woman in Kansas found this out when she saw a spider in her duplex. Wanting to kill the beast, she did the most reasonable thing and tried to burn the spider by setting towels on fire. Instead, she ended up getting a visit from the fire department. To make matters worse, she was even arrested for what she had done.

We have no word on the fate of the spider, but our guess is that if it survived it also eluded authorities, because spiders are sneaky like that.

Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes and spiders?

Guam, a tiny U.S. island in the South Pacific, is known for one thing and one thing only: a really nice golf course. Also: snakes. Ever since the brown tree snake was accidentally introduced to Guam in the 1940s, the species took off, having no natural predators and 12 native species of birds to eat.

Well, now Guam is down to two — count ’em: two — species of birds and plenty of snakes to go around. Oh, and did we mention spiders? Because, without birds to eat them, the spider population has exploded to 40 times more than that of other nearby islands. Scientists can’t even walk around the jungle without a stick to cut through the webs — they’re that thick, sometimes with dense swaths filling the gaps between trees.

So, the next time you see someone feeding the birds, shake their hand. That homeless person is on the front line, protecting us from a world of spiders, snakes and crawling skin.