Tag: sponsor

The World at War … with Animals!

Our boys are fighting bravely all over the world, including in our own backyards and crawlspaces. Remember: buy bacon, or you’re a damn dirty ape!

And now, briefs from the War on Animals.

Caged Bleat!
Connecticut authorities have locked up two goats in the state prison, sentencing them to hard labor. The goats were turned in by farmers who didn’t want them anymore, probably for domestic terrorist attacks against their cans.

PETA burns man alive!
Species traitors and terrorist organization PETA has claimed responsibility for the future cremation of an Oregonian Oreganoan Oregranarian a guy from Oregon. They have already announced how they will desecrate their victim’s remains with pithy slogans and their logo.

The least they could do after cooking him is to eat him. You know, Native American-style.

Presenting the new Apple iPresident

Just when we thought the looming threat of NASCAR had been contained to the redneckier parts of America, it appears that the sport managed to slip into Washington, D.C.–more specifically, into the U.S. Supreme Court.

In a 5-4 decision divided on the usual party lines, the Supreme Court ruled that corporations can “spend as much as they [want] to sway voters in federal elections.”

Now, a lot of people are upset about this … although they’re mostly people who don’t own corporations, so what do they know, right? They certainly aren’t looking on the bright side.

For instance: voters already complain that they can’t tell the difference between presidential candidates anymore, saying that they’re forced to select “the lesser of two evils.” Well, what if Pepsi endorsed one of them? BOOM! 50 percent of the population just voted for, “I’ll have a water, then.”

Best of all, candidates could actually coordinate their campaign slogans with their contributors. Jonathan Edwards could “clean up” his image with an endorsement from Tide. Or, he could show he’s learned his lesson about fathering inconvenient children with a giant Trojan backdrop behind his podium.