Olympic rings: Condom makers look forward to 2020 Games

We’re still two years away from the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo, but condom manufacturers in Japan are getting excited.

Olympics athletes are given condoms during the games to help promote safe sex. Japanese condom makers are ready for the chance to show off their products, which are just 0.001 millimeters thick. Japan boasts to have thinnest rubbers in the world, and it plans to show off its world-class product in Olympic village.

That means everyone is ramping up production now to make sure they have enough on hand when the games open. It really is an international celebration.

Mr. T is really into curling now

The Olympics are on, and that means the world is sitting down to watch a bunch of sports they ordinarily we would normally skip right past scrolling through our TV channels. In a week and a half, no one will care about bobsled or ice dancing.

But Mr. T is all-in on curling.




We are all Mr. T right now.

Why even bother with the coin toss?

Quick, think of the three people physically closest to you right now. If you’re alone, just think of three people you happen to know. Good. Now, do you believe that God decides the outcome of sporting events? If you answered “no,” at least one of the three people said “yes.”

According to a new survey by impartial-sounding Public Religion Research Institute, 27 percent of Americans believe that “athletes who believe in God will have good health and success.” This explains why a man who plays a game consistently on the Lord’s day, who was involved in the murder of another man, obstructed justice and then struck a deal with the victim’s family, is in the Super Bowl. He does thank God, after all.

Eat My Sports: Can’t spell ‘sports entertainment’ without ‘sports’

Bryan Schools is still learning what it’s like to go the rest of his life without sex, so I’m filling in for him this week. Here’s “Take These Sports from Snee and Eat Them.”

I’m not about to say that the entire sporting world is in trouble. But, certain teams and players could use a–ahem–boost:

That was the stands from last night’s Baltimore/Kansas City game at Camden Yard. Granted, it had rained all day and night, but even if you lived next door, would you bother to attend to watch the Orioles and the Royals? The title card alone sounds like it was pronounced by Foghorn Leghorn after a stroke.

They’re not alone. Detroit fans were already hesitant to spend money of Lions games, but now they’re abandoning the city and surrounding suburbs. How do you justify spending cash (we assume they still sell tickets) to a Kid Rock crowd?

You give them exactly why they watch Syfy and USA, and it’s not for Eureka or Psych; it’s for professional wrestling. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Can’t spell ‘sports entertainment’ without ‘sports’

Prom rescheduled due to drinking problem

Finally realizing that the prom was cutting into students’ weekend drinking hours, New York’s Pearl River High School moved the alcohol-free event to weeknights.

Thanks to the rescheduling, students will no longer be forced to make late night trips to the Jersey Shore or Manhattan night clubs, but can instead now start drinking at Happy Hour rates like normal human beings.

School officials are so impressed with their accommodation skills that they may also permit alcoholic students to skip graduation, which gives them more tailgating time during the long, arduous ceremony.

100 years of bouncing it across the plate

On Monday, there will be a new presidential tradition that has been around for 100 years. That’s right, in less than a week, President Barack Obama will throw out the ceremonial first pitch when the Washington Nationals host the Philadelphia Phillies.

This tradition dates back to 1910, when President William Howard Taft, the heaviest president we have ever had, threw out the ceremonial first pitch at a base-ball match sporting event. Now, a black, gangling president will throw out the pitch. My how times have changed. As they did 100 years ago, the press will be critiquing the president’s form and trying to interpret what his throw could mean should the Russians and the Japanese choose to tear up the Treaty of Portsmouth.

You Missed It: Spread of insanity edition

If you’re like me, you didn’t really celebrate St. Patrick’s Day on Wednesday–because you have a job that keeps you from getting wasted most weekday nights. I’m celebrating my Irish heritage by binge drinking this weekend–and next weekend. If you were busy cheating on Sandra Bullock, odds are you missed it.

Are you ready to watch an orange ball go through a hoop with a net attached?
The NCAA men’s basketball tournament, or as I call it, March Craziness (trademark), is now underway. This means that if you like basketball in any way, you will accomplish nothing at work for the next couple weeks. For some of us, it means paying attention to colleges we’ve never heard of. It also means it’s time to gamble on things like how hoarse(r) Dick Vitale will get if Duke does well.

Death by Biden
As previously mentioned, St. Patrick’s Day was celebrated by Catholics, Irish and drunkards around the world. In a ceremony with Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen Wednesday, Vice President Joe Biden honored the memory of Cowen’s mother–who, as it turns out, is still alive. In Irish tradition, Cowen broke down crying, lamenting the loss of his mother and ordered a hog’s head of whisky.

There’s always the reality show money
In “this thing still isn’t over with?” news, a judge decided that Anna Nicole Smith’s estate will not get the $300 million she had claimed was promised to her after her 90-year-old husband died. So, take that, 3-year-old whose mother and brother are dead, and whose father was identified by DNA test because there were several paternity candidates!

The big eyes alone make him worthy of being one

Students at the University of Mississippi have launched a campaign to replace their former Civil War era mascot, Colonel Reb, with the leader of the Rebel forces, Admiral Ackbar. But is it a trap? Officials at Ole’ Miss are leaning more towards, yes, “IT’S A TRAP!”

Oh c’mon, that was a lot of fun to say, even as someone who’s not a Star Wars geek.

Since 2003, the University of Mississippi retired Colonel Reb, the Ole Miss’ Colonel Sanders lookalike, as their on-field mascot. This year students voted on whether to begin the search for a new mascot, and surprisingly enough, the squid-eyed Supreme Commander of the Rebel fleet has garnered some serious press as a candidate, thanks in no small part to an internet campaign that went viral.

Even though there’s no chance in the world that Ole Miss’ administration will honor the vote if, in the slim chance that the good Admiral wins, the idea of him puttering around The Grove, slamming shots with Abercrombie & Fitch wearing frat boys is too ludicrously awesome for this reality.

You Missed It: Brief sighting edition

Reader, we’ve been together for quite some time now. We’ve had this relationship through You Missed It for nearly two years, and well, I just wanted to say how much I appreciate it. I bought you some flowers and a card to show how I feel. If you were busy saying that Jesus was gay, odds are you missed it.

Tiger spotted in the wild
Tiger Woods is sorry, America. He’s been doing a lot of thinking since the whole crazy, mixed-up Thanksgiving crash/golf club-related window removal incident. He told us so during a press conference this morning. Veronica Siwik Daniels, the adult film star mistress, brought her lawyer out for statement after Tiger’s, saying she needed an apology for all Tiger had done to her, including breaking her heart. Because when you’re a porn star and one of dozens of women sleeping with a married man and father of two, yes, you are the one who deserves an apology.

Reverse Palinization
Sarah Palin (yes, her again) and family spoke out against Family Guy for an episode this week featuring a character with Down syndrome claimed her mother was a former Alaska governor. As we all know, Palin is the one who decides who can and can’t say “retard.” (Hint: Rush Limbaugh = A-OK. Rahm Emanuel = No way, Jose.) The only problem was that the voice of the character, Andrea Fay Friedman, herself has Down syndrome, and said Palin clearly doesn’t understand the word “sarcasm.” Zing!

‘Wipeout’ no longer just a summer show
The 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics are underway, so far: one dead luger, several MedEvac’ed skiers, figure skating live every damn night, and a week’s worth of NBC’s botched coverage of the games. I don’t know, I just feel so freaking excited about this Olympiad. I think it’s going to be the best games we’ve ever seen!

Totally passing to @RandyMoss again

Another season, another set of NFL rules that will change the game as we know it. This season, the boys on the field will not only have to subject themselves to such media scrutiny day after day, but they will no longer be able to update their Facebook status until a half an hour after the game. Same thing goes for all social media.

Great! Now how am I going to find out what Tom Brady is doing when he’s in the huddle? His Twitter page was rather dull last season (“Owww my knee hurts. FML.” “Lolzers, I can haz another pregnant super model.”) so I’ve been really excited for the beginning of the new season.

Find a way, Tom. Find a way.