No longer on her majesty’s secret service

MI6 head, Alex Younger, just Lazenbied James Bond.
MI6 head, Alex Younger, just Lazenbied James Bond.

Bond, James Bond — the only spy we’ve ever heard of to tell everyone he meets the same name — is apparently no longer welcome to apply to MI6, the British intelligence agency.

Alex Younger, the head of MI6, stated that Agent 007 (001 in our hearts) “wouldn’t get through our recruitment process.” That, while Bond meets the standard for “patriotism, energy and tenacity,” he lacks “emotional intelligence” and doesn’t value teamwork or always respect the law.

Is it just us, or does this sound like the second Bond girl in every movie? Not the easy one, the one he ends up in the life raft with at the end? You keep playing hard to get, Mr. Younger. You’ll get your Spy Who Loved You soon enough.

Vultures are spying on you

Folks, there’s a new aerial threat out there, and we’re not talking about people with those stupid quadcopter drone things. Vultures are a serious threat the global security.

Long thought of as flying trash trucks or indicators of cartoon characters crawling through the desert, vultures have gotten a pass. But no more. The Lebanese government has arrested a vulture on suspicion of being a spy. No, really. The bird is believed to have left a wildlife preserve in Israel, and according to reports, it had some sort of deice on its back.

In related news, the city of Lima, Peru, has put GoPro cameras on vultures under the guise of catching citizens illegally dumping their trash.

Folks, this is bad news. Governments are using animals to track us and enslave us. They have gone over to the other side.

Wikileaks finally becomes useful

Fun fact: if you don’t assume every industrialized nation has a spy agency, then you’re a bit naïve.

The Sydney Morning Herald is reporting a Wikileaks revelation that Japan is indeed using an intelligence agency to spy and keep an eye on North Korea and China.

Apparently the intelligence agency has been in effect since 2008, moving slowly forward for fear of political repercussions. Also, because of the whole spy thing. According to the Japanese embassy, progress has also been slow because of a lack of “knowledge, experience, and assets/officers.” Again, also because of the whole spy thing. The agency is being modeled on the American CIA, the Australian Secret Intelligence, and Britain’s MI6. And once more, again, because of the whole spy thing.

One of the primary concerns for Japan was their lack of intelligence regarding the actions of Kim Jong-Il, and rightfully so. Between militaristic threats from the country and suspicious missile testing, Japan is justified in their worry.

What Wikileaks hasn’t revealed yet is just what the weapon cache that the spy ninjas are using. Because their spies are TOTALLY ninjas.