Squirrels are the worst thing in the world. (Yes, worse than cancer.) They cause car accidents, they cause power outages, they invade our homes, and yet there has never been a single squirrel charged or convicted of its crimes. Go ahead, look it up.
In Canada, a couple returned home from a five-week vacation (remember, this is Canada) to find that their house had been ransacked. Authorities conducted a thorough investigation, and determined that a squirrel got in and ate anything it could.
Of course, after the squirrel was caught and released without a single charge.
The U.S. Navy is building robots, which isn’t exactly news. But the robots were kept to operations in the water, which fortunately isn’t where humanity lives. But now things are changing.
We have recently learned that the Navy is working on a robot squirrel–no, not a sea squirrel, which we assume is a thing. This robot is going to walk on land. The military said if successful, the robot would be used for reconnaissance. That’s right, the Navy is developing a robot based on the most annoying mammal in the world, and plans to use it to spy on people.
We’re beginning to wonder if the Navy is secretly run by animals.
We now live in a world where our animal foes can shut down the government. Let thank sink in for a moment.
Last week, a Vermont Senate committee was discussing marijuana legalization (we thought it was legal there, too) when all of a sudden, the lights went out. It turned out that a squirrel took out a transformer powering the statehouse. There’s no two ways about it, folks, this is terrorism. Our animal foes are seeking to drive our policies by striking fear into the hearts of elected officials.
Apparently they are also against legalizing pot. We will not let the terrorists win.
We start off the new year on a terrifying note: squirrels in Florida are mutating.
Reports are coming in from eyewitnesses that a group of white squirrels now inhabit a barrier island in Florida, and authorities don’t have answers. In fact, they’ve never heard of these white creatures before. All they do know is that they’re not albinos, as they aren’t pure white.
We expect any day now that they will make their demands known.
Just days after trying to ruin a city’s Christmas tradition, squirrels are now terrorizing our children.
In California, a squirrel got into an elementary school classroom and began attacking the teacher, biting her on the shoulder. The teacher then threw the squirrel off of her, and it soon found a student to bite. The janitor was eventually able to corral the beast.
The school principal had to send a letter home to parents about the incident, and authorities say the park has issues with aggressive squirrels. As part of an obvious attempt at a cover-up, authorities say the squirrels are aggressive because people feed them, not because they are all plotting against us.
Florida is probably top of the list of states under siege in the War on Animals. They’ve got alligators, sharks, spiders, etc. And then there are the invasive boa constrictors and iguanas and such. So you’d think Floridians would be all about combating their enemies. They are not.
A man in Florida had had it with the squirrels in his neighborhood, and decided to take the fight to them. He began patrolling the area with a BB gun, which seems like it would be commonplace in Florida, but it got the residents nervous. The police were called, and the man was warned that he can’t stalk or hunt squirrels.
Folks, when a god-fearing redneck state like Florida cracks down on fighting our animal foes, it makes you re-evaluate whether this war is winnable.
Legally, spring is here, even if it’s still snowing in some parts of the country. And that means our deadly foes are waking up from their long winter’s naps and plotting our destruction once more. Now they’re after our elderly.
In New York City, a squirrel broke into an 89-year-old man’s house undetected. She then burrowed into his couch and had babies. Since it was his house, and the squirrel had failed to ask permission to enter, much less give birth there, the old man began forcibly removing the squirrel family, when the mother attacked him.
Luckily, he fought off the tree rat and was treated at a nearby hospital. The squirrels have a date with the exterminator.
You probably know that the grey squirrel, common throughout much of North America, is one of the biggest threats we face every day, but you may not know that they have invaded the U.K. and are wreaking havoc there, too.
In the city of Chester, a woman was attacked by a squirrel, in that it climbed into her purse and wouldn’t leave. The authorities were called, and they removed the offending tree rodent from the purse. However, they did not arrest the unsuccessful robber. In fact, they let the thing go, which is illegal.
Yes, the police failed to charge a criminal with a crime, and then committed a crime themselves by letting it go free.
Sometimes in war, the lines get confused. It’s not so easy to tell who we’re fighting and who is on our side. Today is one of those days.
In Florida, a teen was out walking on a trail with is mom (because apparently that’s something you do for fun down there) when a bold squirrel came up to him. He was able to coax the squirrel to stay long enough to take a selfie with him. Seconds after that, the squirrel attacked him, and his mom was able to snap a picture of it.
We have to rule that the selfie was canceled out by the animal attack. Two wrongs wiped each other out.
The people of Fort Wayne, Indiana don’t have much to look forward to, after all, they live in Indiana. But one thing that has kept them going is the construction of a new community center, scheduled to open in June. Then the animals found out about it.
A single squirrel managed to cause $300,000 worth of damage to the community center. According to authorities, the tree rodent, having no regard for its own life, infiltrated the complex’s electrical system and caused a power surge. That killed three HVAC systems and damaged the boiler system.
There can be no doubt that Fort Wayne residents are in mourning, but at least they can take solace in the fact that the squirrel did not survive the attack.