Aggressive squirrels are out to get you, university warns students

When students at Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis return to campus this month, they will be walking onto a battlefield, and the university wants them to know it.

The university sent out a warning to students to avoid aggressive squirrels that are trying to take over the campus. Squirrels are dirty and can carry some nasty diseases, so students should stay away from them as much as possible. IUPUI blames the aggressive squirrel problem not on the worldwide attempt by animals to overthrow humans for domain over Earth, but on the students themselves.

It claims that people have been feeding the squirrels, which means they lose their fear of us and start to demand food. Then they get aggressive and go after people. And then the whole school gets the plague.

Squirrels declare war on Christmas

Aside from the Cat in the Hat, most non-human Dr. Seuss characters aren’t a clearly defined animal. But we now know that the Grinch is a squirrel.

In Canada, a town near Toronto has had its holiday nights cut by squirrels, because the real War on Christmas is fought between humans and animals. The town had lights in the trees around one of its parks for all to enjoy during the Christmas season. But now, the park is dark because squirrels have chewed through the wires.

The town is standing strong against the animal onslaught, installing multicolored flood lights to get the park looking festive again.

Squirrels declare war on Christmas

The city of Norwalk, Connecticut is in disarray after one of its most time-honored traditions became a target by our worst enemies: the animals.

Locals are planning to gather at City Hall tonight to watch the annual Christmas tree lighting, but there’s a chance it won’t happen because of sabotage. Workers setting up the tree found that several strands of lights they had recently put up were chewed through by squirrels. The most likely reason is to disrupt the tranquility we feel in holiday traditions, but there’s another side here.

What if the squirrels are chewing away at the wiring to harvest the copper, then sell it back to us to finance their operations?

Camping now comes with a risk of the plague

The animals have been waging biological war on us for as long as we’ve existed. The birds, rats, monkeys and bugs give us all sorts of diseases. Even farm animals like chickens give us a pox. But the worst that beasts ever gave us was the plague. And now it’s back.

At a time when Americans are trying to squeeze the last bits of fun from the waning summer, squirrels have launched an attack at Yosemite. Authorities were forced to shut down two campgrounds at Yosemite National Park after two dead squirrels tested positive for the plague. A kid has even been taken to the hospital after coming down with the once-deadly disease.

Nice try, beasts of the forest. Going medieval doesn’t work on us anymore.

Appartment complex stops coddling the enemy

Finally, we are getting some support from Washington, even if it is just from the suburbs.

In Arlington, Virginia, just a bit over a mile from D.C., one apartment complex has had enough with squirrels, and all those who help them. After 18 years of battling break-ins, vandalism and other forms of harassment from the tree-rodents, Washington and Lee Apartments, located directly behind Arlington National Cemetery, is cracking down on the creatures, as well as those who give aid and comfort to the enemy.

The complex is threatening “legal action and fines” for anyone who feeds the local squirrel population. And so they should! For far too long mankind has allowed these glorified rats to exist. It is time for their extinction, and where better a place to start than in the shadow of the Washington Monument?

A villain is a villain, no matter the size

First, they take our trees.

Then, they took our nuts.

Now, they’re trying to take our cars!

Shall we allow this to continue any longer? To you, you and you, the Guys say thee nay. Lend use your axes, your pellet guns, your rednecks! Lend them to us and when we return from Martin County in Florida, we shall dine on squirrel.

Nuts taken, squirrels now on the lam

80,000 pounds of walnuts were stolen in the last two weeks from Tehama County in California. Who would do such a thing? Who … or what?

Two nut companies that bought approximately 40,000 pounds of walnuts each from a company in California have reported the shipments stolen. Police have deemed a delivery driver of the Russian accent variety as a possible suspect. But come on. Selling walnuts on the black market? That’s just dumb, even if the Russian mob creates an artificial shortage to do so.

Oh sure, it turns out that the man who picked up the nuts wasn’t the guy who was supposed to do so at all. Regardless, I suspect that the criminal mind involved in this theft is not of the two legged variety, but of the four legged variety. That’s right squirrels, I’m accusing you of such criminal misconduct!

While I’m not particularly keen on walnuts (I am of the belief that brownies and banana bread are made that much better without them), other humans enjoy them, and that’s all I need to know. Return the nuts, unchanged or bothered, and we may be lenient on you. Maybe.

Remember: skulls make excellent cups

When you shot and killed your turkey this Thanksgiving, did you really end up using the whole bird? If you’re like The Guys, you kept the head as a trophy, put the gizzard in formaldehyde until you can figure what the hell it’s for, and used the feathers to fluff up that pillow that’s been bothering you. Then you made a xylophone with its bones.

When we kill animals, especially when we do it legally, we find uses for all the parts of the animal we offed. Luckily, corporations are catching on to this trend, too. Companies these days are all about finding ways to sell the parts of the beasts that we don’t like to eat or clothe ourselves with. They’re all about turning the fat into soap, making diesel fuel, they’re even going all soilent green and putting real chickens in the chicken feed.

We here at SG just want to encourage all of you to do the same. Remember, if you kill enough squirrels, you can make a homeless man a coat that could save his life.

Our strategy is working!

Today is a day of hope, a day of change. Why is that? Because today we would out we’re killing our enemies!

Teams of dedicated warriors have been picking up acorns across the U.S. in an effort to rid our country (eventually, the world) of the squirrel manace. And all over the country, acorn “crops” are down, which means the squirrel population is going to be culled this year, and if we keep up our hard work, they just might end up extinct one day.

But until then, we can certainly look forward to squirrel cannibalism.