80,000 pounds of walnuts were stolen in the last two weeks from Tehama County in California. Who would do such a thing? Who … or what?
Two nut companies that bought approximately 40,000 pounds of walnuts each from a company in California have reported the shipments stolen. Police have deemed a delivery driver of the Russian accent variety as a possible suspect. But come on. Selling walnuts on the black market? That’s just dumb, even if the Russian mob creates an artificial shortage to do so.
Oh sure, it turns out that the man who picked up the nuts wasn’t the guy who was supposed to do so at all. Regardless, I suspect that the criminal mind involved in this theft is not of the two legged variety, but of the four legged variety. That’s right squirrels, I’m accusing you of such criminal misconduct!
While I’m not particularly keen on walnuts (I am of the belief that brownies and banana bread are made that much better without them), other humans enjoy them, and that’s all I need to know. Return the nuts, unchanged or bothered, and we may be lenient on you. Maybe.
When you shot and killed your turkey this Thanksgiving, did you really end up using the whole bird? If you’re like The Guys, you kept the head as a trophy, put the gizzard in formaldehyde until you can figure what the hell it’s for, and used the feathers to fluff up that pillow that’s been bothering you. Then you made a xylophone with its bones.
When we kill animals, especially when we do it legally, we find uses for all the parts of the animal we offed. Luckily, corporations are catching on to this trend, too. Companies these days are all about finding ways to sell the parts of the beasts that we don’t like to eat or clothe ourselves with. They’re all about turning the fat into soap, making diesel fuel, they’re even going all soilent green and putting real chickens in the chicken feed.
We here at SG just want to encourage all of you to do the same. Remember, if you kill enough squirrels, you can make a homeless man a coat that could save his life.
Today is a day of hope, a day of change. Why is that? Because today we would out we’re killing our enemies!
Teams of dedicated warriors have been picking up acorns across the U.S. in an effort to rid our country (eventually, the world) of the squirrel manace. And all over the country, acorn “crops” are down, which means the squirrel population is going to be culled this year, and if we keep up our hard work, they just might end up extinct one day.
But until then, we can certainly look forward to squirrel cannibalism.