Now your beer can sparkle, contain a message

Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, when people do awful things to beer, like dying it green or dropping a shot of whiskey into it. Or both. But this year, there are some new awful things you can do to your brew.

Have you ever ordered a pint, looked at the head and thought, “I wish there was something witty written there?” You’re in luck. Now you can print images and text on the foam of your beer with Beer Ripples. Our suggestion: “I’m Not Usually A Beer Drinker.”

And for those who want to take a sip of a pint and look like they had a lap dance, there’s glitter beer. Some breweries are offering brews with edible glitter in it. The best news here is that when you have the beer s&^ts the next day, you’ll sparkle.

The McBournie Minute: Why Boston is a twofold shrine on March 17

If you were out celebrating St. Patrick’s Day over the weekend, I’ll do my best to write as quietly as possible. I’d even recommend that you turn down the brightness on your screen. You went out and celebrated the approximate date of birth of a Scot who spread Catholicism to the Irish. Any saint would want you to celebrate them by committing a mortal sin by hoisting a glass or eight.

The other big way to celebrate is by dressing somewhat Irish. I dress in relation to occasion for every holiday. At Christmas, I wear a Santa Claus hat, at Valentine’s Day, I wear nothing but a diaper and shoot pink-tipped arrows at passers-by, and on Arbor Day I stand motionless outside from a long time.

But there are other ways to go about celebrating St. Paddy’s Day. For the Boston Police, it’s all about breaking out the paddy wagon (which has to be deemed a racist term by now). Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Why Boston is a twofold shrine on March 17

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Leprechaun’

For some time now, I’d been mulling over the best way to return to writing b-movie reviews. I searched long and hard for a film important enough and with such a profound influence on modern cinema that it deserved to have attention drawn to it. After days of trying to think of the perfect way to celebrate my triumphant return, I sprung from my bath just as the great scientist Archimedes did all those years ago and yelled, “Eureka! I think I have it!”.

Not only that, but I get to celebrate my Mom’s birthday (Happy Birthday, Mom!) AND Saint Patrick’s Day? Well, there’s only one way, people.

Prepare for Leprechaun. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Leprechaun’

You Missed It: Spread of insanity edition

If you’re like me, you didn’t really celebrate St. Patrick’s Day on Wednesday–because you have a job that keeps you from getting wasted most weekday nights. I’m celebrating my Irish heritage by binge drinking this weekend–and next weekend. If you were busy cheating on Sandra Bullock, odds are you missed it.

Are you ready to watch an orange ball go through a hoop with a net attached?
The NCAA men’s basketball tournament, or as I call it, March Craziness (trademark), is now underway. This means that if you like basketball in any way, you will accomplish nothing at work for the next couple weeks. For some of us, it means paying attention to colleges we’ve never heard of. It also means it’s time to gamble on things like how hoarse(r) Dick Vitale will get if Duke does well.

Death by Biden
As previously mentioned, St. Patrick’s Day was celebrated by Catholics, Irish and drunkards around the world. In a ceremony with Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen Wednesday, Vice President Joe Biden honored the memory of Cowen’s mother–who, as it turns out, is still alive. In Irish tradition, Cowen broke down crying, lamenting the loss of his mother and ordered a hog’s head of whisky.

There’s always the reality show money
In “this thing still isn’t over with?” news, a judge decided that Anna Nicole Smith’s estate will not get the $300 million she had claimed was promised to her after her 90-year-old husband died. So, take that, 3-year-old whose mother and brother are dead, and whose father was identified by DNA test because there were several paternity candidates!

Ask Dr. Snee: Got any Irish in you?

Today is St. Patrick’s Day.

And when I think of St. Patrick’s, I think of not pulling out during my annual night of leprechaun-themed sex. (There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for love, unlike certain Meat Loafs.)

Based on your letters, though, most of you think about drinking. Is St. Patrick’s a drinking holiday? I’ve been known tip a keg back for Bastille Day, but imbibing alcohol on a religious day? You people are weird.

Nevertheless, it is my doctorly duty to never turn away a patient until their insurance company says it’s OK. So, let’s get to your questions.
Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Got any Irish in you?

Arguably the best food-chasing holiday

Yes, it might be St. Patrick’s Day, but I’m sad, folks. I’m sad because the Gloucester, England Whitsun cheese rolling has been canceled this year due to safety concerns. Can you imagine?

What can be deemed unsafe about chasing a 7-lb. wheel of cheese down a steep hill? It’s a 200-year-old tradition in England, like the running of the bulls, the only difference is that the cheese doesn’t have horns. Apparently, a bunch of dudes running and falling and rolling end over end down a hill is dangerous.


The McBournie Minute: NY Post hates the Irish

Everyone knows about the New York Post cartoon that caused so much controversy last Wednesday. It has angered African Americans across the country. I know what you’re thinking, yet another story about that cartoon. Well it’s not my fault things happen a day or two after my column comes out. Even so, no one’s talking about how this is offensive to my people.

The cartoon shows a dead chimp after being shot by two cops, who proceed to make gleeful cracks about the stimulus bills, as cops are wont to do. This is offensive to black people, according to people like Rev. Al Sharpton, because they have been portrayed as primates for hundreds of years. Plus, a man who is half black just happens to be in the White House supporting the stimulus bills.

You know who else has been portrayed as apes? The Irish. It’s not something people talk about because people don’t want to get our Irish up, but yes, for centuries, especially in the 1800s and early 1900s in the U.S., Irish Americans and Irish immigrants were frequently drawn as a sub-human species in political cartoons. How tragic for this cartoon to come out just before March, better known as Irish History Month. Irish is the new black. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: NY Post hates the Irish

France may surrender to Big Sobriety

Etienne Apaire — “head of a government body in charge of the fight against addiction to drugs or alcohol” — is shocked, SHOCKED, by the findings of recent alcohol surveys.

“He said research conducted in 2005 showed about one in four French 17-year-olds reported getting drunk at least three times in the previous 12 months, while one in 10 said they had got drunk 10 times or more.”

That’s right: one-quarter of all French 17 year-olds get drunk three times a year. (We’re guessing that New Year’s Eve, St. Patrick’s Day and Bastille Day are those three days.)

As such, Apaire has proposed to end Happy Hour, as if French drunks aren’t morose enough. Worse yet, he might not even be French because he’s suggested that French youth drink beer instead. Sacrebleu!

These Founding Guys could not be reached for comment.

The McBournie Minute: The Irish don’t mind stereotypes

March is one of my favorite months of the year. It’s not because the temperatures start warming up and it seems spring is in the air. No, it’s because every weekend is a celebration of St. Patrick’s Day.

Being Irish, this is one of the proudest moments I can ever have. People everywhere in the country start wearing green and act like they can find this island nation on a map. They then proceed to drink until the green beer comes back up again. It is perfectly alright for people to dress up as leprechauns, talk in fake accents and wear outrageous outfits, because stereotyping the Irish is acceptable. It is also acceptable to reinforce those stereotypes, by drinking into oblivion. But why can’t other nationalities be more like the Irish? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The Irish don’t mind stereotypes