Take it from Snee: March is White History Month

BET gets it.
BET gets it.
For years, white people have wondered when we would get our own history month. As we look around from the window of not-a-jail-cell, we see Black History Month, Black Entertainment Television, the Source Awards, and yet all we get are some lousy Oscars, 42-out-of-43 presidents and rehab.

Well, it’s high time we bucked up. There is a White History Month, Virginia, and there’s only a week left of it. So, let’s get celebrating!

[OK, so if you’re new to this site, you’re probably here to explain why we don’t need a White History Month. And, I agree with you: the other 11 months of the year work just fine as is, and giving honkies our own month is one of those lame #ALLlivesmatter responses to merely suggesting we learn about anyone else’s contributions to the world.

But, if we look at actual behavior, then I think we can all agree that there is a White History Month. And it’s definitely March.]

So, why March …?  Continue reading Take it from Snee: March is White History Month

You Missed It: Waterworks edition

Umpires were unable to find any foreign substances on Obama's glove, and the game was allowed to continue.
Umpires were unable to find any foreign substances on Obama’s glove, and the game was allowed to continue.

Welcome to the worst time of year. The holidays are over, your bank account is recovering from the shopping binge, and the weather sucks. The weather’s going to suck for months because it’s the beginning of winter and there’s nothing to look forward to. Really, the only thing on the horizon is Valentine’s Day, and unless you’re a woman, it’s not something to get excited about. Hunker down, keep your whiskey supply up, and keep waiting for St. Patrick’s Day. If you were busy watching a crime documentary show this week, odds are you missed it.

Mourning in America
During a speech about gun control measures being enacted through executive order, President Barack Obama shed a tear when he mentioned the children who were murdered in Newtown, Connecticut three years ago. Conspiracy theorists say Obama wiped Bengay under his eye in order to coax out a tear for cameras. This is how bad the far-right internet has gotten: John Boehner can cry and lactate 20 times a day over nothing, but the president can’t get emotional talking about dead little kids. Wouldn’t it be easier to just call Obama out for being a robot sent to destroy America?

Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb this week, but experts aren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marks another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.

‘Dear Mom, camp is great. Send snacks.’
Militiamen continued their “occupation” of a small federal park building in Oregon in protest of land rights or something like that. But it turns out they didn’t pack accordingly. Dumbasses, who have threatened violence against authorities, have asked supporters to send them supplies, as they didn’t pack enough to keep them fed for a long stay. Chipotle has responded by sending all of its salmonella-tainted burritos.

Drink yourself sexy

If you’ve had a couple in today’s revelry, you may be the most attractive person in the bar, according to a new study.

Researchers found that if a person has a glass or two of wine, their image is more attractive to other people than if they were sober. Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean double-fisting makes you sexy, it means that subtle changes in your appearance after a drink or two (read: a smile) makes you more attractive. Another downside is that if you’ve had more than a couple drinks, your attractiveness goes down.

No research has been done on whether it goes back up again after 8 or 9 drinks. So, let’s just assume for now it really does help.

Las Vegas now employs leprechauns in police force, because why not?

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Over on the West Coast, in the vaunted city known as Las Vegas, the St. Patrick’s Day parade was already held on Friday. For non-residents, this might have been odd to witness. Couple that with the excessive amounts of drinks that can easily be consumed, multiplied by the unusually early amounts of green being displayed, then taken to an exponential power due to the extraordinary heat that can be found in Vegas, and people probably saw leprechauns.

Which they did. Right beside the police marching in the parade.

The police force employed individuals to dress up as the munchkin people in order to enforce driving laws. Drunk people, now seeing leprechauns, what were normally their friends, now teaming up with their enemies, the police, had to be massively confusing.

Drugs legal in Ireland for a day, now you can see leprechauns

This blog would never encourage you to do anything illegal. Which is why if you’re reading this in Ireland, stop immediately, and go do some drugs.

That’s right, thanks to a court ruling and a loophole in Irish drug laws, ecstasy, mushrooms, ketamine and other drugs are completely legal–until Thursday. An Irish judge has found one of the country’s biggest drug laws unconstitutional, which means that of the Class A drugs, which probably means most of the hard stuff, is temporarily legal.

Saint Patrick’s Day has come early for the Irish. In case you forget what’s legal on your way out to buy drugs, here’s a helpful song. (Last 30 seconds NSFW.)

The McBournie Minute: St. Paddy’s Day is apparently in the summer

If you’re into drinking on Mondays, today is a big day for you. Once again we’ve reached St. Patrick’s Day, the one day anyone wears green, in honor of a Scotsman who invaded a country, saw there were no snakes, and claimed to have driven them out himself.

In Ireland, so I am told, today isn’t really a big deal. Sure, it’s cause for celebration, but the pubs used to be closed for the day until the 1970s because it’s a Catholic feast day. So really, the Irish go out and drink, but they don’t get as crazy as we do here in America.

Then again, maybe they can just hold their booze better. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: St. Paddy’s Day is apparently in the summer

You Missed it: Small caliber edition

They’re so cute when they’re little.

It’s a great time to be alive, people! Today, if you live in North America, is Pi Day, because it’s 3/14. Man, math humor just always kills. It’s also another holiday for guys, but we won’t get into that because your boss could be looking over your shoulder. On top of that it’s what Guinness is calling “St. Patrick’s Weekend.” So basically, your liver has a lot of work ahead of it. But before you get started, read this. If you were busy relaunching a Carl Sagan show this week, odds are you missed it.

This is my son, Bushmaster
No one names their kids anything normal anymore, but things are getting worse. According to a recent analysis of baby names, there’s a new trend of people naming their offspring after firearms. No, really. Barrett, Beretta, Browning, Cannon, Colt, Gauge, Gunner, Kimber, Magnum, Remington, Ruger, Savage, Shooter, Trigger and Wesson are all name trends. These parents probably name their guns “Steve.”

Better odds of getting a Batman or Iron Man
Hold on to your monocle for this one: America has more millionaires now than it ever had before. According to a recent study, in 2013 the number of U.S. millionaires jumped to 9.6 million, adding 600,000 from 2012. It’s also higher than the previous record of 9.2. million, which was set in 2007. You can probably guess what happened to those numbers in 2008. I’d like to personally congratulate all of our millionaire readers on their good fortune, and suggest that they all check out our merch.

Take 2
Walter Williams, the Mississippi man who made headlines when he woke up in a body bag a couple weeks ago, died this week. Or did he?

That [Irish] Pride Parade

With Sam Adams no longer participating in Monday's St. Patrick's Day Parade, the people of South Boston will likely phone in their obnoxious, destructive behavior.
With Sam Adams no longer participating in Monday’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade, the people of South Boston will likely phone in their obnoxious, destructive behavior.

As Boston gears up for Monday’s St. Patrick’s Day parade, there will be a few notable absences this year. Boston Mayor Martin J. Walsh will not attend unless the South Boston Allied War Veterans Council, which sponsors the parade, allows gay veterans to openly march in the parade.

Good for Mayor Walsh, but a parade can live without a mayor. Attending a parade sober, however? Now that’s unthinkable, but likely the reality because Sam Adams has also pulled out of the parade.

Look, Boston. It’s one thing to keep the gay people in your city under wraps for St. Paddy’s. But have you seen a pride parade? How the hell are you gonna compete with that without beer?

The McBournie Minute: Why Boston is a twofold shrine on March 17

If you were out celebrating St. Patrick’s Day over the weekend, I’ll do my best to write as quietly as possible. I’d even recommend that you turn down the brightness on your screen. You went out and celebrated the approximate date of birth of a Scot who spread Catholicism to the Irish. Any saint would want you to celebrate them by committing a mortal sin by hoisting a glass or eight.

The other big way to celebrate is by dressing somewhat Irish. I dress in relation to occasion for every holiday. At Christmas, I wear a Santa Claus hat, at Valentine’s Day, I wear nothing but a diaper and shoot pink-tipped arrows at passers-by, and on Arbor Day I stand motionless outside from a long time.

But there are other ways to go about celebrating St. Paddy’s Day. For the Boston Police, it’s all about breaking out the paddy wagon (which has to be deemed a racist term by now). Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Why Boston is a twofold shrine on March 17

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Leprechaun’

For some time now, I’d been mulling over the best way to return to writing b-movie reviews. I searched long and hard for a film important enough and with such a profound influence on modern cinema that it deserved to have attention drawn to it. After days of trying to think of the perfect way to celebrate my triumphant return, I sprung from my bath just as the great scientist Archimedes did all those years ago and yelled, “Eureka! I think I have it!”.

Not only that, but I get to celebrate my Mom’s birthday (Happy Birthday, Mom!) AND Saint Patrick’s Day? Well, there’s only one way, people.

Prepare for Leprechaun. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Leprechaun’