Tag: St. Petersburg

So it got poked out of its head?

Earlier this week, we warned you about a monstrous abomination that had managed to get wounded, leaving part of its horrifying and gigantic body behind. Science-type folks were stumped by just what could actually have an eye the size of a softball.

Well, the the wait is over and science has identified the organ as the eye of a … swordfish.

No, not the type that mingles with Hugh Jackman, John Travolta and the ta-ta’s of Halle Berry, but the bestial kind. We’re hearing reports of cheering, but think about this: just how does a beast that big manage to lose its eye? Is there now a giant swordfish swimming in the oceans resembling Nick Fury, post-grenade? And if the swordfish lost the eye in a fight, just how big was the creature that caused it to lose said eye?

That’s gonna need a lot of Visine

We’re going to need a bigger gun.

Last week in Pompano Beach, Florida, a man was fulfilling one part of his dating profile and enjoying a long walk on the beach, when out of nowhere, he stumbled upon an eyeball. A big eyeball. A really big eyeball. And by really big, I mean a softball sized eyeball.

No one, not even science, can currently tell us the origins of said ocular organ, but it’s being studied by more scientists in St. Petersburg. Speculation is that it could be that of a tuna, a swordfish, a giant squid … or something else.

People, we can’t wait on science to figure out what this behemoth is as that could be too late. The only thing we can do is burn all of the ocean.

Aim higher sir, aim higher!

We all know that cops sometimes get free things. At my IHOP, if you use a coupon, you have to sign a folder that’s listed as “Coupons/Police.” They get to use the siren on their car and never have a headache. Sometimes they even get extra-sized portions of food at places. And best of all, they get to have syrup-chugging contests.

These are perks for real cops, not people that impersonate the fuzz. That said, it’s understandable for why people might want to impersonate them. So if you’re gonna go, go big, right?

Somehow, I don’t think McDonald’s qualifies as big.

Simply put, we need a better breed of criminals.