Starbucks wants to Irish up your coffee

And by that, we mean beat you senselessly with a shillelagh. No, no, no, of course we don’t mean that. Well, at least for the most part.

Starbucks, the famous coffee giant, has always been in the flavored coffee business, but now, they’re looking to jump into the flavored coffee with flavor business. Having tested the plan here and there in a few Seattle and Portland stores, locations in Atlanta and Southern California will, over the year, have their menu expanded to include items such as beer and wine. Oh sure, there’ll be new food items as well, but pffft, why fill up your stomach with food when you can fill it up with more booze?

Shortest settlement process ever

Exactly 3 months ago, SeriouslyGuys relayed to you the emotionally delicious story of a woman who was fired from Starbucks allegedly for her dwarfiosity. And like a bad case of the runs, we’re here to let you know the dramatic outcome of that story!

Drum roll please……………

There was a settlement. Yup, that’s it. Pretty super anti-climatic, huh? Coincidentally enough, Starbucks would have been taking on a part of the United States government in the lawsuit had it continued on. Mind you, the government is big and powerful, but it would have been interesting to see a large corporation take on a federal group that’s running out of money. Would half-soy double-mocha fraps be our new currency if Starbucks won? Who knows.

Also, we don’t know the actual amount given in the settlement but we can only assume that it’s more than she would be able to carry in her hands. Perhaps it’s a proportionately large (or tidy?) amount in comparison to how she measures up to a stool?

Shortest lawsuit ever?

It partially sounds like something from a children’s story. Nonetheless, it might explain just how magical their coffee can seem at times (though, since those times tend to be 6 and 7 in the morning, anything with caffeine would be magical). Well, for as long as the magic can last, that is.

Stay with me now: The United States of America is suing Starbucks for firing a dwarf.

You did not read an untrue word in that sentence.

Starbucks allegedly fired a dwarf person (she was downsized?) the same day that she requested a stool, stating that “she could be a danger to customers and workers.” It’s a horrible reason to use as grounds for termination, mainly because she wouldn’t be a danger, but probably more an amusement to the customers. Except on March 17. Just, FYI kiddo.

‘Gun-owners need not apply’

We’ve discussed guns in this space before. Americans have a right to them, and private businesses have a right to refuse service to anyone they choose … if they’re willing to make us leave.

Since open-carry proponents’ boycott of Starbucks isn’t working, the our brothers in Georgia have almost passed a law to allow privately-owned guns in non-secure areas of the airport. You know, the lobby to the place where it’s illegal to carry bottled water and pocket knives?

According to one of the lawmakers, State Rep. Tim Bearden, “Posting a metal sign that says ‘Gun-Free Zone’ is not going to stop a terrorist or any criminal intent on doing harm to law-abiding citizens.”

And Bearden’s right. A terrorist could pull a gun at the Delta counter. Or in the parking lot. Or in the men’s room when we’re just looking for a handie.

That’s why we need armed private citizens patrolling our airports for other armed private citizens. And to expedite this recruitment, we shouldn’t waste time with bothersome tests like in, say, law enforcement, airport security, anti-terrorist operations, the ability to use said weapon or basic logic.

Take it from Snee: Can’t wait for that Depression!

A few months ago, we asked you to do something. Don’t remember? Starbucks was in trouble and you were supposed to help save them. We don’t ask you for much, but the one time we do, you let them fall deeper in debt and close 600 locations.

So, here we are, America. With talks of foreclosures, unemployment and gas shortages, we are verging closer and closer to a Recession, which is just a nice way of saying Depression. (Before “Depression,” they were called “Panics.” Eventually, we’ll call it a “Bother.”)

You’re probably thinking to yourself, “No big deal. My parents are loaded. I’ll just kill them.” Unfortunately, your money is only part of the problem. If we enter another Depression, all the money in the world won’t buy any of the following necessities. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Can’t wait for that Depression!

Start your morning with a cup of Schadenfreude

Good morning … or was it?  Did you have trouble pulling yourself out of bed to shower a body you hate, go to a job that you never wanted, just so you can send some broken condoms to college in a few years?

You had plans.  You were going to be a big deal.  An astronaut.  A porn star.  An astro-porn star-naut.  But it didn’t happen.

You know what will make your morning a good one?  A steaming hot cup of Schadenfreude.

Remember Rachel Dratch?  Yeah, apparently neither did her SNL co-stars.  She’ll have her own cup of delicious Schadenfreude soon, though, once Baby Mama tanks at the box office.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Starbucks is in trouble, gang!

Sorry to interupt today’s observance of the War on Animals, but Starbucks is in trouble!

The San Diego Superior Court has ordered the company to pay over $100 million to all of its waiters baristas in California.  They were sued by a former employee who claimed that shift supervisors were included in tip-share, which is in violation of state law.

This venti order of justice could not come at a worse time.  Starbucks has been in financial trouble for almost two years now because caffeine junkies have turned their back on them in favor of quicker fixes like Red Bull, Dunkin’ Donuts and crack-coccaine.

Remember the world before Starbucks?  When you had to drink a Coke to wake up in the morning?  When your tongue wasn’t stained hemorrhoid brown?  When you didn’t have a place to show off your Macbook?

Do you really want to go back to using PCs, having money for cigarettes and listening to Peter Cetera un-ironically? 

We didn’t think so.  Get to a Starbucks today, and let them know what America is really about: not drinking tea.