You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

My drink order has arrived just in time. Get your own.

Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?

January

Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.

Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.

From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

You Missed It: Perfect 10 edition

"Sorry about that Twitter gaffe. Let me buy you a drink, ladies."
“Sorry about that Twitter gaffe. Let me buy you a drink, ladies.”

April Fools’ Day is the most dad-oriented holiday of the year–more so than even Father’s Day. If you really stop and think about it, who are the people who enjoy it the most? Dads, because they get to play pranks on their gullible children. Sure, the annoying guy in your office loves to fill up someone’s cubicle with packing popcorn, and a few people on Facebook think those fake articles news sites post are hilarious. But really, it’s the dads who enjoy it. It’s probably because those little jerks have it coming to them. If you were busy watching March Madness this week, odds are you missed it.

State Department gets too real
This week, the State Department sent out some tweets aimed at keeping college students safe when traveling abroad during spring break. One tweet that took some flak for being insensitive read, “Not a ’10’ in the US? Then not a 10 overseas. Beware of being lured into buying expensive drinks or worse–being robbed.” This tweet is actually good advice. Europeans are generally way hotter than Americans. If you’re not a 10 where you live, move to the Midwest. You’ll be slaying it.

Apparently Trump doesn’t like women
Donald Trump, *sigh* Donald Trump had a rough week, after he said women should be punished somehow if abortion is made illegal, and his chief of staff, Corey Lewandowski, was charged with battery on a female reporter. Worst of all, he said if you’re not a 10, you should absolutely go to Europe because you don’t deserve to live in this great country of ours.

A pardon from President Bartlet
Martin Sheen announced this week that he is working on a new series on Investigation Discovery (which is a channel, apparently) about how O.J. Simpson didn’t kill his wife or her friend. The series will be called “Hard Evidence: O.J. Is Innocent.” I just have one question: Isn’t that what the jury decided 20 years ago?

China: The newest servant of the US

Now, I don’t want to be a super braggart or anything like that (a regular level braggart is a position that I’m fine to be), but, well … when we want something done, it gets done. Example:

The U.S. State Department subsequently asked the Chinese government for an explanation of the attacks.

And what happened? China has closed sites that train hackers. All the power is in our hands. For our next trick, I’d like to ask China for a free iPod. Or something along those lines.