You Missed It: Said and done edition

The best part of the debate was before it even happened.
The best part of the debate was before it even happened.

Have you ever noticed that the people who complain about political posts on social media are the ones who post the worst stuff? They’re always the ones who share inspirational quotes, or food pictures, or a million selfies. In a non-election year, I hate hearing about your politics, too. But this is important, and people who have something to say about it have more value in my feed than cat pictures. If you were busy writing a long-winded takedown of Rick’s column this week, odds are you missed it.

Debate noticeably Boneless
The third and mercifully final presidential debate took place this week, and it was the most noted for not going off the rails for once. The biggest moment of the night was when Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump a puppet, to which the orange one replied that he wasn’t a puppet, but if he were to be one, he “would be the best, most elaborate and entertaining puppet you’ve ever seen, bleveme.”

Clap back
A report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention this week found that STD rates in the U.S. rose last year. The reported cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis all rose dramatically. Also up last year: reality dating shows.

Woman defies fast food, reaches 100
A 100-year-old woman in Pennsylvania was given a surprise birthday party at her local McDonald’s, and given a certificate for free food for life at that fast food restaurant. In future news, 101-year-old woman dead of heart attack.

Science: Stop with the sex already

Ready to have your day ruined? Good, because we’re about to do just that.

According to a a recent study, you will never be more satisfied with your sex life than when you are getting it only once a week. We’ll repeat that: Once a week is the peak of sexual happiness. Researchers at the University of Toronto-Mississauga studied couples sexual habits, and found that both parties reported the most satisfaction, all things considered, when they were knocking boots only once every seven days. Any higher frequency, and things just weren’t as great. We don’t need to tell you that less than once a week didn’t make people happy, either. This is the second study in recent months telling us to cool it between the sheets. But what does science know?

But that’s probably just as well, because chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis are on the rise in the U.S. for the first time since 2006. We blame retirement homes. Hope you weren’t eating while reading this.

Wyoming wants you to forget that it has gonorrhea

There are some dirty places in Wyoming, and the state wants people to know that some of those dirty places are infected.

The state health department began an STD awareness campaign recently, which included buying billboard reading, “Wyoming has gonorrhea. Do you?” The sign attracted a lot of attention, but unfortunately not the kind it wanted. Wyoming’s gonorrhea sign went viral (heh), and it offended some people.

So much pressure built up that the sign was taken down last week. Now the world may never know if Wyoming has any other diseases.

Everyone I know is a fat, diseased libertarian, just like me

We’ve got some bad news for you health nuts who hang out with morbidly obese/ diseased people to make yourself feel better (there are some out there, right?), it turns out you aren’t what you eat, you are who you hang out with.

That goes for your political views, your weight, and–wait for it–whether you have an STD. Best of all, you don’t even have to see these people very often, you just need to interact with them in some manner, like the Internet.

The Guys want to be your friend. We’re clean. We swear.

I know you didn’t think you’d hear from me again, but …

E-cards are a lot like STDs. No one really wants to get one, and usually when someone does, it is because of a lack of planning on someone’s part. Luckily, InSpot.org has combined the two into one thing: the STD e-card.

Now you can tell that random girl or guy you hooked up with at the club that you are either accusing them of giving you something or think you gave it to them. Why an e-card? It’s simple: a phone call is just too personal, and you are more likely to know the e-mail address of someone you hook up with than their phone number (or name). We here at SG believe that this is sad. If you really want to send a card to show you care, send an actual card. That’s how they know it’s from the heart.

Possible e-cards:

  • Yeah, about the other night
  • Since I met you I can’t sit still
  • Look, you may need to buy some special shampoo soon
  • Is that a burning sensation, or are you just happy to see me?
  • Please, please, please don’t tell my wife