You Missed It: No alternative edition

I may post this every week.

Richard Spencer, the alt-right leader who probably only watches the first half of American History X, got punched in the face at an anti-fascist protest last week. This set off a debate over whether it is OK to hit a Nazi. But that’s not really the important question. To me, it’s like videos were guys get hit in the nuts. I believe that guys have a right not to get hit in the nuts, but that doesn’t mean I don’t laugh or watch it on repeat when it happens. If you were busy winning the AFC championship this week, odds are you missed it.

Going off the path
The Trump administration banned huge swaths of the federal government from sharing scientific data this week. This lead to the Badlands National Park’s Twitter account to go rogue, tweeting out scientific facts that support that climate change is real and humans are the leading cause of it. We should have known that the rebellion would start with those rugged, high-socked trail guides who know how to live off the land.

Say, what’s science up to?
It was announced this week that scientists successfully grew pig embryos that contained human stem cells. You fools, now we’re just a step away from creating ManBearPig!

The horror, the horror
Francis Ford Coppola announced this week that he was launching a Kickstarter campaign to create a video game based on his classic Apocalypse Now. For this one, I’m going to go lightning round. Ready? I wanted a video game, and for my sins the gave me one. In one level you are forced to choose between surfing and fighting. You understand, the game does not exist, it will never exist. In the virtual reality versions of the game, you will be able to smell napalm, morning, noon or night.

Soylent Green no longer people in Oklahoma

A state bill is on its way through the Oklahoma legislature preventing human fetuses from being used in food. This has resulted in one question by many people: “Why exactly was this needed?”

Senator Ralph Shortey claims to have research that reveals food industry companies having used human stem cells in the creation of items, including artificial flavors. Though it’s not known if anyone outside of Shortey and his group have seen this research, the bill has nonetheless been introduced and awaits discussion from Shortey’s peers. Have no fear, though, as the bills makes no mention of animal fetuses. Connoisseurs of super-veal, you’re still okay.

We would like to pass on something Senator Shortey: if The Guys are not given 100 thousand non-taxable dollars in the next three months, the world will explode. We’re not saying at all that we will cause the world to explode or even do any damage; however, we do have major intel that only we need see to substantiate this claim.

Tastes like chicken … and science

Since 2006, Dutch scientists have been growing pork from pig stem cells, and they are only now letting us in on this awesomeness. Apparently, you can make decent tasting food from stem cells, the only thing is that the texture is off. They say this could one day help win the war against hunger around the world.

But let’s take a step back for a moment. Science wants to use human stem cells under the guise of trying to cure diseases like Michael J. Fox Disease. But really, if pig stem cells can grow pork, who’s to say that human stem cells won’t be used to make human meat to feed the ever-growing masses?

Things went so well last time Pope ran commerce

Possible Slogan: You can't misspell 'euthanasia' without 'youth!'Pope Benedict XVI, a man chosen by God to sit on a golden throne in a palace that makes up its own city that is full of locked-away treasures, is asking business people of the world to ask themselves, “WWJD?”

The Pope calls entrepenuers’ and financiers’ morality into question in his latest encyclical, which is kind of like a homemade newspaper, only translated into Latin when it’s rolled out.

Among the practices he abhors are outsourcing (corporate missionary work), abusing natural resources (tending the plants and animals) and–of course–stem cell research, abortion and euthanasia.

So much for our chain of one-stop fetus- and elderly-killing stations. It doesn’t matter if we unionize (which he did support); Pope still says it’s wrong.