The few literate Louisianians want Bible named state book

If all you know about Louisiana is what you’ve seen on TV, you probably think it’s a state full of rednecks, perverts, corrupt officials, more rednecks, Steven Seagal, and vampires pretty much everywhere you look. You may not be far off, but there’s so much more to the state.

Just look at how its state legislature is trying to better the lives of its citizenry. When they’re not refusing to take a homophobic, unconstitutional law off the books, state lawmakers are busy blurring the line separating church and state in other ways. The Louisiana House of Representatives is considering a bill that would make the Bible the official state book. Though some lawmakers warn such a bill could lead to First Amendment lawsuits if passed, supporters say making the official book of Christianity the official book of Louisiana doesn’t discriminate against other religions.

In case you’re wondering, no U.S. state has an official book, but two states have official children’s books. Michigan has a book you’ve never heard of, and Massachusetts, that bastion of conservative thought, has Make Way for Ducklings, which is seen by critics as a piece of Zionist propaganda.

In Soviet Russia, weapons industry backs Steven Seagal

Luckily though, Soviet Russia no longer exists, because if it did, we’d never get a headline like what we now bring you.

Forget headline of the day. This is at least the headline of our week.

Direct-to-DVD action movie market to take a critical hit

Fear criminals, you shall not triumph, as the greatest law-abiding celebrity deputy has come back to work. That’s right, Steven Seagal is back on the scene.

Undersheriff Eddie Lerma of Doña Ana County in New Mexico has deputized the actor for training purposes regarding border issues. It would behoove the criminal aspect of the county to:

  1. Find out if there are any blues houses nearby, and if so, destroy.
  2. Quickly locate if any tanks are nearby.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Machete’

While political movies projecting a serious tone around themes like war tend to drive audiences away from US theaters faster than rumors of a bedbug invasion, when heavy subject matter is laced with light laughs it’s an entirely different story. So even though Machete is just about incendiary enough to incite an all out border war around the current hot topic of immigration, spicing up the proceedings with devilish humor keeps the feverish temperature moderated more at playful than provocative levels.

Troublemaker Studio’s bay boy director Robert Rodriguez, who last shook up movie screens with Grindhouse and Sin City, returns with a vengeance with the bullet riddled, stylishly defiant slice ’em up action satire, Machete. Get even bilingual guerrilla warfare meets guerrilla filmmaking, as wickedly dark screen insanity fuels US north of the border revolutionary beatdown. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Machete’

Take it from Snee: The line between celebrity and reality (Costner Edition)

As I and other celebrities get older, it becomes harder to differentiate between the roles we’ve played and the regular a$$holes we used to be. (I still put my pants on one leg at a time, but each foot is bathed in frankincense before inserted into the crotch part.)

The Gulf oil leak has dominated the news, and there’s only so much left for any of us can write about plans to put BP’s greasy turd back in its oceanic butthole. I’m plum out of ideas because, as much as I’d love to come up with a solution, the only way to prevent my leaky poop metaphor is to not play with buttplugs and Ex-Lax in the first place.

But, little would I believe that Kevin Costner may be the cure. For oil. Not diarrhea. We’re back to literalism here.

Yes, the man whose only seeming qualification is a willingness to spend millions of other people’s money on Waterworld may very well save the Redneck Riviera.

To put this in perspective, if this works, Tutanka’s next trick may be to save the U.S. Postal Service, hopefully without hordes of anarchist rapists.

Or, to take this further, let’s revisit the last time I had trouble straddling the ever-diminishing line between celebrity and reality.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: The line between celebrity and reality (Costner Edition)

Take it from Snee: The line between celebrity and reality

Steven Segal is actually arresting you. You're not high.Arnold Schwarzenegger keeps his Conan Atlantean sword in his office as governor of California, a crown he won with the blood of thousands earned an office with the votes of millions.

Steven Seagal is a Sherrif’s deputy in the Jefferson Parish of New Orleans. He got the position by teaching cops there his martial arts moves and avenging their deaths endearing himself to them.

Tony Danza is a public high school teacher in Philadelphia, where he and his daughter will bond over her mother’s loss he’ll try to teach some kids English literature and maybe-a-little theater if they’re good, eh?

Could the line between celebrity fiction and reality blur any more? Here are my suggestions:
Continue reading Take it from Snee: The line between celebrity and reality

How To: Defend yourself

Eventually, somebody somewhere will want to kick your ass. Maybe it’s because you flashed a wad of twenties in New York City, or perhaps because you were sure that rape jokes are always funny (especially if you read this blog regularly). In any case, you need to be prepared to fend off attacks, which is why The Guys will teach you how to defend yourself.

Continue reading How To: Defend yourself