Tag: stimulus package

The McBournie Minute: My package is over-stimulated

Unless you have been walking around with your fingers iny your ears going, “La la la la la!” for the better part of a year (and if you are, how did you click on this?), you probably know that there’s something very, very bad with the economy right now. As any Republican will tell you, it’s all President Barack Obama’s fault, but as any Democrat will tell you, it’s all President George Bush’s fault, and Nancy Pelosi is really very nice in person.

So yes, there is a recession on, and it’s been on for a while now. Technically, it’s been on since the end of 2007, we just didn’t know it untul much later. In any case, consumers are scared. Maybe it’s that people keep losing their jobs, maybe it’s that the news media likes to keep showing scary graphics with loud noises, but there’s a panic.

In order to help us in this time of economic downturn (that’s what we’re calling it, right?), companies have launched ad campaigns that do their best to remind us that spending money on their goods/services is way more responsible than saving money. They all offer various “stimulus packages” like they think it’s funny. Midas has their own version for car maintenance, and that one may be an OK claim, because it saves money in the long run. Car companies, restaurants, you name it, they all have their own spin on it. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: My package is over-stimulated

You Missed It: Just stopping by to say hello edition

Some believe in Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), the medical theory that if one does not get enough sunlight, particularly for long periods of time like in the winter, you get depressed and/or irritable. Here we are at the end of February and you know what? I say screw you, SAD, I don’t believe in you! If you were busy winning an Academy Award this week, odds are you missed it.

And the Dow responded with a huge drop
On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama, addressed a joint meeting of Congress. It wasn’t a State of the Union address, the new president just hates Scrubs and everyone who watches it. In any case, during his speech, Obama laid out his plan for economic recovery, which includes not raising taxes for the vast majority of the country, and increased federal funding for projects. Also announced: federally mandated casual Fridays in offices across the U.S.

Brady earns another ring
New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady got married this week. (Sorry, Schools!) Brady and Brazilian model Gisele Bunchen were married in a small ceremony in California. Bunchen’s dogs were present for the ceremony, however, Brady’s kid was not. According to reports, Brady, seeing no passing lanes, sprinted down the aisle and slid before contact could be made.

It’s like Nick is coming right at me!
Have you been eagerly anticipating the Jonas Brothers’ movie? I know Chugs has. Jonas Brothers: 3D Concert Experience is now out in theaters today. According to reviews, it’s, well, the Jonas Brothers, in concert, and in 3D. So yeah, Disney did a good job naming this one. However, there is one big hole, you can get a 3D Jonas Brothers concert experience by going to one of their concerts.

So I said, ‘You can keep the gun, but lose the monkey!’

Nationally-syndicated columnist Roland S. Martin is upset A good portion of America can’t say enough about an editorial cartoon in The New York Post. Many believe that it refers to President Barack Obama as a chimp.

The cartoonist, Sean Delonas, and the Post disagree with accusations of racism. They believe it’s a tongue-in-cheek reference to yesterday’s news story about police shooting a chimpanzee (hilarious, by the way, because they die just like people) … and the economic stimulus package.

…

Yeah, here is The Guys’ take on this situation and any others in the future:

Two out of three Elaine Beneses agree.

Babies are depressing

As Congressional Democrats are trying to prove to the country, babies lead to depression, hence their provisions in the stimulus package for birth control education.

While most Republicans are scoffing at this notion, science has backed the Dems claim: the release of a placenta-produced corticotropin-releasing hormone (CRH) does, in fact, lead to post-partem depression.

Furthermore, once the baby is outside of the uterus, the depression becomes airborne, infecting other family members besides mom. The feces cause nausea, older brothers and/or sisters are no longer loved and Dad’s too frightened to ask for an HJ.

Every member of the family becomes a carrier of the baby and its depression, disrupting the bastions of American commerce:

  • Movies
  • Shopping Malls
  • Hospital Waiting Rooms (Pharmaceuticals)
  • Strip Clubs

Eventually, the entire economy grinds to a halt, all because of baby.

SOS: Save Our Sex (films)!

OK, things were kind of bad before when the Big Three U.S. automakers almost shut down. Also, when our banks started to collapse, we got a little worried. To be honest, the idea of loans companies collapsing made us think of Fight Club, so we got distracted by … well, we’re not allowed talk about that.

But we are absolutely, pants-ruining (and not the good way … unless you’re into that) terrified now: the porn industry has asked for a bailout.

Pornographer Larry Flint (mad props, sir) and Douchebag Joe Francis have released a combined press statement that the industry is fine for now, but could go under at any moment in the current financial climate. This could be prevented by giving them $5 billion.

Imagine your life without porn:

  • Taking shorter lunch breaks at work.
  • Using your iPhone for phone calls.
  • Spending more time with your family instead of sending them off to Chuck E. Cheese without you.

Are you terrified now? Good!

Write your congressperson and make sure this necessary Stimulus Stimulus Package passes!