‘We have a big problem’

Nearly five months ago to this day, former President George Bush said those exact words in regards to a need for the $700 billion bailout package.

George Bush was a soothsayer. Nay, an oracle of wisdom.

Clearly, we never truly understood what he said. Sure, he didn’t make a lot of sense at times, what with his talks regarding fish, families and the sea, but we should have paid more attention to him. Everything he said regarding those items? He was simply portending the future.

The enemy has arrived, and it is large. And poisonous.

A monstrous freshwater stingray weighing in at 772 pounds was recently caught in Thailand. Ian Welch, a courageous angler from Britain was simply minding his own business, attempting to tag the stingrays (probably to help our war efforts, no doubt), when the gigantic fish attempted to kill the man. The horror!

Through the valiant efforts of Welch and twelve other men, the beast was caught. Unfortunately, the terror doesn’t end there. Research put the creature at being only a year and a half old. That’s right: it could get bigger.

What’s even scarier is that it’s back on the loose again! For some rhyme or reason, the monster was released back into the river. The stingray’s probably got some sort of nefarious mind-controlling powers, I’d say.

So really, what’s our one true problem? We’re gonna need some really big slices of bread.

Rays strike again, awaken sleeping giant (us)

Ladies and gentlemen, the news from the War on Animals frontlines does not get any better today.  The stingrays, who started this war almost two years ago, have struck again.

This time, their victim was a Michigan woman vacationing in the Florida Keys.  The 75-pound spotted eagle ray leaped into the air, striking the woman in the head.  The woman was standing on a boat travelling 25 mph, so the ray’s barb was unnecessary.  This was the equivalent of attacking a baby with a ballpeen hammer.

This blog knows that every human lost in this war is roughly 76,650 less all-you-can-eat seafood buffets.*  We know that there is a time to mourn.  But there is also a time to exploit.

While this loss of human life is tragic, it is a stern reminder of what happens if we let down our guard and take vacations in the animals’ homeland: outdoors.  Either vacation in large human population centers, or take a gun and shoot everything with more or less than two legs!

*Equation to estimate a lifetime of seafood buffets:

L = average lifespan in years (70)
y = days in a year (365)
m = number of meals per day (3)

B = L * y * m