Texans to brave storm with liquid courage

Folks, we want our readers to be safe. Also, we don’t want to get sued for anything. That’s why if you’re one of our coastal Texas readers, RUN, BITCH! Hurricane Harvey is coming!

But if you’re dumb (and if you live in Texas, there’s a pretty good chance of that), and you decide to hang around for a Category 3 hurricane that’s supposed to just sit over your head for a week, grab some booze. That’s the advice Houston-area bars and liquor stores are giving, and the citizenry is listening. Beer, wine and liquor sales are way up ahead of the potentially deadly storm people should probably be sober for.

Key quote from a Houston bartender:

Regardless, if you’re craving hard liquor this weekend, Hunt suggests making a Greyhound, which is vodka and grapefruit juice. “It’s light, refreshing and simple. There is a hurricane happening! Ain’t no one got time for a complicated, multi-step process.”

Hunt says she’ll be drinking wine during the storm “and lots of it,” and suggests 19 Crimes Cabernet.

Randy buggers and right inclement weather

Winter sucks. It’s a fact. Another fact: Half the world is suffering through winter right this very second, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Here in the United States, we’ve been hit hard by cold weather and snow storms, but we’re not the only ones affected by the weather.

In the United Kingdom, people have been stuck indoors because they have gotten so much snow. And by so much, we mean millimeters, or whatever crazy measurement they use in that monarchy. So, what have English people done to pass the time indoors? They got online and went to a Web site designed for extra-marital affairs. IllicitEncounters.com (no, we’re not linking to it, you’re at work, remember?) received a record number of new profiles in a 24-hour period last week as a snow storm hit.

This apparently is a bad time to be married in England.

Never bring a gun to a snowball fight

As you may have heard, there was a big snow storm on the East Coast over the weekend. In Washington, D.C., this is an important thing, because you have national security issues to worry about.

So when a huge snowball fight in D.C. proper is advertised on Twitter, you know it’s time for the long arm of the law to roll in and put all that seasonal fun to rest. How do you get a large group of people to stop throwing (lame, fluffy, not the good stuff for packing) snow at each other? Well, taking your gun out is one solution. Unfortunately, the chief of police did not agree with the officer on that point.

“Let me be very clear in stating that I believe the actions of the officer were totally inappropriate!” said D.C. Metropolitan Police Chief Cathy Lanier.

She was so upset about the incident that she added the exclamation point to her statement, and later took out her gun to settle the press down a bit.